


(You Don't Have To) Say You Love Me

by DarknessBound



Series: You Don't Have to Say You Love Me [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brief Mention of Past Character Injury (Gunshot Wound), Broken Hearts, Communication, Dean/Cas Big Bang 2020 (Supernatural), Explicit Sexual Content, Handcuffs, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Last Hope, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Minor Castiel/April Kelly, POV Dean Winchester, Pining, Police Officer Castiel (Supernatural), Post-Break Up, Public Sex, Reconciliation, Sad Dean Winchester, Separation, Subdrop, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, divorce papers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:41:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 44,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26855395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarknessBound/pseuds/DarknessBound
Summary: Six months after Castiel walked out on a twelve year marriage to Dean, he decides it’s time for a divorce. Dean, on the other hand, isn’t so sure, and is willing to stop at nothing to win his husband back.
Relationships: Ares Montague/Jaskier Morningstar, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Original Male Character(s)/Original Male Character(s)
Series: You Don't Have to Say You Love Me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041257
Comments: 181
Kudos: 409
Collections: DCBB 2020, The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the DCBB2020.  
> A huge thanks to my beta I_Am_The_Blue_Sunshine for suffering through the tears to fix this mess and make it to the happy ending. I'm very, very grateful. 
> 
> And to my DCBB parter jayjayverse for the breathtaking art!
> 
> *NOTICE*  
> This is NOT a story where Dean and Cas do everything right. This is a story about the hardest part of being in a relationship, and the fears/hardships that come along with it. Does it have a happy ending? Pretty much. Is it smooth sailing getting there? No. Cas is not perfect. Dean is not perfect. They’re human; and most of the time... humanity hurts. With that said, if you can’t handle it and only want to read fics where Dean and Cas make the right decisions 100% of the time, please don’t read this. 
> 
> Thank you!

Dean stood in front of a mirror in the fanciest restaurant he’d ever set foot in, nervously shucking back his hair in an effort to make it look a little less unkempt. Under normal circumstances, he’d have allowed at least a half an hour to make himself look presentable - but this was short notice; and when your estranged husband calls out of the blue and asks you to dinner... you simply can’t say no. 

You get your ass off your couch, put on your best jeans, and hightail it to wherever the hell he wants you to go without asking questions or stopping to primp. _It’s not like he hasn’t seen me at my worst, a little messy hair won’t hurt anything. At least I’m showing up._

Determined not to be late, Dean had gotten to the restaurant a full hour early. He was _so_ early that the hostesses weren’t even seating people yet, and he was directed to wait by the bar. 

_Perfect, maybe a couple of drinks will help take the goddamn edge off. We’ve been married for twelve friggin years, why does this feel like a first date?_

As he slowly sipped his first two-finger pour of liquid courage, he thought back on his marriage to Castiel. They’d been in love for years before either of them even had the nerve to say a word, and they’d come together not because one of them finally got the balls to make a move - but because Cas had nearly died, and in that moment, Dean hadn’t been able to stomach the idea of the love of his life slipping away without knowing the truth. 

He’d word vomited in ways he never had before, letting years and years worth of bottled up, shoved down emotions pour out of his mouth. A stuttered confession that would’ve been embarrassing if Cas hadn’t immediately kissed him and told him he’d felt the same for nearly as long. 

That right there would’ve been the greatest day of Dean’s life if Cas wasn’t also heading into surgery to try and fix the mess of internal bleeding brought on by a stray bullet. Dean had always worried about Cas being a cop, always been fearful that one day he’d get a call telling him Cas was dead - and when it finally came, Dean could feel the walls closing in around him. 

He had one goal - _don’t let him die without knowing. Whatever you do, no matter how shitty it comes out… don’t let him die without knowing._

So he hadn’t, he’d made it to the hospital just in time to babble out his frightened, tear-stained confession and have the best kiss of his life, and then he spent the following seven hours praying to a god he didn’t even believe in. 

Thanks to a team of the best surgeons in the country, Cas had made a full recovery, and from that point on... well, their relationship had been as easy as breathing. 

Until it wasn’t.

He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment they started to drift apart. There was no real reason for their split - neither of them had been unfaithful, neither got involved with something shady. They just... drifted. 

That’s not to say they’d put a lot of effort into making it work. By that point, they’d both chalked their relationship up to something started in the throes of certain death, and everything after that had taken on a tint of falseness. Like it hadn’t been as real as either of them thought it was. 

Six months spent apart, and Dean was absolutely sure that was all bullshit. He loved Castiel Novak with everything inside of him, and maybe, just maybe, this dinner was Cas’ way of saying he did, too. 

Time passed agonizingly slowly as he waited for Cas to show up, and when he finally walked in the door, Dean’s heart stopped. He was as breathtaking as ever, all piercing eyes and strong jaw, the lean muscles of his body stretching that tight-fitted dress shirt to its limits. Maybe it had just been too long since he’d seen him, but Dean was almost positive Cas had been working out. 

He was gorgeous.

Cas greeted Dean with a chaste kiss on the cheek - not nearly the warm, passionate reunion that Dean had pictured. They took their seats without anything more than polite small talk and ordered their drinks, but Dean didn’t give a shit what that waitress put in front of him. He’d have happily sucked down the leafiest, healthiest thing that place had to offer if it meant he wouldn’t be going home alone. 

“So,” Cas started, bracing his elbows on the table. “I’m glad you could make it, I’m... sorry for the short notice.”

“Course, Cas. You know I’d drop anything for you. I’m just glad you finally saw reason, I miss you.”

The curious expression on Cas’ face should’ve given Dean pause, but all it did was send nostalgic pangs of longing through his chest. There would never be anyone as adorably sexy as his husband. 

“I’m not sure what you mean, Dean. I called you here for a reason, though I’m beginning to suspect it’s not the reason you think.”

Dean scoffed, accepting the water from their waitress’ outstretched hand. _C’mon, Cas. I’m even tryna be… mostly sober for this._ “Look, we don’t need to have some long, drawn out conversation if you don’t want to, okay? All I know is that whatever went wrong last time, I’ll fix it. I’ll change it, I’ll do whatever it is you need me to do... I’m just thrilled you’re finally ready to come back home. The place hasn’t been the same without you.”

Something a little like pain crossed Cas’ face, and for the first time, Dean considered that maybe his husband hadn’t come there for makeup sex and an Indiana Jones marathon. Cas took a steady sip of whatever ridiculous-sounding tea he’d ordered and set his glass down, his giant, gorgeous hands wrapping perfectly around it. “I should apologize to you, Dean. It appears I should’ve been more clear about why I wanted to see you. I... had no idea you were interested in reconciling.”

Foreboding spiked through him, and Dean got the sense that he wasn’t gonna be sticking around to eat that thirty dollar steak he’d ordered. He frowned, knowing his facial expression would ask the question he couldn’t bring himself to verbalize. “...Cas?” 

His husband reached into his briefcase and pulled out a yellow folder, then dropped it lightly on the table. “Our divorce papers, Dean. I met someone, and I’d like to have this finalized before I go any further with her.”

_Her? Is he friggin kiddin’ me?_ “You can’t be serious. You’re leaving me for a chick?”

“Don’t do this, Dean. Please. We’ve had half a year apart, I’d have thought you’d have moved on by now.” Cas’ voice was hushed - his tell that he didn’t want to make a scene. 

Dean was at a loss, staring at the folder that would put an end to the greatest love story he’d ever heard. _His_ love story. 

He was silent for so long that Cas eventually stood. “I need to use the restroom, it was a long drive here.”

Once Cas was out of sight, Dean grabbed the folder and flipped it open. Inside, he found more than just divorce papers. Cas had slipped in a photo of himself and his new girlfriend, and _damnit,_ if they didn’t look happy. He stared at the lines forming around Cas’ eyes as he smiled from ear to ear in that photo - a smile Dean himself hadn’t seen for nearly two years. _He’s better off without me. He always was, and now I’ve got proof._

He glanced down and read the inscription on the bottom. 

**_Castiel Novak and April Kelly, Disneyland ‘19_ **

There was a pen seated neatly on top of the first page, and Dean picked it up as gingerly as if it were a live bomb. Blood pulsed in his ears and raged through his veins, his body’s own way of telling him this wasn’t right. 

Before he could stop himself, he signed on every X and initialed twice. He carefully placed everything back in the folder and returned it to where he’d found it, just as Cas rounded the corner from the restroom. 

Dean didn’t trust himself enough to talk, didn’t trust his voice not to crack and betray the insane spike of pain that was threatening to split him in two. Instead, he let Cas talk - about where he’d been, how he’d met April, and why it was important to him to end things with Dean amicably. 

_Not really all that amicable if only one of us is on board, angel._

He kept going, telling Dean of their search for a house. It was at that point that Dean realized he didn’t need this - didn’t deserve to have to sit there and listen to Cas talk about how his life was moving on when Dean’s own had been at a standstill, waiting for a man that clearly wasn’t coming back. 

“Cas, I’m gonna stop you there. I think it’s great you found April, and fuck, I hope she makes you happier than I did. But I can’t do this, okay? Can’t sit here and hear about it like you and I are college buddies that haven’t seen each other in years or some shit. Just... stop. I signed your damn papers, and as soon as this steak comes, I’ll get it to go.” The words had come out in a rush, but Dean was proud of how steady his voice remained. He was always good under pressure, under stress... he just never envisioned that Cas would be the cause. 

Silence thickened between them as Cas reached hesitantly for the folder to endure Dean hadn’t been lying. He flipped through, then pursed his lips and slid it back over. “You... forgot one. Here.”

_You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me._ Dean flushed, grabbing the pen and clicking it violently, before adding one final signature. 

Cas tucked the folder back into his briefcase and smiled sadly at him. “I’m impressed, Dean. Just a few short months ago, you’d have taken those papers and thrown them into the fire.”

“Nah, I’d have set them on fire and shoved them into your girlfriend’s purse.” He flicked his tongue over his lip, clasping his hands together on the table and leaning forward on his elbows. “What can I say? I’ve grown. Don’t think I don’t see what you did there... timing your little potty break so I’d be left here, curious and alone with that picture of you and the future Mrs. Novak. It was a nice touch, Cas. You knew I’d take one look at it and do whatever the hell you wanted, because you can say what you want about me - but the one thing I’ve _always_ wanted was for you to be happy. If that ain’t me anymore, it ain’t me. Far be it from me to stand in your way.” Dean stood abruptly, knocking his knee on the table hard enough to jar the utensils. “Y’know what, keep the steak. Give it to April, tell her it’s a ‘congrats’ gift from me.” He grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair and shrugged it on, digging through his wallet to pull out some cash and drop it on the table. 

Cas gripped his sleeve and lifted himself up, his expression open. “Dean, wait.”

For a moment, they made eye contact, and Dean nearly lost all his resolve - nearly dropped to his knees right there to beg Cas to stay, beg him to come home, beg him not to do this. He composed himself just enough to squeak out, “Yeah?”

“I...” Cas opened and closed his mouth, apparently deciding whatever was going to come next wasn’t worth saying out loud. 

Dean nodded, licking his lip and pulling his arm free. “Figured. Have a good life, Cas. You deserve it more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

And with that, Dean shoved his fists in his jacket pocket and kept his head low as he made a break for the door, leaving his life - and his love, behind.

**~~~~**

Time started dragging on after that failed dinner. At least beforehand, he’d had hope. Now, all he had was the vague possibility that he’d managed to score himself one last shot, and a looming storm cloud telling him he’d failed. 

When things in life got tough for Dean, there were two things he could count on in Cas’ absence. Whiskey, and his best friend, Jask. 

Dean had put off calling him for several days. They weren’t big on the chick-flick bullshit, and every time Dean had tried to say the words out loud, he’d gotten choked up. In the end, he figured it was best to wait a little bit before dropping the news, and after a hefty glass of Jack… he decided it was finally time. 

He picked up his phone and texted Jask, telling him to meet him at the bar not far from Dean’s house. The agreement came quickly, and they were sitting next to each other with drinks in hand and good music on the jukebox within the hour. 

“So, uh… sorry I haven’t responded a lot lately. Had some shit goin’ on, y’know how it is.” He side-eyed Jask and spun his glass on the bar, silently hoping his friend would probe for once in his life. 

“No biggy. Figured you’d call when you were ready, and based on the fact that you called and how you’re already on Jack number three, I assume you _are_ ready now. So let’s hear it, Dean. What happened at that dinner?”

Dean dragged his tongue slowly across his bottom lip and exhaled. Now that it was actually time to say it, he still wasn’t sure he was ready… but he didn’t have a choice. This wasn’t something he could run from, and he needed to be a man about it sooner rather than later. _C’mon, out with it. Just say it like it’s happenin’ to someone else._ “Uh… well. Turns out, Cas found himself a _Mrs._ Cas and wanted me to sign divorce papers.” 

“Mrs?! That dude was gayer than me, what kinda game is he playing?” Jask looked angry at Cas, and not for the first time. Dean knew he should feel validated by Jask’s reaction, but all it did was make him want to defend the man that couldn’t wait to get rid of him. 

Finding a good answer was harder than he thought, mainly because most of him agreed. “Nah, he always told me he was bi, or pan, or some shit. I dunno. It didn’t come up often, the only people he hooked up with when we were friends he kept far away from me, and then after he got shot, it was just us.” Dean took a long, steadying sip to ground himself again. “Doesn’t matter. Point is, they look happy and he wants me gone.”

“Well, his loss, right?” The statement was supposed to help, but it didn’t, and Jask knew it didn’t. “Sorry, D. I know that kinda love is rare. Is it possible he was just trying to see you again? Or did he look... done?”

_Handing me divorce papers seemed pretty goddamn done to me._ Dean pinched the inside of his cheek between his teeth, then clenched his jaw, trying to quell the surge of grief and loss threatening to overtake him despite all the times he’d practiced that speech in the mirror. “He’s done, J. Alright? Him and ol’ Springtime wanna move ahead with their lives, he just needed to tie up the loose ends.” 

“Shit... I’m sorry, D.” Jask looked at him in that way that Dean hated. The way that screamed pity. “I think you need a rebound. Just to get the juices flowing again. It’s been too long and we can both talk about last night's regrets while we drink coffee in the morning. What do you say?”

That, thankfully, derailed him from the fountain of sappy, whiny laments that was just about to come out of his mouth. He nodded once, knocking back the rest of his drink and signaling for a refill. _If Cas couldn’t love me, no one else ever will._ “Ah, hell. Why not? It’s not like me to say no to a warm body, right? I’m sure I’ve still got it.” 

“I don’t know. Lookin’ a little rusty there, buddy. We’re both single now, let’s go hunting.” Jask stood up and clasped his shoulder. “Not yet though, I have to piss.”

Dean scoffed, jerking his head toward the jukebox. “Suit yourself, my song’s on. I can go huntin’ just fine on my own.” He stood as Jask shook his head with a grin and disappeared toward the bathrooms, and began looking around the bar. 

As luck would have it, he spotted a guy just walking in that seemed perfect for a mindless, meaningless hookup. Dean leaned against the bar facing him, and pulled his lip between his teeth in an almost forgotten gesture. The guy spotted him quickly, gave him a once-over that Dean took as a green light, and started making his way over to Dean. _Like moths to a goddamn flame. I don’t need Jask, I got this shit._

He licked his plump lips and smiled as he approached. “Hey there.” 

“Well hey, yourself. What’re you drinkin’ tonight, handsome?” Dean flicked his gaze up to meet his and froze solid, noticing the heterochromia that turned one of his gorgeous blue eyes half brown. _His eyes are almost as pretty as Cas’._ The moment the thought passed through his head, Dean knew he was in trouble. The whole point of a rebound was to forget the person you were trying to get over, not handpick a man whose features would constantly bring that _someone_ to mind. 

“Sticking to beer tonight, lost a fight with some whiskey a few nights ago. What’s your name?” 

“Dean, you? And we’ve all lost a fight or two with some whiskey.” _Or three, or twenty._

“Ares.” 

Dean waved the bartender over and ordered himself some more Jack and a beer for his new friend. “God of war, huh? You some kinda tough guy?” Dean teased, and was happy the guy huffed a laugh. 

“Tough guy? No, not by choice anyway. Sometimes life happens and we all have to be tough guys. But for the most part, I’d rather have a good time than a bad.” 

The bartender brought their drinks and Dean held out his glass. “Well then… here’s to a good time.”

Ares smiled and clinked their drinks together. They kept eye contact while they drank, and things seemed to be going well, until they weren’t. As Ares brought his beer down from his mouth, his eyes glanced to the side... and his interest shifted in seconds. 

Dean didn’t even have to look to know it was a guy that Ares was eye-fucking, but when he turned and saw Jask, he couldn’t help but bark out a laugh. _Course, the one hot guy I have the balls to talk to wants my best friend._ It took him clearing his throat and asking, “So, is that your type?” for Ares to meet his gaze again. 

“Huh?” 

Dean huffed a laugh at that. “I said… never mind. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. You’ll have a helluva lot more fun with that guy.”

Ares looked apologetic and turned to give Dean his attention again. “No, you were doing fine. Sorry, I thought I saw someone I knew.” 

“Someone you knew or someone you _want_ to know?” Dean wasn’t even upset, there was nothing to be upset about. He wasn’t in any place to offer this guy anything more than a one night stand, and that wasn’t fair. Especially if deep down the guy was hoping for more, and by how instantaneously lovestruck he was with Jask, the guy was looking for much more than Dean was able to give. But maybe J was finally ready? Who was Dean to stand in the way? 

“Huh?” Ares repeated as Jask walked up and very obviously checked him out. 

_Asshat is interested too, and how could he not be? The guy was hot._ “Hey J. This is Ares, he likes your… hair.” Dean grinned. He was an awesome wingman when he wanted to be.

“My hair, huh? Well you can let him know I like his eyes… and the whole body attached to them.” 

_Look at J Smooth over here… or is it J Cool? Whatever._ “Spoiler alert, J. I think he can hear you.” 

Jask chuckled but didn’t even glance Dean’s way. The way they were staring at each other made it very clear that his wingman skills wouldn’t even be remotely necessary, but it was kinda cool to watch. 

He had technically seen Ares first, but the way they looked at each other when they met was nothing even remotely close to this. If Dean believed in love at first sight, he would think it was like this. “Okay, you two have fun, I’m gonna call it a night.”

That finally got J’s attention. “Why? Plenty of fish, D. Live a little.” 

“Yeah, my friend is meeting me here, his name is Cole. I think you guys might hit it off.” Ares sipped some more of his beer, his eyes darting back to Jask a second later. 

“Nah. I really shouldn’t be here. Not yet.” Dean shot back the rest of his whiskey and slid the glass across the bar. “You call me if you need a ride, J. Don't do anything I wouldn’t do.” He winked, trying to show Jask that it really was okay. _He_ was okay - or as okay as he could be.

The way Jask was looking at Ares was the way Cas used to look at him, and he couldn’t stand it for one more minute. He was happy for them, even if they just had some awesome sex and parted ways. But the fact that every single thing reminded him of Cas had him suddenly wishing he was in bed. “Hey, if his friend is hot, let me know. Maybe we’ll double one day.” 

Jask hugged him, telling him he would leave right now if he needed him, but Dean insisted he stay. No reason they should both be at home moping around, especially when J could be starting a little something of his own. 

The cool outside air - and his reality - slapped him in the face as he walked to his car. This bar scene wasn’t his scene anymore. Hooking up wasn’t his scene anymore. Nothing was - nothing but a glass of Jack and his hotdog pajama pants. _Maybe I should get a dog?_

By the time he was walking back into his empty house, all he wanted to do was take a cold shower and go to bed - but taking a cold shower would mean sobering up, and sobering up would mean he couldn’t sleep. Dean shucked off his clothes and crawled into bed just as his phone rang, and his stomach threatened to crawl right out of his ass when he saw the caller ID. 

Fumbling, he swiped quickly and plastered the phone to his ear. “Cas?”

“Hello, Dean.” Cas’ tone was unamused and almost cold, and Dean’s mood immediately tanked.

“Guess you’re not callin’ to say you miss me, huh?” He rolled over, burying his nose in the pillow so the phone was cocked at an odd angle, but he could still hear him. 

Cas huffed a laugh but tried to hide it by clearing his throat. “You’re drunk.”

“I’ve had… more than a few, but less than enough. Is your new girlfriend as adorable as I am when she drinks?” Dean flipped back over, having a hard time staying still. Cas’ voice did things to him, even after all this time. 

“She doesn’t drink. Neither do I. This isn’t why I called, Dean.” He exhaled a long breath. “Why did you sign some bullshit name?”

_Since when did Cas stop drinking? What the hell is this chick doing to him?_ Dean screwed up his face and tried to change the subject; he’d known it would only be a matter of time before Cas figured out he’d signed ‘Dena Winchestar’ on those divorce papers, but he wasn’t in the mood for that fight. “God, you’re hot when you’re angry. C’mon, yell at me a little bit, I’m already rockin’ a half chub.” 

“Dean!” Dean could hear him falter a split second. “This isn’t a game. Why is everything a game for you?”

_Well, at least I got what I wanted._ Hearing Cas yell his name like that finished off what his tone had started, and Dean found himself with the most ill-timed boner of his life. _I blame the god of war._ “Uhh… sorry, Cas. Goin’ through a tunnel, service sucks. Gonna have to call -” he pulled the phone away from his ear and hung up, tossing it across the room and glaring at the vertical mass between his legs. “He doesn’t want us anymore, down boy.” 

He heard his cell vibrating against the hardwood floor and rolled his eyes, pulling the blanket up clear over his head. 

_You want me to sign, Cas? Come make me._

**~~~~**

Cas called so many times over the next couple of weeks that Dean almost felt bad for him - he knew he was just trying to move on with his life and Dean was making that hard, but it wasn’t _supposed_ to be easy. It sure wasn’t easy for Dean. Every single day was a struggle, and hitting ‘reject’ instead of ‘answer’ was getting harder every time. 

The texts in between only fueled his resolve, though. Dean had received a litany of messages calling him everything from an ‘insufferable child’ to an asshole, and some tiny, defiant part of Dean was controlling most of his reactions. Honestly, he was proud of himself that he didn’t say anything foolish in return - he simply didn’t say anything at all. 

After denying Cas’ third attempt of the day, Dean shut his phone off and grabbed another beer before making his way back to the living room. He had guests, and he sure as hell wasn't going to spend the evening pining over someone that didn’t want him in their life anymore. 

“So, Cole.” Dean plopped down next to him and sat close enough to brush shoulders, and handed him a drink. “Ares tells me you two grew up together. How’d you put up with him for so long?” He grinned at Jask’s new boyfriend to let him know he was only teasing - the two of them had been nearly inseparable in the weeks since they’d met at the bar, and Ares had proved to be a pretty cool guy. 

Cole laughed and leaned in, too. “I don’t know honestly. I think that eye is some kind of magical eye that makes him seem likable.” 

Ares rolled his eyes and kissed Jask’s cheek. “He likes me, that’s all that matters.”

There really wasn’t a reason for Dean to complain about it - seeing Jask happy made him happy, even if the last several years saw them in opposite rolls. Dean supposed that meant it was Jask’s turn, but that wasn’t going to stop him from poking a little fun at his expense. 

“God, you guys are gross already. You’re welcome, by the way… I don’t wanna say you two owe it all to me, but uh… ya kinda do.” Dean raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips in a cheeky smile, which relaxed into a smirk as he shamelessly checked Cole out next to him. “And good for me, cause looks like I mighta won, too.”

Cole chuckled and held out his beer. “I feel the same.”

Ares shrugged, probably because Dean coming up to him was what started all this, but it was also his inability to look away from J. Either way, Dean was going to take it as a win - he needed one. 

He clinked his beer against Cole’s and studied his face, noting how the blue of his eyes wasn’t quite right but the stubble on his jaw made up for it. The only problem in Dean’s mind was the fact that Cole and Ares _were_ friends, which would make his inability to commit to anyone but Cas a pretty major speedbump in an otherwise perfect plan. At least with someone random, leaving afterward wouldn’t be a big deal. 

“You two want us to leave you alone?” Jask pulled Ares into his lap and nodded to Dean, which Dean took as a roundabout way of saying _is it cool if we leave?_

Cole placed a hand on Dean’s leg and nodded. “Would be fine with me.”

_Shit._ Dean licked his lip slowly and spread his legs apart. Now that it was time, he really wasn’t sure if he was ready - though knowing him, he never would be. No sense putting off something that might actually help him forget Cas and move on, especially since he was pretty sure the only plan he had to ever get Cas back wasn’t going to work. “Fine with me, too. Have fun, guys. Thanks for the meet and greet, maybe I’ll take some pictures for ya.” He winked, his jaw going a little slack when he saw Cole seemed to be _very_ on board with that idea. _Shit, this might not be so bad._

“Gross.” Jask rolled his eyes and tapped Ares, who slid off of his lap and grabbed his jacket as they made their way toward the door. 

Ares pulled it open and stopped abruptly, jerking in surprise. “Oh shit, that’s creepy.”

Jask walked up behind Ares and stood up straight with his jaw tensed, like he was ready for some kind of fight. “Dean?”

“What?” He immediately tensed, wondering if he should be grabbing the gun he kept hidden under the coffee table. “J…?”

Cas - of all people - stepped in the door. “I wasn’t being creepy, you just opened before I could knock.” Dean about had a heart attack, but didn’t miss when he shoved a lone key into his pocket.

_Goddamnit._ Dean glanced at a very confused Cole and stood up, brushing off his jeans. “Gonna need the key back, Cas. This is still my house.” He held out his hand, ignoring the devastating wave rushing through him and failing spectacularly - just the sight of Cas alone had Dean’s knees trying to turn to some kind of jello. 

“Uhh… who the hell is this?” Cole asked, and Dean clicked his tongue, having a terrible feeling his living room was about to become a circus if he didn’t find a way to diffuse the situation. 

The problem was, when it came to Cas? Dean was never very good at diffusing _anything._ “Well, Cole. Meet Cas. My _husband.”_

_“Ex_ husband.” Cas reached back in his pocket and pulled out the key, as Ares interlocked his fingers with Jask’s and leaned in to whisper something. “I was going to give it back anyway.”

Cole looked around awkwardly and then walked towards the door. “This… isn’t a good time, I’m gonna…” 

“Nah, it’s a great time, stick around. Cas has moved on, too. Right?” Dean’s words seemingly made Cole uncomfortable, but he was too pissed off to care. 

Cas frowned and set the key on the coffee table they made together just two summers ago. “I think we should talk in private.”

Nothing about that seemed like a good idea, but it was time to actually put his plan into motion whether he was ready, or not. “Fine. J, don't look at me like that, just come back later on with a case of whiskey and every All Saints Day movie you can get your hands on, I’ll be fine. Seems I need to have a few words with Greybeach PD’s former finest.” 

Jask looked like he was going to argue, but ultimately muttered something under his breath and dragged a confused Ares out the door. Huffing, Dean turned to Cole and pulled him close. “Sorry this got cut short, but I’ll make it up to you, alright? I know this looks bad, but he’s here to divorce me. I’ll explain later if you’ll let me?”

Cole glanced at Cas and then met Dean’s eyes with a nod. “Okay, sure you don’t need someone to stay?”

Cas scoffed behind Dean but didn’t say anything. _Time to test a theory._ Dean cupped Cole’s chin and tipped it up, leaning down to kiss him quickly. He stayed close as he said, “Just something to convince you to come back,” then brought their lips together once more. 

That seemed to be good enough to satisfy Cole, but Cas took it upon himself to interrupt and pull out the papers. “It seems you are ready to move on, how about you sign the damn papers and I leave, so you can get back to... whatever _this_ is. Maybe use your real name this time, _Dena_?”

He fought the urge to smile against Cole’s mouth. Cas could posture all he wanted, but Dean knew jealousy when he heard it. He stepped back, winking as Cole made his way out the door with an awkward nod to Cas. 

Once they were alone, Dean shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to face his husband. “Think I can get you to buy the whole ‘can’t hear you, bad service, tunnel’ thing again?”

“Not a chance. And this way, you can’t hang up or ignore me.” He tossed the papers on the coffee table and sat on the couch with an exaggerated sigh. “Dean. Can we sit and be adults here?”

Dean wasn’t quite done being an ass, so he shrugged, raising his eyebrows. “Guess that depends, can I sit on your lap? You know I listen better like that.”

_Was that a smile he bit back?_ Dean couldn’t tell; it was gone before he could pinpoint it. 

Cas straightened and crossed his legs in defiance. “No. My girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate that. Since when were you such a brat outside of bed?”

“Not like there’s anyone around to make me behave anymore, and what can I say? I get cagey when people want me to do stupid shit.” He respected Cas’ space and sat on the edge of the table, picking up the key and fidgeting with it. “Fine, you wanna talk like adults? Talk.”

“Stupid shit? Like divorce papers after over half a year of separation? Dean. What do you want to happen here? We stay married so we can never truly give ourselves the opportunity to move on, and just never speak? Not to mention, we stopped speaking long before we separated.” Cas leaned forward slightly and met Dean’s eyes.

_That. That’s the only color blue I ever wanna see again._ “I got a better idea, Cas. Move back in with me. For one month, just one.” He licked his lip, lifting himself off the table slightly to tug at his jeans as his heart rate kicked up. “You may wanna end this, to throw away everything we have… but I don’t. Not yet, anyway. I might not be the one for you, but I’m pretty goddamn sure you’re the one for me.”

Cas scoffed and ran a hand through his hair, leaving it standing on end. “And what would that accomplish? This isn’t a romcom, Dean. Regardless of your love for chick flicks.”

“Psssh, I don’t love chick flicks.” Dean blushed, squeezing the key in his hand until it was digging painfully into his palm. _Fucker always saw right through me._ “And y’know what, fuck that. We were better than a stupid romcom, Cas. And yeah, okay, so my plan might be a bit chick-flickish, but I’m standing by it. When this is over, you get to go back to April and start your life, you get the girl. What the hell do I get, huh?” Dean struggled to control his expression as his chest tightened. “I get nothin’, so yeah. I want you to move back in for a month. Let me be happy for one more damn month. Eat with me, sleep next to me, act like we’re still friggin married. At the end of the month…” He took a breath, picking up the papers and staring at the traitorous words. “If you still wanna leave me when this is over, I’ll sign your papers. I’ll give you everything, the house, all our stuff. You can have it all. You have my word, Cas.”

“I don’t want to take anything from you, Dean. I’m not taking this house.” He looked completely deflated and stood up. “I’m leaving.” Cas made his way toward the door, leaving the papers behind. “This idea is crazy and would never work.”

Dean shook his head, standing, too. “Nah, Cas. I think you’re afraid it _will_ work, and you’ll have to admit you were wrong.” He headed for the door and opened it, stepping aside. “But fine, have it your way. Guess we’ll just stay married, then. Have fun cheating on me with August.”

“Her name is _April,_ and I’m not cheat-” Cas stopped himself and turned to storm away. “Goodbye, Dean.”

_Well, you kinda are, but whatever._ He watched Cas go, shutting the door behind him and sliding down it until his ass hit the floor. _Yeah. Goodbye, Cas._

**~~~~**

Cole never did call again. Not like Dean could blame him, having a potential interest’s husband show up in the middle of a first date would be a mood killer for him, too. 

It was for the best, anyway. One look at Cas had reminded Dean that there would never be anyone else, no matter what happened. It wasn’t physically possible to love someone more than he loved Cas, and if it was… he never wanted to find out. Loving someone more would mean a harder crash, and one of the only things Dean still knew for certain was that he wouldn’t survive another heartbreak like that. 

_Yet, I tried to set myself up for one. Cas moving back in for a month would’ve killed me, he’d have left anyway. And what’s that saying? It’s better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost?_

At least Jask and Ares didn’t seem to care that their matchmaking endeavor failed miserably. They seemed happy with each other. Dean tried not to focus too much on the fact that they were spending more and more time at his house, like he was on suicide watch or something. _I’m fine… or as fine as I can be._

It got so bad that after a couple of weeks, Dean had to specifically tell them he needed a weekend alone. They’d been making plans for a camping trip, and while Dean was normally on board with that, he just needed… space. 

They’d reluctantly listened, and he found himself _finally_ sitting on his couch with one hand wrapped around a bottle of Jack and the other nestled in his pajama pants. He was watching some stupid documentary on the History Channel. He wasn’t even sure what it was about, but they reminded him of Cas. 

He was nearly halfway through the bottle when someone knocked on his door, and Dean got up with a scowl, muttering, “Goddamnit, Jaskier. _One_ friggin night, that’s all I asked for.” Dean swung open the door, preparing to tell his best friend to fuck off, and dropped the remainder of his whiskey on the floor when he saw who was standing there holding a suitcase. 

“Cas?”

Cas looked lost, but he stood straighter when he saw Dean. “You took my key, _husband.”_ He stormed past Dean and stepped over the mess as he headed to the kitchen for paper towels. “It’s the middle of the afternoon, Dean.”

_He’s here. He took the deal, he’s here._ Dean quickly tried to wipe the mess off his shirt, not that it did any good, and bent down to gather up the broken glass. When Cas came back to clean the liquid, Dean looked hopelessly at him. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Castiel rolled his eyes and continued cleaning. “Is this why you asked me to move back in? To clean?” His lips nearly upturned in a grin but he forced them down.

“Hey, I’m the one with the maid outfit.” Dean smiles softly and nudged Cas. “Remember that?”

Cas’ smile was long gone at that point and he stood up to take the paper towels to the kitchen. “We shouldn’t talk about that stuff, Dean. It’s... the past.”

All the hope in Dean’s chest fizzed out. He discarded the broken glass and tried not to draw a metaphor to the beating thing in his chest. “So what, like… ground rules?”

“Yes. That would be a great place to start. No sex. That is my no. What is yours?” Cas braced his hands on the table and eyed Dean.

He should’ve seen that coming, but it hurt all the same. The fact that Cas could think about being around him for a month without wanting to have sex was rough. “I don’t have any. Wait - yeah, I do. You’re not allowed to be an ass unless I actually deserve it. Not for past shit, either. I gotta deserve it in the moment.”

“Fair enough.” Cas agreed. “And you can’t be drunk the whole time.”

_I only wanna be drunk when you’re not around._ “Deal, but you gotta have one drink with me every day.”

“Every day? That sounds excessive. What about two drinks twice a week?” 

_Friggin bargaining? At least he’s here._ “Fine, but then I’m making an amendment to one of yours since you altered one of mine. I can kiss you once a day.” 

Cas tensed and stood up straighter. He looked down, contemplating how to respond to that before he spoke. “Okay. Once.” He walked over to the fridge and grabbed them both a water. “Drink. When’s the last time you ate food?”

That ball of tension relaxed in his chest. _At least he still cares a little bit._ Dean took the water without complaint and drank, trying to remember when he _had_ eaten last. “Dinner last night? I made one of those frozen microwave deals. You want me to cook us something while you unpack?”

“I’ll cook. You need something other than burgers.” Cas knew exactly where everything was and looked so stupidly comfortable in Dean’s kitchen it hurt.

Dean could have told Cas he’d learned to cook more than burgers while he was away, but he had time. There wasn’t anything Dean wouldn’t do to win Cas back, and he had a whole month to prove it. He grinned and grabbed Cas’ suitcase. “I’ll unpack your bags then, and uh… guess I’m gonna have to go grocery shopping tomorrow. You coulda called first, y’know.”

“Why, so you could hit ignore?” He kept milling around the stove. “Go ahead, will my things be where they were before?”

He grimaced, realizing Cas _had_ called, Dean just hadn’t realized this was the reason. “Yeah, your dresser is still empty. I think I remember where everything goes.” 

_Or, exactly where everything goes, because I remember every damn thing about what this house was like before you left and made it so goddamn empty._ Dean wheeled the suitcase into his - _their_ \- room and unpacked it carefully, making sure each item stayed folded and neat as he put it back. 

By the time he was done, Dean could smell something delicious coming from the kitchen. He walked out slowly, wanting to savor the moment he saw Cas back where he belonged… even if it wasn’t real. _Yet. It’s not real_ **_yet._ **

“Thank you for unpacking, Dean.” Cas served their dinner and set the plates on the table. “Hungry?”

“Starving, Cas. Thanks.” He sat down, scooting his chair in and waiting until Cas joined him to actually dig in. Unsurprisingly, it was delicious, and the first bite drew a tiny, quiet moan of approval from Dean. He’d missed Cas’ ability to cook masterpieces with minimal ingredients almost as much as he’d missed Cas himself. 

They ate in relative silence and when they finished, they stayed sitting awhile. Words were hard for them, but Dean hoped they’d get over this awkward phase soon. 

Cas ended up not speaking at all - even though he looked like he tried to a few times - and stood abruptly to start cleaning the kitchen. “Where am I sleeping, Dean?”

“No, sit. You cooked, I’ll clean.” Dean rushed over, swatting Cas’ hand as he was reaching for the water faucet. “And uh… well, with… with me. I…” he trailed off and cleared his throat. _I hate sleeping alone and the nightmares have been eating me alive._ “I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

Cas moved aside and eyed him a moment before nodding. “Fine. I’ll go shower. I think I’ll take that drink after.”

He walked away before Dean could respond, which left Dean alone with the dishes and an ache in his chest. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was making things worse instead of better, but it was too late to back out now. And even if it wasn’t, he was too selfish to let Cas go home. Dean would milk this for everything it was worth, especially if it really was the end. 

When Cas returned, Dean had everything clean and a couple of candles lit, and a single glass of whiskey sitting on the table. “Figure I’ve already had mine for the day, right?” He grinned, hoping to see at least the ghost of a smile on Cas’ face - and he wasn’t completely disappointed.

He caught the faint smirk as Cas sat down in his bumblebee pajama pants. “Thank you.” He took a long sip of whiskey and made a face that showed it had been a long time since he drank. “It’s just as disgusting as I remember.”

“Yeah, I’ll… get you something you _do_ like when I go to the store tomorrow. Shit, I’m sorry.” Dean noted the inches between them and huffed a quiet sigh, but his mind was now suddenly focused on the kiss he was promised. _Can’t take advantage of it, can’t time it wrong. It’s gotta be perfect._ “I was watchin’ a documentary when you got here, the remote is next to you if you wanna watch somethin’ else, though.”

“Which one?” Cas tilted his head in the way Dean loved. “I remember you calling me boring for those.” He smiled and met Dean’s eyes, and Dean could practically feel the pieces in his chest trying to shove themselves back together. 

Dean nodded slowly, willingly trapped in his gaze. “Yeah, well, I was an idiot. I’m gonna be honest, I have no idea what this one was supposed to be about. Was kinda havin’ a bad day. Wasn’t really paying attention. We can start it over, if you want.”

“Okay.” Cas grabbed the remote to start it over and placed it in the space between them. He took another sip and coughed a little, but he was drinking it. At least he was trying.

Paying attention to Cas sounded more enticing than the documentary he already failed to get into once, so Dean angled his body in a way that he could stare at Cas without being overtly creepy. Even the way Cas _blinked_ made Dean weak - and in that moment, he realized Cas wasn’t having nearly the same reaction to him that he was having to Cas. _Maybe I’d be better off letting him go. I can’t even breathe over here, I’m friggin drowning, and he’s… watching some documentary about the Aztecs._

Dean folded his arms across his chest and tore his eyes away, choosing to feign interest in the tv rather than spend another second digging himself deeper. 

Cas finished his drink and set it aside, his cheeks already flushed from the alcohol, and he started gushing about history. 

But things were different this time. Dean listened. He _showed_ Cas that he was listening, because he remembered that being one of his complaints. He asked questions and tried to look him in the eyes, despite the fact that Cas wasn’t looking at him at all. 

When it was over, Cas looked like he’d at least relaxed a little bit, which Dean took as a good sign. But it was nearly time for bed, and he’d meant to finish a certain conversation during dinner but had been too afraid to actually do it . “So, uh… ground rules. Just no sex and I can’t get drunk? Any others?” 

“I didn’t say you could _never_ get drunk. Or... yeah, no getting drunk. Just a buzz.” He crossed his legs on the couch and twiddled his thumbs. “I feel like there are more I should be thinking of, but I can’t. What about... sleeping with other people?” Cas looked up then and tilted his head again. “I think if we are going to do this, _really_ do this. No others should be involved, like the man that was here the last time I came.”

Dean wasn’t stupid enough to point out that _also_ included April. “So, celibate for a month, huh? Not outta the ordinary for me. Deal.” He shrugged, knowing fully well that Cole was a non-issue anyway. _Kinda hypocritical that you won’t fuck me but no one else can, either… but I have exactly zero room to pass judgments here._

Cas frowned slightly and looked surprised when Dean said it wasn’t out of the ordinary. “Have you... not?”

_Great, now he’s about to get judgy._ Dean shook his head a little bit, looking down at the floor. “Nah, not once. Not since you left, anyway.” _And I’m dyin’ over here, but fine. If I gotta go another month to prove to you I’m serious, I’ll do it._

He frowned again and looked away, staring down at his hands. “Oh. Wh- never mind. Apologies. I think we should head to bed but I have another thing...”

“Lay it on me, Cas. All ears.” _I shoulda grabbed a notebook._

“I think this is good. Sitting and talking. I’d like to do it every night and if not every night, every other night. Do you think that is possible?” Cas never looked up as he spoke, but he looked nervous to ask.

It was the first decent thing to happen to Dean in weeks. He nodded quickly, fighting the urge to reach over and grab Cas’ hand to help steady him. “I’d like that a lot, Cas. God, I miss hearing your voice so much it’s stupid.”

Cas’ eyes slammed shut and he inhaled a deep breath before standing. “That alcohol has me craving something sweet. Do you have anything?” He made his way to the cabinets to search.

“If you count pie as sweet, which you _should,_ there’s whatever’s left of one in the oven. Or there’s chocolate in the cupboard where you used to keep all the board games… please don’t ask me why.” 

“Okay...” He frowned slightly and then pulled out the pie from the oven and grabbed two forks. “Here. There isn’t enough for two but we can share.”

In arguably the most selfless act he’d ever committed, Dean shook his head and stood up. “Nah, you eat it. I already ate… almost all of it.” Giving up his pie was nearly painful, but for Cas? He’d give up pie altogether if he could just have him back. “I’ll go warm up your side of the bed… I know how you hate cold sheets, and since I can’t really cuddle with you… yeah. Enjoy the pie.” He turned on his heel and left the room, crawling into his bed on the side he’d been sleeping on since Cas left until the sheets seemed warm enough, then rolled over to the other end.

He felt the bed move a little while later and Cas sighed as he laid his head back on the pillow. “Um... goodnight?”

“Nah, you owe me a kiss. I promise I’ll keep my tongue in my own mouth.”

He heard Cas nod against his pillow and then he sat up, looming over Dean a second before leaning in and kissing him. It was over as quickly as it began and Cas rolled over to face the wall. “Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean slammed his eyes shut and held his fingers gently over his lips, hating the fact that it felt like Cas was just kissing a friend. When he answered, his voice cracked. “Yeah. G’night, Cas.”


	2. Chapter 2

Dean slept like shit. Having Cas so close and not being able to hold him was tantamount to torture, but he’d opened his mouth and made a promise he wasn’t prepared to keep. 

So, he laid there until exhaustion dragged him under, and woke up a couple of hours later to hear Cas snoring softly. He sat up with his feet dangling over the edge as he listened, comforted at least in the fact that his room wasn’t so deadly silent anymore. 

When his stomach growled, Dean decided to cook breakfast for Cas, and made his way into the kitchen to start the coffee. He threw together some homemade waffles and bacon, wondering the entire time if he should take his shirt off to entice Cas, or leave it on to respect him.

In the end, he left it on. 

Cas walked out as he was turning off the stove. His hair was standing on end and one eye was still closed. “Morning. Smells good.”

_ Yeah, good morning, I wanna kiss the life outta you, you look so good right now.  _ “Morning. Coffee?” Dean grabbed Cas’ favorite mug from the cupboard and filled it quickly, walking it over and handing it to him. “Would it be inappropriate to ask for today’s kiss right now? You look adorable, Castiel. Seriously.”

Cas huffed a laugh and nodded. “Sure. But don’t complain later on when you want bedtime kisses.” He took the cup and stood there, awaiting his kiss.

_ Shit.  _ “Okay, okay. I’ll wait. Might just kill me, but I’ll wait. Beginning to think I shoulda negotiated that one better.” He dished up their breakfast instead and winked at Cas, pulling a chair out for him. 

“You could have said one every morning and one every night.” Cas turned away and went to sit at the dining table, his eyes watching Dean in the kitchen.

“Or, we could amend it. You get one, I get one.” Dean shrugged, hoping it was nonchalant - because the hope in his chest was anything  _ but.  _

“I think that is fair. I’ll take mine now, and you can still have yours for whenever you want to use it.” He took a sip of coffee with a small smirk.

_ Thank fucking god.  _ Dean walked over, cupping Cas’ face gently and tilting his head up as he leaned down and pressed their lips together, holding as long as he dared, then pulled back slowly with his eyes closed. “Like that?”

“That was… very nice to wake up to, thank you.” Cas went back to his coffee and looked down at the liquid.

Dean brought their food over and set Cas’ plate down in front of him, then took the seat across from him with his own. “Just wait till you get a mouthful of  _ these  _ bad boys.” 

“Looks good, smells good. Let’s see.” Cas took a bite and released a moan. “Dean. These are amazing.”

A genuine smile split Dean’s face and he brought his legs a little closer together to try and his body’s response to that sinful noise. “I learned a couple of tricks while you were gone.” 

“Is that so? Ever learn how to find your car keys?” Cas joked and took another bite.

Heat blossomed in his cheeks and he looked down, poking at his waffle eating a bite way too large for his mouth. “Nuhhn.”

“I’ve told you  _ so _ many times. Pick a place and stick to it. I even bought that key thing for the wall that we never put up.” Cas chuckled at the memories. “Remember when we lost them for an entire week?”

Dean shuddered, not particularly fond of that memory. “Yeah, and we were stuck driving your little piece of shit instead of Baby. It was awful.” He smiled just a little, and pointed to the wall by the door where the key hanger was mounted. “I did put it up, though. Eventually.”

Cas turned and Dean noticed his body slack slightly at the sight. He turned back towards his breakfast with an unreadable face. “It looks good.”

After breakfast, Dean cleaned up again while Cas freshened up in the bathroom. Dean already craved another kiss, a deeper kiss, a kiss that would tell him he wasn’t crazy and there was still something there. But Cas had been right, he needed that kiss before they went to bed. That was the  _ one  _ thing they always did before they went to sleep, and part of him knew that keeping that tradition alive was important. 

When he came back out, Dean was nervous. Normally, they’d waste lazy Sunday afternoons in bed, taking their time exploring each other. With sex off the table, and their relationship strained… he had no idea what to do. 

Cas walked over and sat on the couch, still looking unbelievably comfortable in some sweats. “Want to... hang out?”

_ That’ll do it.  _ Dean joined him, sitting a little closer than he had the night before. “I picked yesterday, it’s your turn.”

“You picked something I liked though. So I’ll pick something you like...” He chewed his thumb nail while he thought about it. “A western?”

“Cas, I’d ask you to marry me again if you weren’t actively trying to divorce me.” He grinned, hoping Cas wouldn’t take that personally. “How bout  _ Tombstone?” _

Cas blushed and rolled his eyes, chuckling a little as he nodded. “That one works. I’ll get us some water.”

_ Fuck. He’s breathtaking.  _ Dean grabbed the remote and started searching for the movie as Cas got up, and gratefully accepted the water when he came back. “Thanks, babe.” He pushed play, refusing to apologize for the pet name. “You cold? Need a blanket, or… something?”  _ Me?  _

“Um... sure. Thanks.” Dean watched him wrap his lips around the water bottle and had to force away his gaze.

He grabbed a blanket big enough for both of them and returned, keeping the same distance as he settled in and tossed half of the blanket over Cas. Dean dropped his hand between their knees, shamelessly hoping Cas might hold his hand. 

Cas had to have noticed, because he placed his hands together in his lap and pointedly stared at the tv.  _ Gonna pick a slasher next time so he’ll hold my friggin hand. _

Dean mouthed just about every word to that movie, taking occasional sips of his water and trying more than once to brush their knees together, but Cas kept shifting. Eventually, he gave up, and stood once the credits were rolling. “I’m gonna head to the store. You can come with me if you want, or stay here. Or, go somewhere else… anywhere  _ but  _ to see August.”

“April. And she and I are not speaking this month. I’d rather go with you. Unless... you’d prefer some breathing room.”

Shaking his head, Dean nodded toward the door. “I had like seven months of breathing room, and I hated every goddamn second of it. Come on.” He grabbed his keys, pushing through the hurricane of thoughts in his head borne of Cas’ little admission.  _ Not talking all month, huh?  _

Cas went into the bedroom to slip on some jeans and shoes. He ran a hand quickly through his hair - not helping it much - and then walked up to Dean. “I’m ready.”

“Ah, fuck. Full disclosure, I wanna kiss you again.” He squeezed his keys and stared at Cas’ lips, his breath hitching in his throat. “Let’s... go.”

Cas looked down and followed, Dean didn’t miss the way he lit up when he saw Baby and the smirk was contagious. “A lot of good memories in this car.”

Dean briefly considered letting Cas drive, but that was one line he wasn’t willing to cross at that moment. That seemed like a worst-case scenario kind of thing, and he wasn’t there yet. 

They climbed in, and Dean gave Cas a moment to get reacquainted before starting it up and hitting the road. “Throw in my  _ Houses of the Holy  _ cassette, will ya?”

With his bottom lip between his teeth, Cas leaned down to find the cassette and pushed it inside. “She feels just like I remember.”

“Bet she’s not the only one,” Dean muttered. He pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, grateful it was close to his house. “Guess what else I learned while you were gone?”

“What?” Cas looked over, his face lighting up more than it had since he arrived.

Suddenly, what he was going to say didn’t seem to be good enough, but Dean didn’t have anything else. “Just… how to grocery shop like an adult and not a starving teenager.”

The smile he got was worth it. “I’m very proud of you. Have you had salad?”

“Whoa, whoa… now you’re just talkin’ crazy.” Dean grinned, shutting off the car and getting out. They worked pretty well together once inside, and Dean kept his impulse buys to a record minimum. 

Unloading the groceries felt like it always had, and by the time everything was away, Dean was nearly fooled into believing things were back to normal. He walked past Cas to head to the bathroom and brushed his fingers against Cas’ hand, and didn’t notice his negative reaction until he was coming back out and saw Cas standing stock still with his jaw clenched. “Hey, what the hell happened?”

“You can’t keep pushing, Dean. There are lines that shouldn’t be crossed, it isn’t fair to either of us.”

Defensiveness caused Dean’s shoulders to tense and he stood his ground, finding it hard to believe Cas was drawing the line  _ there.  _ “So, what, I can kiss you twice a day but I can’t touch you? I didn’t even do anything, Cas!” He dipped his head, rubbing his jaw with an unsure hand.  _ C’mon, I can’t get all pissy. I’m supposed to be better now.  _ “Look, I’m sorry, but the whole reason I wanted you to move back in was so we would act like we were still married for a month. Not so you’d be close enough to touch but I wouldn’t be allowed, that’s friggin torture.” 

“Act like we were married...” Cas scoffed and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “We didn’t even act like we were married at the end of our actual marriage Dean. Do you know how it feels to stare at the man you love and get nothing in return? It was like talking to a wall.”

Looking back, Dean could admit it was true. But that didn't stop him from getting irrationally angry about it, especially given the circumstances. “First of all, you were pulling away  _ long  _ before I was, Cas. And second, yeah - I do fuckin’ know what that’s like, cause it’s happenin’ right now!” 

Cas crossed his arms with a frown, doing that annoying thing he does where he overly thinks about his next words before speaking. Sometimes, Dean wished he would just yell what he felt instead of being so composed all the time. 

“I’m sorry I’m doing that to you now. But I did  _ not _ pull away first, Dean. I pulled away to protect myself, I was giving so much and you stopped even asking how my day was. At first it was just to try it, just to see if you’d notice... and then  _ nothing _ changed.” He backed against the wall and laid his head back with an exasperated sigh.

_ Nothing changed because I shut down when I think I’m not wanted, and I was too stupid to realize it was my fault. _ “Yeah, and instead of coming to me and saying ‘Hello, Dean. Can you please stop being an assbutt and be a functional member of this marriage again’ you just left!” Cas looked offended at Dean’s poor imitation of him, but Dean didn’t care - and maybe that was part of the problem. “You left me, Cas. And that was the second worst day of my life, right behind when mom died.”

Cas was angry and it showed in every gorgeous line on his face. “Well, it was the  _ best _ day of mine, because everything became so clear. I left, but  _ you _ didn’t stop me. The perfect end to an imperfect marriage.” He walked into their bedroom and slammed the door.

Dean stood there for a moment, feeling like he’d just been hit as hard as the doorframe. Even knowing Cas couldn’t hear, he muttered, “Y’know what? I take it back. It  _ was _ the worst day of my life... cause at least mom didn’t leave me on purpose.”

He grabbed his keys and palmed them tightly, every bone in his body begging him to run.  _ Nah, I can’t run. Not anymore. He wants to see me cross lines? I’ll cross some goddamn lines. _

**~~~~**

Dean barely spoke to Cas over the next couple of days. He went to work and came home to find him already in the bedroom or talking on the phone to his partner on the force. It suited Dean just fine, partially because he was still angry - but mostly because the lack of communication and daily kisses played perfectly into the next step of his plan.

On Wednesday morning, he woke up before his alarm and glanced over to make sure Cas was still in bed. He couldn’t tell if his husband was still sleeping or not, but it didn’t matter - either way, he’d hopefully be awake soon enough. 

A little piece of him felt like an asshole for even trying something like what he was about to do, but he buried that hesitation deep and rolled over onto his stomach. He let his mind wander to all of the times they’d had sex in that very bed, with Cas’ strong hands pinning him down to the mattress as he thrust into him, splitting him open. The rest happened naturally - Dean let out a moan as he thickened in his pajama pants and rolled his hips hard enough to make the bed dip. 

He kept his eyes gently closed as he groaned, picturing the redness of his own ass the last time Cas spanked him. Dean’s body tingled with want, and he started to regret his decision when he realized how badly he was teasing  _ himself  _ with his little show - but with a little luck, he’d be getting what he needed soon enough. 

He rutted again, sucking in a breath at the way his boxers tugged on the leaking tip of his cock and inwardly  _ whooped  _ when he felt Cas sit up.  _ Good, now fuckin’ touch me, Cas. Please, just fuckin’  _ **_take_ ** _ me. _

Cas didn’t move, and from the lack of noises not coming from Dean himself, he wasn’t breathing, either. Dean moved a little faster, a little more deliberately, lifting his ass in the air just enough that the blanket slid down to his thighs. He moaned Cas’ name, burying his face in the pillow to hide his expression and stopped grinding against the bed just shy of actually coming. 

Coated in sweat, Dean jerked like he was just waking up, and swore quietly before rolling over and wrapping his hand around his clothed, damp erection. 

Cas cleared his throat awkwardly and kept his eyes on the bedding around Dean’s hips. “Dean... you’re um... dreaming.”

“Yeah, not anymore. Woke up just before the money shot.” Dean stroked himself over his boxers a couple of times and reluctantly let go, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry about that, I’ll uh… go shower or something.” He gripped himself again, this time just squeezing. “Fuck, that kinda hurts.”

“Are you okay?” Cas shifted slightly and bunched the covers up over his own crotch, which told Dean things were already going according to plan. 

He nodded, getting up and deliberately bending over so Cas could see his ass. “I’ve been better, but… I respect the rules, Cas. You said no sex, and I get it. Though, you should know… that dream I had? Was about you. They’re  _ always  _ about you.” 

Dean smiled with closed lips at the expression on Cas’ face and headed for the bathroom, quietly finishing himself off in the shower. 

Work was long, but Dean made sure to get as greasy and dirty as possible working on other people’s shitty cars, and when he finally got back home that night, he was ready for the second half of his scheme. Cas was in the kitchen rooting around, so Dean walked up right behind him. “Hey, why don't we just order pizza tonight? I can tell you cleaned today, you sure as hell shouldn’t have to cook, too. I’d do it, but I need another damn bath.”

Cas’ eyes traveled up his frame with his jaw slack before he cleared his throat. “Um, yes... pizza. Meat lovers?”

“Is there any other kind? Gotta get some meat in my mouth  _ somehow,  _ huh?” Dean smirked and then bit his lip, turning to head to the bathroom. 

He showered quickly but thoroughly, making sure his body was immaculately clean before stepping out, dripping wet. Dean sucked in a nervous breath and stroked himself a couple of times - not enough to bring on a full erection, but enough that his cock had some girth to it. 

Bracing himself, Dean pushed open the bathroom door and headed for his room, which meant he walked right past Cas in the living room, naked and wet. “Sorry, Cas. Forgot I used the last of the towels this morning, guess I gotta do laundry.”

“I... I um... uh...” Cas looked down at the floor quickly. “I did some laundry, it’s in the dryer.”

Dean grinned cheekily, tilting his head to the side. “Y’know what else I forgot? You owe me… oh, what is it now? Somewhere between five and seven kisses, depending on if we’re counting today’s or not? I want ‘em… right now.” 

“Dean.” Cas put a hand over his eyes and covered the pained expression on his face. “Okay, get dressed.”

Shaking his head, Dean made his way over and straddled Cas’ lap. “Nope, I think you made me wait long enough, don’t you?” His heart hammered in his chest, fearful Cas would yell at him or push him off. 

Cas gasped and his hands naturally went to Dean’s hips, like they had so many times before. “Dean...” he whispered, finally meeting his eyes.

“Let’s see… one.” Dean leaned in, barely brushing their lips together. “Two.” He kissed him a little harder, lifting his ass slightly off his lap. “Three.” Dean cocked his head to the right and dove back in, carding his fingers in Cas’ hair. He was fully hard by that point, his erection pressing against Cas’ stomach and making his breathing a little ragged.  _ C’mon, Cas. Let me in.  _ “Four…” he groaned, grinding down in Cas’ lap and just barely nipping his bottom lip. “And this last one, I’m taking with interest.” He tugged on Cas’ hair and licked into his mouth, whimpering at the warm familiarity he found there. 

And to his surprise, Cas kissed back, moaning desperately into his mouth as he gripped his ass and rutted up. Dean was beginning to think Cas hadn’t been kissed this way in a long time just as Cas pulled away.

His lips were plump and inviting, but the rest of him was not. Cas moved Dean off his lap and disappeared into the backyard without a word.

Of course, someone knocked on the front door. He tried calling for Cas, but no answer came, so Dean covered his leaking cock with a throw pillow and opened the door. “Yeah, hi. Can you just... set it down? We paid over the phone, right?”

“Yes, it is paid.” The pizza guy chuckled. “Looks like a good time.” He turned to leave with a grin, and Dean rolled his eyes - none of this  _ seemed  _ very fun. 

He left the door cracked as he went to go get dressed, then retrieved the pizza and went outside to find Cas. “Hey, food’s here. You uh… you hungry? I’m dressed… and sorry, if that helps.”

Cas was staring up at the sky and turned his way with his eyebrows pinched together. “Okay, thank you. I was very much at fault there as well. I’m sorry, too.”

_ Why, cause my plan worked and then backfired spectacularly? Cause I got what I wanted just for you to reject me again?  _ “You got nothin’ to be sorry for, Cas. Guess I went a little far over the line, but that was the best thing that’s happened to me in months.” Dean smiled sadly and held the door open for him. “C’mon, I’ll keep my hands to myself during dinner. You pick the movie.”

“How about Indiana Jones?” Cas walked past him and went to grab plates.

Dean headed for the fridge. “You know I’ll never say no to Indy. You uh… want water, soda, beer or one of those mixed things we got last weekend?” 

“Um... let’s do beer? We haven’t had our drinks in a few days.” Cas served Dean a slice more than himself and made his way to the couch.

He grabbed two and followed Cas, keeping his distance on the couch. His boner had finally gone down, but the desire bubbling under his skin hadn’t. And while Dean was glad the anger and awkwardness of the first few days seemed to have abated, that definitely hadn’t gone how he’d envisioned. If Cas could resist Dean like that, maybe their marriage really  _ was  _ over. 

After opening and handing Cas his beer, Dean picked up a slice of pizza and leaned back, trying to lose himself in  _ Raiders of the Lost Ark.  _

The silence spread throughout the entirety of the first movie and to Dean’s surprise, Cas grabbed them more beers and asked for  _ Temple of Doom. _ “Unless... you’d like to get ready for bed?”

Seeing an opportunity, Dean took the beer and shook his head. “Can I go with neither? It’s been a few days, why don’t we just… talk?” 

“You’re right. We should. So um, how was work today?” Cas turned and faced Dean with his leg on the couch.

_ Shit.  _ Talking was a great idea, right up until he had to do it. “Honestly? Long. Boring stuff… tire rotations, oil changes. Someone blew a blower motor.” He took a swig of his beer and stared at the bottle. “How’s the new precinct?”

“I miss my old one.” Cas admitted and took a drink. “This time off is nicer than I imagined. I haven’t taken any in years, though a dog would be nice to pass the time... do you have any PTO?”

Dean chewed the inside of his cheek and nodded slowly. “Yeah, got quite a bit of it, actually. Just didn’t take any cause I figured you’d want rid of me for a while.”

“Oh.” He took another drink and looked away. “I almost texted you a few times out of boredom and then just started reading.”

His stomach sank. _ Not only was that not a ‘yeah, take some time off with me’, but he couldn’t even text me outta boredom?  _ “Right, I get it. Read anything good?”

“I’m not sure yet, still feeling the book out. Ask me again in a couple of days.” He glanced over so their eyes met. “I think maybe... never mind.”

_ And he says  _ **_I’m_ ** _ a damn wall.  _ “You can say it, Cas. Whatever it is. Pretty sure we’re past the point of hurtin’ my feelings.”

“I wasn’t going to hurt you. I was going to make a silly request.” Cas huffed a laugh and polished off his beer. “I was going to say you should take some time off while I’m here. But, that seems selfish to ask just because I’m bored. I also think it could be a good thing, I mean if we can’t handle a couple weeks together, how could we handle life together?”

Dean’s hopes soared and he grinned, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Consider it done, I’ll text Bobby and see how much time I’ve got.” 

“I’m going to have another beer. Would you like one?” Cas stood awkwardly and walked toward the kitchen.

Though he’d rather have whiskey, Dean wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. “Sure, I’ll take another one. Thanks, Cas.” He texted a quick explanation to his boss, pleading for as much time off as he could get without getting fired, crossing his fingers that Bobby would play nice about it.

Cas came back with two already opened beers and sat down in the same position. “Is there anything you’d like to ask me?”

His phone buzzed before he could answer and he looked down, grinning eye to eye at the text that said he could take as much time as he needed if it meant fixing his marriage. “Uh, yeah. Just one. Think you can handle me all day every day for the rest of the month? Gotta green light.”

Cas laughed a little too hard at that but Dean couldn’t help but join in. “Do you think  _ you  _ can handle  _ me  _ all day, Dean? You’re going to do yoga with me.”

Dean shifted, the thought of Cas being bendy in tight pants was doing things to him - but hopefully, it would do things to Cas, too. “Guess we’re gonna find out.”

“Guess so.” Cas took another long drink and then set his beer on the coffee table. “I think it’s time for  _ my _ kiss.”

He licked his lips, adrenaline spiking for no damn reason. “Then come kiss me. We both know I’ll take it too far, I want you too goddamn bad.”

Cas licked his lips and stood up, walking over to straddle Dean’s lap. “You shouldn’t be the only one allowed to tease.” Before Dean could respond, he pressed their lips together, moving just a little before standing back up and walking towards the bedroom. “I have to use the restroom, you know beer goes right through me.”

_ Fuck.  _ Dean reached down to palm himself, groaning quietly.  _ Yeah, the difference is… I think I may actually die without it.  _

**~~~~**

The next couple of days went more or less the same. Dean tried to stay respectful, Cas teased him. There were tense moments and good moments, but overall, Dean still felt like he wasn’t making a dent. 

They’d just finished eating lunch, so Dean took a stab. “Go on a date with me tonight.”

“I’m not sure if we’re ready for that yet, Dean. I think we are communicating better, but to go on a date as if everything is fine... doesn’t sit well with me. I’m sorry.”

_ Right, cause everything’s not fine.  _ Dean tried to hide the hurt on his face and nodded, getting up from the table. “Yeah, course. Sorry, it was a stupid suggestion. I’m uh… I gotta fix the deck out back. Some of the wood rotted. I’ll clean up in here when I’m done.” 

“I got the kitchen. See you in a bit.” Cas walked to the kitchen and started cleaning, his brow furrowed together.

Dean ducked outside, knowing damn well his deck was fine, but he needed some space, needed a minute where he didn’t have to try to control his facial expression. He grabbed the spare boards he had from the original project and scoured the deck for a couple that he could rip out without ruining anything and got to work. 

_ Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? Maybe I’m trying too hard? What the hell does he want from me?  _

The thoughts were coming in faster and more insistently, and all he wanted to do was get hammered. But, a promise was a promise, and even if Cas was only vaguely living up to his end - Dean would be good. He had to be. 

When Dean went inside a few hours later, Cas was sitting on the couch reading a book. He closed it, and glanced Dean’s way, not hiding the fact that his eyes devoured his entire body. “Hello, Dean. All finished?”

“Yeah, should be good to go now.” Dean almost hated the look on Cas’ face - it was clear he wanted it, yet he wouldn’t do anything about it. “You don’t have to stop readin’ on my account, I can uh... occupy myself if you want.”

“Do you need any help with anything? I’ve become a little handy now that I have to do it all on my own.” Cas set the book aside and glanced back at Dean.

Dean chuckled, grabbing a bottle of water and leaning against the wall. “What, April doesn’t know how to rebuild a deck or unclog a drain? Shame, Cas.”

“You remembered her name.” Cas looked away and sighed. “I’m not sure what she can do, we don’t live together.”

_ Well, at least  _ **_that’s_ ** _ something.  _ “Ah, so was that the step you wanted to take? The whole reason you wanted the papers signed so suddenly?”

“Yes. It didn’t feel right to live with someone while married to someone else.”

_ Right, and you’d rather have her than me.  _ Pain pulsed through him but he kept a straight face, stuffing his hands into his pocket. “That’s fair. Can I ask you somethin’ though? Why a chick? What was it about this woman that you thought was better than me?”

Cas frowned. “She was never better than you. She was different. I... couldn’t be with another man. They would never be you.”

Dean huffed a bitter laugh and gallic shrugged. “You got that right. Ain’t nobody got an ass like mine.” He walked over to grab his water again and took a sip, deciding to be nice. “She’s pretty. You guys looked happy together. I’m surprised she agreed to this, actually.”

Cas looked like he had something to say to that but changed his mind.  _ Friggin wall again. _ He cleared his throat and then changed the subject. “Do you want to watch another movie?”

_ Yeah, guess you wanna talk until it’s time to talk about you.  _ “Sure, we never did get to  _ Temple of Doom.  _ Wanna watch that? I’ll make some popcorn and hot chocolate?”

“That sounds great.” Cas got up to put the movie in and went to grab them a blanket.

Knowing he was gross, Dean started the popcorn and the milk for the hot chocolate, then ran into the bathroom to clean up a little bit, racing back just in time to pop the microwave door open. “Hah! Perfect timing.” He scooped the hot chocolate mix into a couple of mugs and added his signature touch, then somehow balanced everything and met Cas on the couch. “Nailed it.”

“Thanks, babe.” Cas reached for the hot chocolate and froze. “I’m sorry.”

Dean fought the urge to crawl right back into Cas’ lap and shrugged one shoulder, setting the bowl of popcorn down between them. “Don’t apologize, though that wasn’t my favorite pet name you gave me. You could apologize for not callin’ me sweetheart.” He refused to be embarrassed, knowing Cas just opened a door Dean would be taking full advantage of during their nightly kiss. 

Cas blushed and grabbed some popcorn. “That’s almost slipped a few times, if I’m being honest.”

“You can call me that, y’know. I’d… I’d like it. Like I said, Cas… if this month ends and you go back to April? This is the last chance I have to be happy. Now, I’m tryin’ to respect your rules and regulations and shit, but throw me a bone once in a while.” Dean shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth to force himself to shut up, but didn’t regret saying any of it. It had already been a week, and time was running out quicker than he thought it would. 

“That sounds fair enough. But Dean.” Cas grabbed the remote and hit pause. “Why do you say this is your last chance to be happy?”

Dean met those baby blues without an ounce of hesitation. “Cause, Cas. I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. And I don’t even wanna try. You’re it for me, whether or not I’m it for you.”

“That isn’t fair. I want you to be happy, Dean.” Cas’ gaze didn’t waver.

Nodding, Dean licked his bottom lip. “Yeah, Cas. Me too. And I know I can’t make you stay when this is all over, but… I’m gonna try every damn day to show you I can be better.”

“I see it, Dean. I’m sorry if I don’t act like it. It is very hard to not fall back into routine,” Cas admitted.

He huffed, exasperated. “Why are you fighting it, then? The whole point of this is to…” Dean closed his eyes, realizing if he kept talking, he’d just be pushing Cas. “You go at your own pace. Just do what feels right, okay?” 

“No, you’re right.” Cas ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “You’re right, sweetheart. I haven’t been trying, I’ve been fighting this.”

Dean’s stomach rolled so hard he actually let out a soft whimper. He felt his eyes stinging and cleared his throat, trying not to lose his shit right there on that couch - and failing miserably. It shouldn’t have been possible for something to simultaneously be healing and yet so heartbreaking. “God, I’m sorry.” He took a long sip of his hot chocolate and leaned forward to set the mug on the table, then dug his palms into his eyes, clearing his throat a second time.  _ Quit being such a goddamn baby about it, Dean. It’s just a damn name. _ “I know it’s not your job to fix this, Cas. It’s mine.”

Cas slid his glass on the table and scooted over until their bodies were flush. Without hesitation, Dean melted into his arms and Cas held him there, as strong and sure as he ever had. 

It felt so damn good Dean nearly let those traitorous tears fall, but it was bad enough he could feel himself shaking. He refused to cry on top of it, despite the dampness hitting his cheeks. He clutched onto Cas’ shirt and refused to let go, afraid that if he did, he’d never be in Cas’ arms again. 

He didn’t know how long they sat there, but when Cas moved away, Dean actually felt better. Cas touched his hair softly and then rubbed his back. “Let’s go on a date. I haven’t been fair to you. This isn’t all on you, Dean. I have to try, too.”

_ Fuckin’ finally.  _ Dean coughed and nodded, jerking his head toward the clock. “Tomorrow? It’s gettin’ kinda late, and I had somethin’ specific in mind.”

“Tomorrow is fine. Can I have my kiss? I think we will both feel better after.” Cas touched his face softly and glanced down at his lips, and once again, Dean’s body threatened to betray him. 

Slowly, Dean leaned forward and gently kissed him, choosing to let him lead, and Cas pressed in a little firmer and closed his eyes. It wasn’t some hot and heavy make out session, but it held much more promise than one of those. Dean could  _ feel _ the difference in Cas.

“Y’know, I still have mine, too. And fuck, I know we’ll be goin’ to sleep soon, but I kinda wanna use it now.” Dean stayed close enough to Cas that he could feel the short bursts of air coming from his mouth, not able to pull himself away. 

“Then go for it.” Cas’ lips turned up in a smirk, not moving an inch.

Dean shook his head slightly, staying right where he was. “Nah, don’t wanna waste it. Maybe if you kiss me like this right before I go to sleep, I’ll finally finish that dream I was havin’ the other day.” He finally pulled back, his cheeks flushed and a smile playing across his face. 

Cas stayed where he was and nodded. “Okay... wait, did we say they had to be mouth kisses?”

His jaw went slack as he thought of all the  _ other  _ places Cas might kiss, and he shook his head. “N-no, but… just in case you’re tryna pull a fast one on me, cheek kisses don’t count.”

“I didn’t mean cheek. But thanks for setting the ground rules.” Cas grinned and stood up, disappearing into the bedroom.

Excitement raced its way down Dean’s spine and he scrambled off the couch, spilling the rest of the popcorn in his haste to follow Cas. When he got into the bedroom, the only sign of Cas at all was the closed bathroom door.  _ Maybe he’s... cleaning up? _

It never once occurred to Dean that it might be something else, so he shucked off his clothes quickly and climbed into bed in just his boxers - he enjoyed the way Cas took them off far too much to do it himself. 

He fidgeted while he waited, shifting his elbows and trying to find a pose that exuded both comfort and sex appeal, but knew deep down he probably just looked needy.

Cas came out a moment later and did a double take at the bed. “Oh, is it bedtime already? I didn’t notice the time.” He pulled off his shirt and climbed into bed with a sigh. “Today was good. Thank you, Dean.”

None of that sounded like sex was on the table, and Dean didn’t want to push. His entire upper body flushed pink with the embarrassment of misreading the situation, but he smiled genuinely at Cas. “Welcome, Cas. Just wait til tomorrow. You’re gonna lose your mind on this date.”

“Can’t wait. Ready for that kiss now, sweetheart?”

_ Fuck. No, cause it’ll only be a fraction of what I need right now, especially after that.  _ He nodded, still curious about what Cas meant. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

Cas sat up and loomed over him, not moving, like he wasn’t sure what to do. “I actually used my kiss already. It’s your turn... unless you say I have an extra one.”

“Yeah, fuck. Take me - I mean  _ mine, _ take  _ mine _ \- it’s yours.” Dean’s eyes widened innocently as he watched Cas, his body craving something he was almost certain wasn’t coming.

“I didn’t mean take yours. You can still have yours. I was meaning... just an extra one. Move your head to the side, sweetheart. I miss kissing your neck.”

_ Oh, fuck.  _ Dean’s body jerked but he obliged quickly, telling himself that the blue balls he was willingly about to give himself would be worth it - or, at the very least, that was a problem for a later version of himself. “Take as many extras as you want. They’re free.”

Cas leaned in and kissed once... twice... three times before he was laying down on top of Dean and they both completely lost count. He could feel Cas waking up with each passing second, and then it was over. He sat up with flushed cheeks and apologized. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten carried away.”

Dean was dizzy with how bad he needed Cas to keep going. His boxers were completely tented and his chest was heaving as he reached out, trying to pull Cas back to him. “No, no, fuck… get more carried away, you didn’t need to stop.”

“Dean...” he whispered, “not yet.” Cas moved off him and palmed himself as he rolled over to face the wall, and Dean’s body strained with the effort it took not to beg for it. 

“Okay, Cas. G’night, then.” Dean rolled, gently placing a kiss to the back of Cas’ neck since that was all he could reach, and then pulled the blanket up over himself and tried to settle down. 

_ ‘Not yet’ is better than ‘no’, right?  _

_ … Right?  _

**~~~~**

Dean woke up the next morning so hard he could’ve sobbed. It only got worse when Cas’ scent drifted over him, all warm and inviting, and he remembered he wasn’t allowed to have him. 

He briefly considered jacking off right there in bed with Cas just to get his attention; but the fear of being rejected  _ again  _ had him getting up and heading for the bathroom. 

It didn’t take long for him to find release, but it was hollow, unsatisfactory… empty. He took a quick shower and brushed his teeth before crawling back into bed with Cas and moving as close to him as he dared. 

He was still sleeping, but Dean was happy his subconscious wasn’t the only one that wanted to be close. He cuddled into Dean and rolled him on his side to spoon him, and Dean went more willingly than he’d thought possible.

Curious, Dean wiggled his ass a little bit - just enough to confirm how close they were, which was apparently close enough to make contact. Feeling Cas’ length against him at all after so many months without it was worth it, even if it wouldn’t amount to more than that. 

Cas chuckled behind him and rutted into him, placing a kiss on the back of his neck. “Morning, Dean.” He rolled away onto his back and wiped his face.

_ Goddamnit.  _ He squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to let the rejection sting. “Mornin’, angel. Have I told you yet today that I love you?”

“No, you haven’t. I love you too, Dean. I always have and I always will.” Cas sat up and went into the bathroom, leaving Dean to marinate on that.

It was enough that Dean wondered if he’d even be able to get out of bed. The whole thing seemed ridiculous - they’d just admitted they loved each other, and clearly the sexual aspect was still there - at least for Dean.  _ So why the hell is this happening?  _

He felt heavy, like his limbs weren’t going to be ready to work properly if he tried to get up. Instead, he covered himself with the blanket and decided to stay right where he was. 

Cas came out a few moments later and crawled back into bed. “Should we talk about that, or wait until after our date?”

“Up to you, Cas. I’m just here, taking whatever scraps you’re willing to give like a damn junkyard dog.” He stayed facing away from Cas and laughed quietly, realizing the truth to his statement. “Maybe you shoulda gotten me a collar instead of my own set of handcuffs last Christmas.”

“Wow, Dean. I thought we were making progress but maybe not.” Cas got up and left the room, and Dean didn’t have it in him to follow him. 

He felt like he was being strung along, and Cas was a  _ master _ puppeteer. On some level, Dean knew this was going to be an uphill battle and he’d thought he’d prepared himself for it, and it took several minutes for him to realize he was being a child.  _ I didn’t even mean it in a bad way, why’d I have to say it at all?  _

Dean pushed himself out of the bed and pulled on a pair of sweats, but left his shirt off. He was hot from the mix of arousal, embarrassment, and sadness, and honestly didn’t care if Cas had a problem with it. But that train of thought caused him to get a little angry, so when he made his way out to the kitchen, he clenched his jaw. “Y’know, Cas… it’s funny. We keep talkin’ about how  _ I  _ need to change, and how  _ I  _ pulled away last time until you decided just to leave… Are we gonna talk about the fact that you take  _ everything  _ I say the wrong damn way? I’m scared to open my damn mouth half the time.” 

Cas continued preparing their coffee and then turned around. “I’m sorry I make you feel that way. That isn’t my intention, Dean. Explain what you did mean, then?” He crossed his arms and leaned against the table.

_ Shit. Too late, now.  _ “In this case? It was kinda two-fold. On one hand, I was serious. I’ll take  _ whatever  _ you want to give me,  _ whenever  _ you want to give it to me. You wanna talk about it now? We will. After our date? Cool. I’m not the one in charge here, Cas.” He took a step forward, cocking his head to the side and smirking slightly. “And second, I was tryna get you to picture me in a collar. Thought it might spark that bossy side of yours and you’d quit turnin’ me on and leaving. I did learn one thing from this, though.”

“Did you?” Cas uncrossed his arms and braced his hands against the counter. “What did you learn?”

Dean smiled a little sadly and huffed through his nose. “That I’m shit at seducing people. I guess I’ve lost my touch. For all my attempts, you don’t seem fazed at all... and that includes the time I was literally naked on your lap. Congrats, Cas.”  _ Guess you really have moved on. _

“That isn’t true. I’m struggling not to bend you over this table right now, Dean. I want you. I’ve wanted you since the day I left. I’m fighting it every moment of every day.” Cas exhaled and covered his eyes with his left hand.

_ Then fucking take me, Cas. Jesus, I’m dying over here.  _ “Do you wanna share with the class  _ why  _ you’re fighting it so much?”

“Um, sure. I don’t want to  _ just _ fuck you. I want us to work through these issues first, because I know once we fuck it’s over, and if we ruin this a second time...” Cas met his eyes with a pained expression.

Dean nodded, it made sense whether or not Dean liked it. “Okay, Cas. I’ll stop tryin’ until you tell me you’re ready. I promise.” He walked over, gently squeezing Cas’ arm on his way to the fridge. “Our date starts at 4, by the way.”

“You want more too, right? Not just sex?” Cas leaned against the fridge door, awaiting an answer.

_ Did you not notice the effect you callin’ me sweetheart had?  _ “Course I do, Cas. If I just wanted sex... I could get it a helluva lot easier elsewhere. I want you, all of you. And yeah, it’s been a while for me and it’s hard to be around you without wantin’ you to split my ass open... but I’d rather fix it and have all of you than just have sex and lose you again.”

“I feel the same. Maybe after our date we can... I don’t know...” He glanced at the ceiling. “Make out in your car.”

Dean’s face exploded in a grin. “As long as that doesn’t count as my goodnight kiss, I’m good with it.”

“It doesn’t count.” Cas chuckled. “I’m sorry you feel like you can’t talk to me.”

“It’s mostly me. I say stupid shit.” Dean fought the urge to kiss him right there and headed for the room. “I’m gonna go get ready.”

“Okay, I’ll make us breakfast sandwiches.” Cas turned back to the fridge to pull stuff out as Dean entered the bedroom.

The morning went pretty well after that, and Dean found himself uncharacteristically nervous when it was time to go on the actual date. He put on his best jeans and nicest flannel, doing his best to gel his hair. He walked out to find Cas in the living room, waiting. “Hey, handsome. You ready?” 

Cas looked him up and down with a smile and stood. “Yes. A little nervous though. Where are we going?”

“I’d rather surprise you, but if you want to know, I’ll tell you.” He licked his lips, wondering how the hell he ever landed someone as gorgeous as Cas in the first place. 

“No... surprise me, Dean. I trust you.” He walked over and kissed his cheek. “Those don’t count, remember?”

He blushed, moving slightly and then stopping. “Can I hug you?”

“Of course.” Cas wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in Dean’s neck. “You smell good.”

_ And you smell like home.  _ Dean held him tight, exhaling slow. “I lied, this is the date. Just six hours of this. Don't move.”

“I might have to take a break to eat later, but I think this is a great date.” Cas chuckled against his neck, and the warm rush of air made Dean shiver. 

“Nah, I think you’re really gonna like what I have planned. C’mon.” He reluctantly pulled back and they made their way out to the car. Dean opened Cas’ door for him and drove like a functional adult instead of a reckless teenager over to Cain’s Bee Farm. 

As he parked the car, he looked over at Cas and grinned. “You still like bees, right?”

Cas’ face answered his question, his eyes wide with excitement. “Dean! Yes.” He climbed out and waved for Dean to hurry. “Can we bring home some honey?”

“Course, Cas. God, I can’t wait to see you in this damn bee suit.” He followed quickly, introducing himself and Cas to Cain when they found him inside. He laughed as Cas immediately launched into a thousand questions and Cain just chuckled, holding up a hand. 

“It’s nice to meet you both. Dean has told me how… enthusiastic you are. Come on, let’s get you suited up and I’ll show you around.”

Dean tagged along, barely paying attention to the actual conversation but loving how engaged Cas seemed to be. He felt ridiculous in the beekeeper suit, but Cas looked so adorable Dean could barely stand it. 

After a bit, Cas was holding bees in his hand with a huge grin. “Dean, look! They accept me.”

Dean’s heart constricted so much it was almost painful, and he smiled widely. “Course they do, Cas. How could they not?”

He was uncomfortable being so close to thousands of creatures that could hurt him, and he suddenly became very interested in Cain’s description of the top bar hives to distract himself. 

“It’s the oldest hive design known to man. Best to stick to the tried and true, if you ask me.”

“I agree.” Cas stated and admired the hive. Dean could tell he didn’t want to leave, but when their tour was over, he was still glowing.

When they reached Baby, Cas pulled Dean in for a passionate kiss without warning. Dean returned it for all he was worth and broke it before things got out of hand. “Are… shit. Are you hungry now, or can we move to part two of this date?” 

“I have some ideas with this honey that are clouding my judgement. Let’s do part two.” Cas pulled him in for one more chaste kiss. “Thank you, Dean. I enjoyed that very much.”

Heat flooded through him and he cleared his throat, nodding like a bobble head. “Then just keep those ideas in your mind for after I fix this, okay? I don’t even need to know details to know that I’m a hundred percent on board with whatever it is.”

They got back into the car and Dean drove to the planetarium where they were doing a show called ‘Steller Swarms.’ It was basically just an excuse to look at the stars up close, but Dean couldn’t pass on the bee pun. He’d bought the tickets online, so when they pulled in, Dean knew they had a couple of minutes to spare. “So, I was thinking after this, we could go to this little diner that opened up across down. You’ll never believe this, but... they specialize in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

Cas laughed, harder than Dean had heard him in a very long time. “That sounds amazing.”

The planetarium show actually proved to be kinda cool, even for Dean, and he found himself repeatedly trying to hold Cas’ hand. None of his advances worked until the very end, when Cas initiated during an explosion of stars over their head. 

Dean felt lighter than he had in ages as they sat down at the diner, and they each ordered some ridiculous pb&j combination. Cas seemed to like his, but Dean’s was gross. 

He ate it, anyway. 

“Thank you so much for today, Dean. I loved every minute. Let’s find somewhere to park, I’d like to have another discussion before we make out like teenagers.”

Nodding, Dean paid for their dinner and drove out to a field where they could see the stars for real. He braced himself, knowing this conversation could be just about anything. He threw the car in park and licked his lips nervously, turning to face Cas. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

“I think we should stop with the one kiss a day thing. I think if we’re giving this a real shot, we should act as though we were just starting out. So yes, maybe not sex yet, but... I miss holding your hand and kissing you when I want, and if I’m reading things correctly, I think you do, too?”

It was the best news he’d gotten in a long time, and he nodded quickly, reaching over to take Cas’ hand. “I absolutely do. Couldn’t agree with you more, angel.”

Cas smiled at the pet name and kissed Dean’s hand. “Come on my lap, I... have to kiss you after this spectacular date.”

Not about to argue with that, Dean maneuvered himself so he was straddling Cas’ lap and brought his hands up to that glorious jaw. “Just tell me if I get carried away, okay?” He waited for the nod and leaned down, kissing him softly. 

They started slow, both still unsure of how this would go, but within seconds it was as easy as breathing. They kissed like they belonged together, and nothing would ever convince Dean otherwise.

Unfortunately, Dean might have been an adult, but going so long without another human touching him like this meant he had the self control of a teenager. He was hard quickly and grinding his ass into Cas’ crotch as he licked into his mouth. 

Cas was no better, he gripped Dean’s ass and spread him, rutting up into him so he could feel his entire hard length. “Sweetheart...” Cas pulled away. “Unbutton your pants.”


	3. Chapter 3

The command rocked through Dean’s body and he choked on air, leaning back to scramble with his too-tight jeans.  _ Fuck, fuck! Eight seconds from feeling Cas’ hands on me again and I can’t get my goddamn jeans off!  _

When the button finally released and he unzipped, Cas released a sinful growl and shook his head. “No... off... all the way off.”

Dean flipped off him and jerked at the fabric until the jeans were finally sliding off his body, his boxers close behind. He could barely breathe, sure it was a dream or Cas was going to come to his senses before he even climbed back on. 

Cas shoved his own pants down to his knees and waved impatiently at Dean. “Come here, sweetheart. Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”

The praise alone nearly had Dean coming undone. He scrambled back onto his lap, bringing their lips together with a whimper as he slid his hand down to join their cocks, knowing damn well he wouldn’t last long enough to get opened up. “Me? Cas, you’re a fucking work of art.”

Cas chuckled and reached between them. “Let me.” He moved Dean’s hand and wrapped his around them. “Kiss me. Touch me.”

“Fuck, thank you.” Dean didn’t currently have it in him to be embarrassed about saying thank you for that. He kissed Cas deeply, running his hands down Cas’ body and back up under his shirt, dying to feel bare skin. He rolled his hips, overwhelmed with how good it felt to have  _ that  _ hand on him again. 

Cas gripped his hip with one hand and sped up his hand. “Dean... I’m close. Your cock feels so good with mine.”

“Shit, can I come? Please, Cas...” Heat and need snaked down Dean’s spine and he shivered, leaning in to suck on Cas’ neck as he thrust into his hand, barely holding back his orgasm.

“Come for me, sweetheart... Dean!” Cas groaned and moved so he could watch them come together. 

Dean grunted with the force of his release as they emptied simultaneously, spurting come all over Cas’ hand and his shirt as his own body trembled and he let out a needy, whimpering moan. 

Cas tossed his head back and huffed a deep laugh. “You’re amazing. I... missed that... so much.” He lifted his head and leaned in for a kiss, which Dean met eagerly. 

_ Yeah, can’t do that with a chick, can ya, Cas?  _ He wasn’t stupid enough to say that out loud and risk ruining the moment. Instead, he peppered kisses along Cas’ jaw and buried his face in his neck, exhaling hard. “Think we came like teenagers, too.”

“Yeah, definitely did. I’m so sticky.” Cas lifted up his hand and licked it, visibly shuddering at the taste.

Dean’s spent cock twitched and he punched out a choked off moan, letting his eyes flutter closed. “Jesus Christ, Castiel. C’mon, let’s go home and get cleaned up. Can uh… can I cuddle with you tonight?”

“Yes, of course. I’d really like that, Dean.” Cas cleaned Dean with his shirt and shrugged. “I’m already dirty.”

Reluctantly, Dean slid off Cas’ lap and stared at his clothes on the floor, then clicked his tongue and decided just to drive home naked - trying to get those damn jeans back on would be a nightmare. “Shit, I don’t know about you… but I feel about eighty pounds lighter right now.”

“I feel better, too. The sexual tension between us has never suffered.” Cas reached over with his clean hand to interlock their fingers.

Dean got on the road headed home and licked his lips. “Yeah, maybe now that we’ve taken the edge off for a bit, we can work on the rest of it with clear heads? I don’t know about you, but my dick was doing most of the thinking for a while there.”

He chuckled. “I do know the feeling. But... I don’t regret it. It was a very successful date.”

“Course it was. Y’know, if I’m being honest, I’ve had that one planned pretty much since you left. It was my ‘if I ever get another shot at this’ date.” Dean smiled sheepishly at Cas as he drove, thankfully not far from home. The fact that he was naked from the waist down was starting to make him feel weird.

The expression on Cas’ face was a lot sadder than Dean expected or hoped for. “I’m sorry I left. I should have fought harder... and now...” He sighed and turned his head toward the window.

Suddenly, Dean wished he  _ had  _ put his pants back on, because his stomach was threatening to fall right out of his ass. “Now what, Cas?”

He didn’t respond. He stared out the window like a damn statue until they were parking in the driveway. “I fear I ruined any chance to have what we had before.”

“You’re right.  _ We  _ ruined that, but isn’t that a good thing? You’ve been beating it into my brain that what we had last time was shit. This is our shot to do better, y’know?”  _ Please don’t fucking pull back. Please. For fuck’s sake, Cas.  _ **_Please._ **

Cas looked over and handed him his pants. “It wasn’t shit, Dean. It was... better than the movies, and then one day we woke up and it was gone... we lost it, and I don’t want that to happen again. I...” Cas sat up and handed him his jeans. “Let’s go get cleaned up and comfortable.”

The words might have been intended to be comforting, but Dean had a terrible feeling in his gut that there was more going on in Cas’ mind than he was letting on. He nodded slowly, turning off the car and getting out with his pants covering his crotch. 

They made their way silently inside and Dean turned to him awkwardly, jerking his head toward the bathroom door. “Wanna shower together or do you wanna go first? You got it worse than I did.”

“No, you first. I kinda miss the stickiness in a weird way.” Cas walked over to wash his hands. “I’ll shower after.”

That sounded like a nice way of saying ‘no, I don’t want to shower with you,’ which only made Dean more uneasy.  _ Baby steps, it’s fine. We still made a lotta progress today.  _ He nodded and dropped his clothes, turning to give Cas a good view of his naked ass as he headed for the bathroom and showered quickly, knowing if he stayed in there too long, his insecurities would eat him alive. 

When Dean turned off the water and started to dry off, the smell hit him. He walked out in his towel and couldn’t help but smile at Cas cooking in his briefs.

“That was fast. I was hoping to be done and surprise you, but I had to take those clothes off.” Cas blushed. “I thought you might be hungry... the sandwich wasn’t enough to fill you.”

He relaxed almost instantly, realizing he’d been overreacting about Cas not wanting to shower with him. Dean walked over and planted a kiss to the back of Cas’ shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist. “You are absolutely the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re awesome, Cas.”

Cas slouched back into him with a sigh. “I like hearing those kinds of things, sweetheart. I like that you are saying your feelings more.”

“Yeah, well… I had a pretty rude wake-up call regarding what happens when I keep that kinda shit to myself.” Dean kissed the base of his neck and slid his hands up a little higher. “I can’t promise I’ll be perfect about it, but I’m tryin’, Cas.”

“I know.” Cas served his plate and then kissed his cheek. “My turn to shower. Be back in a few.”

Dean watched him go with a half smile and dug in, moaning quietly at how good that burger was. He had it finished and the dishes cleaned up by the time Cas came back out in pajamas, and Dean realized he was still just in a towel.  _ Okay, just compliment the hell out of him. Easiest thing I’ll ever have to do.  _ “You’re adorable. Seriously.”

Cas rolled his eyes but grinned. “Are you going to stay naked? Because we aren’t getting dirty again.” He chuckled at his joke, but it immediately crashed Dean’s mood. 

He shook his head, gallic shrugging and made his way to the bedroom to get dressed without saying anything.  _ Gettin’ fuckin’ whiplash over here.  _ Dean remembered a time when one look at a single square inch of Dean’s skin would have Cas bending him over, and now all he got was an eye roll and a lecture about being clean. He knew he needed to keep a cool head and just ride it out, every day seemed to be getting a little better, and he also tried to remind himself that he wasn’t just fighting to keep Cas - he was fighting to win him back from April. 

Fully dressed in loose sweats and a T-shirt, Dean made his way back out into the living room. “So, movie, or straight to bed? Your call, angel.”

“Um... I think I promised you cuddles. So, we can start cuddling here and then make our way to bed?” Cas held out his hands for Dean.

He crawled a little too willingly into Cas’ lap, straddling him whether or not that’s what he’d intended. Dean rested his head on Cas’ shoulder and exhaled, bracing most of his weight on his own knees.  _ Awesome, now I’m mentally  _ **_and_ ** _ physically being a giant baby. This’ll go over well.  _

Cas kissed his neck and smelled him with a hum. “I really enjoyed tonight, Dean.”

“So did I. Do you uh… d’you think we can go on another date soon?” 

“Yes. What about once a week? Or is that too often?”

Dean frowned, leaning back a little to look at Cas. “You’re only here for like two and a half more weeks, Cas. It’s not often enough, unless that’s all you’re willing to give… in which case, I’ll take it.”

“Am I? I didn’t notice the date.” Cas met his gaze. “I kind of stopped paying attention to that.”

_ Don’t get pushy, don’t get weird.  _ “You don’t have to. You can stay as long as you want, Cas. Preferably forever, but I know that’s probably a long shot.” He reached up, carding his fingers gently through Cas’ hair and pushing them back, rubbing the side of his head with his thumb. 

Cas closed his eyes to the touch and leaned into his hand. “I missed your rough hands in my hair.”

Dean kept moving slowly, smiling at the look on Cas’ face. “Trust me, angel. No one missed my hands on you more than me.”

“I don’t know about that.” He kept his eyes closed a while and then slowly opened them. “Was your burger okay?”

Grinning, Dean leaned in to kiss him. “It was as incredible as you are, Cas. Thank you for that. You were right… that damn sandwich didn’t do shit for me.”

“I know. But thank you for indulging me. I still prefer your surprise homemade PB&J’s to the diner’s.”

Dean smirked and leaned in to kiss his cheek, since those didn’t count. “Course you do, I’m awesome. But you’re welcome, Cas. I think I used to ignore your likes and dislikes a lot, and I don’t wanna do that anymore. Y’know I actually looked into indoor beekeeping? I saw this thing about a hive you can hang on your wall that has this little hose thing that leads out the window for them to come and go. I almost had one installed, but I’d never friggin sleep with a thousand bees in my house.”

“I love the thought, but it’s okay. Maybe I should just quit the force and go work with Cain.” Cas laughed at himself and shook his head. “If only things were that simple.”

That piqued Dean’s interest in several ways. “Why can’t it be? Fuck, do you know how many nights I’ve lost sleep since you left cause I never stopped worrying about you?” 

“I’m sorry you worried. The new precinct I moved to is in a pretty bad neighborhood, but I actually made friends with some of the younger troublemakers.”

Knowing it was in a bad neighborhood only made things worse, but Dean chuckled anyway. “Of course you did. I bet they love you.” He paused, licking his bottom lip and flicking his eyes between Cas’. “I sure do.” 

“I love you, too. I... also worried about you. Every day. I was certain you weren’t eating any vegetables.”

Dean threw his head back and laughed so loudly it echoed off the walls, then climbed off Cas’ lap. “You’re damn right I wasn’t eating any vegetables. I’m a warrior, Cas. I can’t eat rabbit food.” He held out his hand with a twinkle in his eye and a smile that ran for days. “C’mon, let’s go to bed.”

“Let’s.” Cas took his hand and let him lead the way. He instantly cuddled up to Dean with a smile. “Doesn’t it all feel so familiar?”

_ That’s one way to put it.  _ He wrapped his arms tight around Cas and kissed his forehead, closing his eyes at the feeling of warmth spreading through his chest. “Yeah. Feels like home.”

**~~~~**

Waking up in Cas’ arms felt like a dream. Dean had been waiting so, so long to have him like this again that he was afraid to even move. But nature was calling in a big way, so Dean planted another kiss to Cas’ head and slowly slid out of the bed, making his way as quietly as possible to the bathroom. 

After taking care of things, he tiptoed back into the bedroom to check if Cas was still asleep, and caught him staring up at the ceiling with a small smile. “Good morning, Dean.” He sat up with his hair on end and adjusted his morning wood. “Excuse me.”

Dean practically salivated just looking at him, and made his way carefully back to the bed. “Would it be inappropriate of me to suck you off right now?”

Cas released a pained laugh as he disappeared into the bathroom. Before Dean could really start to worry, Cas was walking back towards the bed with a look that gave Dean his answer before he spoke. “Only if I can suck you off first.”

“Fuck, yeah. Shit.” Dean shimmied his pajama pants off so quickly he nearly toppled over, but grabbed the edge of the mattress in time to catch himself. He laughed at his own impatience and moved slower as he situated himself back on the bed, cock in hand. “Suck me off then fuck my face.”

Cas growled and loomed over Dean, kissing feverishly down his body towards his cock. The second his tongue lapped at the tip, Dean came a little unglued. As long as he lived, he’d never find another human being with a mouth as good as Cas’. 

He fisted his hand in Cas’ hair and tugged, knowing it would egg him on. Part of Dean wanted to suggest something different; he wanted Cas inside of him again so badly he was dizzy with it - but he once again reminded himself to take what he was offered and be happy about it. “Fuck, Cas. You look so goddamn good down there.”

Cas moaned and pulled off, stroking him with his hand. “You taste as good as I remember. I missed this so much.” He dove back in, reminding Dean just how much he loved sucking dick.

It was too damn much. The words, the feeling of Cas’ tongue sliding up and down his shaft, the sight of Cas between his legs. Dean grunted, gripping the sheet at his side tightly and thrusting up, trying to slow Cas down by using his hair. “Goddamnit, you’re so fucking good at that. Gonna come, angel.”

Cas made a  _ mmm _ noise and slid him down his throat, patiently awaiting every drop. That was as good as permission for Dean, who arched off the bed and moaned Cas’ name as he came, bucking up into his mouth and burying himself deep.

He swallowed every drop with his eyes glued to Dean’s face, pinning him to the spot. Dean shivered, pulling Cas up and licking the taste of himself right off of Cas’ tongue. “Use me, Cas. Fuck my face so hard I choke on it.”

Cas stood up, revealing his tented guinea pig pajama pants and shoved them down. “I love when you talk like that.” He reached out and gripped Dean’s hair and growled. “Knees.”

A wave of straight desire raced through Dean as he hurried to oblige, settling himself on his knees and opening his mouth for Cas. He could already feel his own length trying to stir in response, and wondered how much it would turn Cas on if he got off again. 

Cas teased Dean with the head of his cock, smearing the bead of precome across his lips with his own pulled between his teeth.

Dean knew better than to move more than a slight shift of his tongue. He held steady, his mouth open wide and green eyes pleading up at Cas as he reached down to trace his thumb over his spent cock. 

Smirking, Cas thrusted inside, the flame in his eyes igniting the second the underside of his cock touched the back of Dean’s throat. He groaned, “Relax that throat, sweetheart.”

He did, working the muscles to make them loosen up and let Cas in. Dean had nearly forgotten how thick Cas really was, and the stretch had him fisting his own cock and stroking slowly. 

“Are you touching yourself, baby? Mmmm... you know I love when you touch yourself with my cock in your throat.” Cas found a slow but sure pace. “Did you miss my cock? Show me how much you missed it.”

In reality, Dean missed a lot of things, but  _ especially  _ when Cas got dirty like that. He pressed forward, taking him deeper until Dean’s throat was spasming around the intrusion. He backed off after a moment, stroking and sucking him messily as he hardened fully in his other hand and moaned deeply.  _ C’mon, angel. Keep goin’. _

Cas pulled harder on his hair and thrusted deeper, fucking into Dean’s face as he chased his release. “Ah fuck, sweetheart... I’m so close. I can still taste you on my tongue. You’re gonna let me come all over your face and then lick up every fucking dr-“ Cas pulled his cock out quickly and started stroking himself roughly, finally coating Dean’s tongue and chin with come as he released a gravelly groan.

Gasping for air, Dean tried to catch as much of it as he could as the feeling of hot come covering his face sent him over the edge a second time and he emptied into his fist. He leaned in with a needy whine to take Cas’ cock back in his mouth, not wanting to waste a drop. 

Cas stroked his face lovingly as he stared down at him. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Dean. You’re still so good for me.”

The praise made tears prick at the corners of Dean’s eyes, and he pulled back, knowing what a sight he must make. “Always, Cas. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t show it before.”

“You did.” Cas kneeled down and kissed him softly. “You did... we just lost it over time. Let’s not lose it this time.”

That sounded an awful lot like Cas was going to stay, and the relief that flooded through him nearly broke him. He clutched onto Cas and kissed him again, heaving a shuddering breath and letting out a laugh. “Yeah, scouts honor. I’ll be good.”

“I will, too. Tell me how I can be better. I feel like all this time it’s been about me and I’m sorry. I hurt you, too.”

Dean shook his head quickly and wiped his chin with the back of his hand. “Nah, you said it yourself, Cas. You only left cause I was a fuckin’ wall. Everything you did was in response to shit I was… or hell, I guess  _ wasn’t  _ doing.”

“I could have tried harder. I could have used my words. There were so many days I cried and never once communicated it to you. I should have fought for you.” Cas closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Dean’s.

He’d never known Cas had cried, and the knowledge made him hate himself. But Cas was there, and he was staying, and he’d have the rest of their lives to make it up to him. “S’okay, Cas. I’ll fight hard enough for both of us now.” He huffed a quiet laugh through his nose and tilted his head to kiss Cas’ cheek. “Let’s not get all sad and shit, okay? We’re gonna be okay now. Why don’t you go start some coffee? I’d do it myself, but uh... I’m kinda covered in jizz. I’m gonna get cleaned up and I’ll make you some pancakes.”

“I kinda like you covered in jizz.” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand and licked some come off his finger. “But you should get clean so we can have breakfast and then cuddle more.”

Dean smiled so genuinely it hurt. “Goddamnit, I love you. Okay, I’ll make it quick.” He kissed Cas again and stood, making his way back to the bathroom. 

Breakfast was amazing and they ended up napping on the couch together after, all tangled limbs and soft kisses until they finally drifted off. Most of the day was wasted that way, but Dean didn’t see it as a waste at all. He’d have stayed there for the rest of his life if reality would allow such a thing, but sadly, it didn’t. 

When his stomach began growling around dinner time, they agreed to order Chinese food instead of cooking. It wasn’t as good as whatever Cas would’ve made, but it was easy and filling, and they ended up right back on the couch with Cas laying with his head in Dean’s lap as they watched a movie.

He barely paid attention to it. He was occupied with running his fingers through Cas’ hair and admiring the curves and hard lines of his body - nothing coming out of that television could be more important than his husband. 

Cas hummed and nuzzled even closer. “There’s those hands... feels good, Dean.”

“Bet my rough hands feel a lot better than April’s soft ones, huh?” He grinned, tracing the callused pad of his palm down the line of stubble on Cas’ cheek. 

Cas tensed and pulled away. “I wish you’d stop bringing her up, Dean. Do you really want to know what her hands were like? Do you really want to know what  _ she _ is like?”

_ Well, I didn’t… but now I kinda do. What the hell does this girl have that I don’t besides the body parts?  _ In a foolish move, Dean let his insecurities and defensiveness speak. “Yeah, Cas. I do. I wanna know about the girl that  _ almost  _ took you away from me.” 

The anger was apparent, but he didn’t expect Cas to really take the bait. “Fine. She is a psychologist that works at my precinct, specializing in both communication and trauma. She listened to me... really listened to me, and helped tremendously after I was sure I’d never love again. Her hands were small and soft and could hardly fit around my girth, but that didn't stop her from trying. The point was... she tried and she communicated. She was what I needed to heal and she is the reason I am here because even she knows I still love  _ you!” _ His phone rang suddenly and Cas flinched at the noise. Dean never expected him to answer it in a million years, but he did. “Speaking of  _ soft hands, _ excuse me.” He turned away and walked inside the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Dean sat in stunned silence for several moments, wondering how the hell one simple, stupid question just set them back that far.  _ What did he mean, ‘she’s the reason why I’m here’? Did she tell him to come? Did he not want to? Did they turn the damn tables on me and this is some experiment to make sure  _ **_their_ ** _ relationship is strong? I thought he wasn’t fucking talking to her this month? Is she a fucking psychic, too, and knew we were talking about her? Why the hell did he pick up, and why can’t he have this conversation in front of me? _

He had a million questions and no answer other than the pang of regret and shame bubbling under the surface of his skin.  _ She was what he needed… not me. And I pulled him away from her. Even separated, I’m still the most selfish asshole in the world. I knew he was happy with her and I dangled those goddamn papers in his face. Of course he didn’t come here cause he wanted to make it work… I didn’t give him a fucking choice.  _

Cas’ voice was muffled through the door, and Dean had a feeling he wouldn’t be coming back out for a while, so he grabbed the throw pillows and the single blanket they had out in the living room and set up the couch. 

_ No, I gotta believe we’re making progress. He still loves me. So what if he didn’t come here of his own free will? He hasn’t mentioned the papers or the divorce  _ **_once_ ** _ since he got here. That has to count for somethin’, right?  _

But as he laid there and tried to fall asleep, he wasn’t so sure. Maybe this was Cas’ way of getting Dean out of his system once and for all, and the moments they’d shared meant nothing more than a means to an end. 

He waited until long after he stopped being able to hear Cas’ voice, but Cas never came back out, and Dean took that as a sign that he wasn’t welcome in his own bedroom. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, wondering if he shouldn’t just sign the damn papers and set Cas free. 

_ No. I just got done saying I’d fight hard enough for both of us, so fine. I’ll give him his space tonight, and in the morning… I  _ **_will_ ** _ fight hard enough for both of us.  _

**~~~~**

_ “Put your hands in the air!”  _

_ The man didn’t listen, he reached behind him to something hidden in his waistband, causing Cas to pull the hammer back on his gun as fear and adrenaline spiked through his body.  _

_ “Drop your weapon!” _

_ He watched as the man raised his arms and pointed his gun directly at Cas, steel and fury in his eyes.  _ **_Two warnings, where the hell is my partner!_ **

_ Unflinching, the man he’d been chasing for months took a step forward.  _

_ “Last chance, put the gun down  _ **_now!”_ **

_ When the man cocked his gun, Cas took his shot. The bullet smacked into his chest and - and -  _ **_he’s still mov- he’s gonna shoo-_ **

_ BANG! _

Dean woke with a yell, sweat coating his entire body and making him shiver from the coolness of the room. He’d had that dream a thousand times since the day he got the call that his best friend in the world had been shot in the line of duty. It varied a little each time, since Dean wasn’t there and only got the secondhand knowledge of the story. 

Some gang banger Cas had been after for months finally slipped up and got himself caught, and Cas had been stupid enough to approach him without backup. Cas went for the killshot, but the guy had been wearing a bulletproof vest - something Cas hadn’t had time to put on when the tip came in.

That bullet caused so much internal damage that by all rights, Cas should’ve died long before even getting to the hospital… but he’d always been a fighter. He’d managed to hang in there until a team of surgeons could stitch his insides back together, and Dean learned the hard way that day how much Cas truly meant to him. 

He blinked back the tears that threatened to overtake him at the memory of that day and laid back down, still shaking. Dean had all but forgotten he wasn’t alone, until Cas pulled him in, holding him flush against his chest. “Just a bad dream, Dean. You’re okay.” He gently rubbed Dean’s head to help calm him.

It had been four damn days since Cas had touched him with anything close to affection, and Dean nearly couldn’t handle it. He buried his nose against Cas’ skin and cuddled closer, reminding himself that Cas  _ had  _ survived, he was okay, he was  _ here.  _

For now. 

“I know, I know. M’okay, Cas.”

“Was it the same one?” Cas asked, still stroking Dean’s hair.

He nodded a little, swallowing and exhaling hard. “Yeah. Cut off this time when he pulled the trigger, though… so that’s a nice change. Usually I gotta watch you bleed out before I wake up.”

Cas sighed and kissed his head. “I didn’t know you still had it. Did you... have it while I was gone?”

“Three or four times a week, yeah. The hell do you think I drank so much for? Cause I had no idea if you even told them we were married. You coulda died, and I wouldn’t have even been told.” Dean squeezed his eyes shut and held Cas a little tighter. “Told you I never quit worryin’ about you. M’sorry I woke you up.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry those dreams still bother you.” They sat in silence a few moments before Cas spoke again. “I did tell them, actually... you’re still my emergency contact.”

He smiled in spite of himself and tilted his head up to kiss Cas’ jaw. “Good, cause you know I’m gonna get my revenge on anyone that hurts you.”

“Don’t talk like that. I don’t want anything happening to you.” Cas sighed. “I’m sorry we had a rough couple of days. Let’s try to get back to where we were.”

Dean huffed, indignant that Cas thought he couldn’t handle himself. But then again, if whoever it was managed to get the drop on Cas, maybe he couldn’t. “No goin’ back, angel. Only forward. We’re allowed to have bad days, y’know? I think that’s where we went wrong last time. We took the bad days so goddamn seriously.”

Cas looked like he contemplated that a few moments and then smiled softly. “You’re right... we did. We’re humans, and humans have bad days.”

“And bad days don’t mean we care about each other any less, they’re just… bad friggin days.” He paused, doing some mental math in his head. “Just wish it wouldn’t have lasted so long, y’know? We’re runnin’ outta time. We’ve only got like a week and a half left.”

Cas tensed under him and laid his head back. His hand was no longer moving but he didn’t move away. “I didn’t realize.”

_ Maybe only a week and a half period, if I can’t find a way to break this goddamn wall of his down again.  _ Something seized up in his chest and he pulled back slightly, trying to catch Cas’ eye. “Will you kiss me?”

“Of course.” Cas helped maneuver them so Dean was practically in his lap and leaned in to kiss him gently.

It felt so damn good after the days of strain between them that Dean didn’t even try to take advantage of it. He kept it slow and sweet, nipping softly at Cas’ bottom lip. 

Cas smiled and pressed their lips together harder, his hands sliding down Dean’s back to the top of his ass - but unfortunately, he stopped there.

Dean pulled back enough to drop his head to Cas’ shoulder. “Gonna be honest, angel. I want you inside of me real bad right about now.”

Cas chuckled and shifted slightly. “I want that too, sweetheart. But I have an idea first... before I came back here, I looked up exercises on how to save a marriage. Do you think we can try some?”

He groaned quietly, moving off Cas to hide his erection. “Yeah, course, Cas. I’m all for anything that’ll help at this point.” His phone buzzed from his nightstand and he glanced over at it, squinting. “Who the…” he picked it up, swearing under his breath when he saw the caller ID. “Cas, yes, we absolutely can… but I gotta take this, so hang on.” He answered, laying back in the bed. “You have shit timing, someone better be dead.”

“I thought  _ you _ were dead, D! What the hell! Can’t even text someone to say you’re alive?”

Cas got up from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom and Dean deflated, putting a hand over his eyes. “I’m not dead, ya dick. Sorry I went radio silent, I uh… well, I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just gonna say it. Cas moved back in a couple weeks ago.”

Jask scoffed. “Are you fucking kidding me? Why? He finally came to his damn senses?” 

Cas came out a moment later and climbed back into bed, and Dean rolled closer to him to show he wanted him to stay. “Not exactly, J. I kinda… shit. I bullied him into it, pretty much. Told him I wouldn’t sign the divorce papers unless he moved back in for a month and gave me a shot to fix it.”

Jask was quiet for a moment and then sighed. “D... you know shit like that  _ never _ works.” Dean could hear the pity in his voice and hated it, but it wasn’t about to deter him. 

“Look, I don’t give a shit what works and doesn’t work for other people. Me and Cas aren’t other people, and… fuck off, I didn’t ask your opinion anyway,” he muttered, but immediately felt bad about it. “How’s Ares?”

Dean could practically hear his eyes roll. “I’m just worried about you okay. Ares is fine, he moved in last week after a fight with his landlord.”

“Oh, so you guys move in together after like a month and that’s supposed to work out, but me fixing my marriage won’t? You’re a trip, J.” Dean told Jask to hang on for a moment and tilted the mouthpiece away from his face as he looked at Cas. “Feel free to say no, but d’you think we should invite them over? See how we do around another couple?”

Cas nodded in agreement but didn’t speak, and Jask scoffed a laugh at his comment. “Yeah, it’s fast, I know that. But it’s different because I didn’t force him to move in, it just kinda happened. I couldn’t have him on the streets, D.”

“Adorable, honestly. Why don’t you guys swing by tonight? We’ll have some burgers and seriously awkward silences, it’ll be great.”

Both Jask and Cas laughed at that. “Alright then, we will. I’ll bring beer.”

“Roger that.” Dean hung up and tossed his phone off the bed, rolling to hover over Cas. “Got any ground rules for our little play date?”

“No. Just openness. If something isn’t working for one of us, we should voice it. Is Jask not happy we’re trying to work it out?”

Dean hesitated, but decided to tell the truth. “I don’t know. Probably not, I mean… he was there for me when you left. It wasn’t pretty, Cas. I think he’s just afraid of what’s gonna happen if you still decide you want me gone when this is over.”  _ So am I.  _

Cas nodded and opened his arms for Dean. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s easy to think I was okay because I was the one that left, but I wasn’t. I promise.”

He settled into them easily and licked Cas’ neck, then planted a soft kiss to the wet spot his tongue had left. “That doesn’t make me feel better. I know I’m not supposed to bring her up, but I’m glad you had her.”

“Do you want to know how that happened?” Cas sounded much calmer this time, so Dean nodded. “She was just a friend and I needed someone to talk to. She asked me out a few months ago and I only said yes because I thought it would help me get over you.”

Dean wasn’t as comforted by that as he hoped, but at least they were talking about it. “And? Did it work… are you over me?”

“Yes... there were a few moments where I was over you. But... not so much anymore. I’m falling for you all over again.”

The words made Dean smirk, and he leaned back in to suck a light bruise on Cas’ neck. “I knew I’d win you over. Didn’t even need to use my ass this time.”

Cas huffed a laugh and pulled on Dean’s hair softly. “Don’t get cocky, yet. We still have a lot of work to do, Dean.”

“That’s where my ass comes in.” He grinned and wiggled a little bit, leaning into Cas’ hand. “Harder, Cas.”

Cas obliged and pulled back harder, leaning in to kiss him quickly. “Then I should stay out of there to keep a level head.”

Dean let out a quiet noise too close to a whine and slid his hand down Cas’ body. “Least let me blow you then, before Jask and Ares get here. Miss your cock, Cas.”

Cas looked like he might say no, but then nodded. “Okay, Dean. I miss yours, too.”

He fought an eye roll at how unenthusiastic that seemed and nearly backed off, but with only a week and a half to go, he wasn’t going to miss a single opportunity to have Cas’ cock in, on, or around his body. Dean disappeared under the covers, licking and biting a line down Cas’ torso until he was unsuccessfully trying to remove his boxers with his teeth. 

The blanket certainly wasn’t helping, so Dean gave up trying to be seductive and just used his hands to shuck the fabric down and reveal his prize. He flicked his tongue over the head and placed a wet kiss to the tip, hoping to elicit at least a  _ little  _ bit of excitement out of his husband. 

Cas squirmed underneath him and bit his lip, giving Dean the encouragement he needed. “I missed your mouth too, sweetheart.”

Too soon and not soon enough, Cas was tugging hard on Dean’s hair as he emptied into this throat. Dean greedily swallowed him down and stayed put, wanting to feel Cas soften in his mouth. 

Dean pouted when Cas pulled him off but was instantly flipped onto his back. “My turn.”

_ Rather you fuck me than blow me, but I’ll take what I can get.  _ Dean spread his legs after ditching his pajama pants and gripped his cock, biting his lip and looking at Cas with hooded eyes. “You want me, baby?”

“Yes. I want all of you.” Cas hovered over him and wrapped his hand around Dean’s cock, stroking while looking into his eyes. “I want to bend you over and open you painfully slowly while you drip all over the sheets. Then I want to slide inside in one swift movement so I can pound into your prostate.”

He choked out a laugh - he’d almost forgotten how weirdly hot it was when Cas got technical like that. “So do it, fuck… fuck me, Cas. Please.” Dean squirmed, bucking up into Cas’ hand and bowing his legs out further in invitation. “Prove it.”

“Dean, I...” Cas dropped down and started sucking him off, cutting off anything they were about to say with his sinful mouth.

Knowing he wasn’t going to get what he wanted anytime soon had him bringing his legs back together, gently trapping Cas’ head between them. Dean moaned, his back arching and toes curling as Cas sucked the soul right from his body and devoured every drop of come that leaked from him. 

_ Holy shit.  _ Dean went boneless against the mattress as Cas pulled off with a pop, chuckling at what a mess Dean was. Dean covered his face with his hands and exhaled hard, barely containing a grin. “Yeah, okay. Might notta been the point I was tryna get you to prove, but… you proved your point.”

  
  


**~~~~**

The comedown was nice, but Dean’s insecurities were hovering just at the edge of his periphery and he knew he wouldn’t be able to fight them for long. Over and over again, he presented himself, offered himself to Cas… and Cas didn’t seem to want him.  _ Even if he stays… is he ever gonna want me like he used to? _

Rolling into his side, he faced away from Cas and tugged the blanket up to his shoulders. He’d slept like shit thanks to that nightmare and the orgasm - while not quite what he’d been after - made him sleepy. “Gonna take a nap. You’re uh… welcome to join me, if not… just wake me up before they get here.”

“Okay, Dean.” Cas got up and left the room, leaving Dean to wrap the blanket around himself a little tighter. 

_ C’mon, Dean. Since when are you a needy fuckin’ baby after sex? Or… not sex? Get your shit together. Cryin’ about it isn’t gonna make him want you.  _ He closed his eyes after his self-admonishment, but couldn’t get comfortable enough to fall back asleep. 

Cas returned a few moments later with his coffee mug and climbed back into bed. “You’re still up... want to lay on my lap?”

“Really?” Dean asked hopefully, rolling over and scooting closer to Cas until he was able to lay his head down on those muscular thighs. “Been awhile since you’ve let me fall asleep like this. Long while.”

“Too long.” Cas whispered and took a sip of hot coffee. “These are the things we lost along the way, Dean.”

It was arguably his favorite spot on Earth, and Dean found himself quickly slipping into unconsciousness. “You gonna play with my hair?”

Cas chuckled and Dean felt his hand run through his hair softly. It felt so incredibly good that in that moment, suspended somewhere between sleep and reality, he would have given up sex for the rest of their lives if it meant he could stay just like that. 

“Fuck, Cas. I love you so goddamn much,” he mumbled out, barely audible. 

“Shhh. I love you too, sweetheart. Get some rest.” Cas continued playing with his hair, and Dean fell asleep quickly, the nightmare long forgotten. 

When he finally woke up, Cas was already coming out of the shower in his towel. “Good morning. Let me get you some coffee.” He rushed out of the room before Dean could respond.

“Okay...” Dean sat up, rubbing his eyes. “That was weird.” He pushed himself out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, taking the fastest shower of his life, getting dressed, then heading out to the kitchen. “You left in a hurry.”

Cas was walking back with the mug when they nearly bumped into each other. “Oh, I was hoping to time that better so you’d have coffee right when you woke, but I took a shower. Here.” He handed Dean the mug. “Did you sleep okay?”

He took a sip and nodded, leaning back against the counter. “Much better than last night, yeah. Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome. I’m going to go dress. Can’t be in a towel when guests arrive.” He chuckled and disappeared into the room.

Dean begged to differ - if it was up to him, Cas would never wear anything  _ but  _ a towel. He downed his coffee while Cas was gone, and by the time he came back, Dean's insecurities were picking at him again. "So, still no interest in fuckin' me, huh?"

Cas stood straighter with an unreadable expression. “Dean. Not right now.” He walked past him and went to grab some water. “Why would you ask this right now, knowing we have guests coming any minute?”

"Cause I guess I didn't realize it involved a long explanation, or something that would somehow affect the fact that people were coming over." Dean felt even more uneasy about it, especially because of the change in Cas' body language. "Gettin' whiplash over here, Cas." 

Before he could say a word, Jask knocked on the door. Dean sighed, shaking his head and heading over to open it for him. "Morningstar! And... Mrs. Morningstar... sorry, don't have a damn clue what your last name is. Beautiful timing, as always." He stepped back, extending his arm to welcome them inside with pursed lips. "Come on in, the water's fine."

“Brought the beer, looks like you could use one, D.” Jask made his way inside with a thirty pack in hand. “Hey, Cas. Long time, no see.” 

“Hello, Jaskier and... I’m sorry, we haven’t met. Ares? I’m Cas.” He walked over to shake his hand.

Ares shook it and pointed at his neck, making Cas move a little toward Dean. “Nice hickey.” 

Dean grinned proudly at it, unashamed in the slightest. “Looks good on him, doesn’t it? Fuck, I sure enjoyed puttin’ it there.” He walked over to lightly run his fingers over it. “Little on the light side, though… guess I’ll have to bite harder next time.”

Cas blushed slightly and huffed a laugh as he tapped Dean’s ass. “Don’t bite unless you want to get bit.”

Ares laughed, but Jask didn’t find it funny - probably because he hadn’t forgiven him for leaving.

“Not a good argument, Cas, you know how hard I get off when you bite me.” He smirked, skirting around Cas to grab a beer for himself. “Make yourselves at home, guys.”

A moment later, Jask was opening his own drink and knocking it against Dean’s. “So, how long have you two been... doing whatever this is?”

Dean shrugged, pulling a sip of beer between his teeth. “Almost three weeks.”

“When you showed up that one day it looked bad. Glad you guys worked through that.” Ares smiled genuinely but he wasn’t around back then to know how bad it really was. 

Cas grabbed a beer and went to sit on the couch. “It hasn’t been easy. But we’re trying.”

Jask nodded a little, still not smiling. “Are you? Are you  _ both  _ trying, or is  _ Dean _ trying?”

“J, c’mon. Don’t be like that. He’s here, okay? He’s tryin’, too,” Dean said.  _ Kinda, anyway. Sometimes.  _

Cas didn’t respond, he just looked down at his beer when Ares bumped Jask.

It was more awkward than Dean had seen coming, so he sighed and chugged the rest of his beer before grabbing another one. “Okay, so bullshittin’ seems to be outta the question. You guys wanna watch a movie?”

Cas nodded and finished off his beer, too. When he went to the fridge, Ares whispered, “be nice,” in Jask’s ear. 

J sat back and shrugged. “Whatever, we should play a drinking game or something.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a  _ horrible  _ idea, J.” Dean shook his head, glancing over at the uncomfortable look on Cas’ face. “For starters, he’s still a cop, which means if you guys have too many more of those, you’re sleeping here. And second, I’m tryin’ my hand at  _ not  _ gettin’ drunk this month.”

That didn’t seem to sit well with his best friend. “He put you up to that, huh? And what’s he gonna do, arrest me? Not his jurisdiction anymore. He  _ left,  _ remember?”

Dean nodded, convincing himself to keep his cool. “Yeah, he did, cause I was a shit husband. I’m trying to be better, Jaskier. If you’ve got a problem with that…” He tipped his head toward the door and leaned forward, picking up the remote. “Then maybe we should do this another time.”

Cas released an exasperated sigh. “This is ridiculous. Yes, I left, Jask. But that is  _ our _ business. We’ve spoken about it extensively over these weeks and we are both trying. Dean needs you to be a friend right now, not a bodyguard.”

_ This is going fucking horribly.  _ “Look,” Dean cut in, before Jask could answer. “Ultimately, I don’t know what’s gonna happen. He’s only here for a little over a week, and maybe at the end of that, we’ll still be getting divorced. Or maybe we won’t, but either way… that’s a decision that’s mine and Cas’ to make. You can get as shitty about it as you want… but honestly, J, you just sound like an ass.”

Jask’s face told Dean he thought he had every right to react the way he was, and he wasn’t wrong. Dean had leaned heavily on him when Cas had walked out, and Jask had dealt with a  _ lot  _ of heavy shit from Dean in the process. He shook his head, looking back and forth between Dean and Cas. “Fine. Movie it is, I’ll shut my damn mouth and play nice.”

Ares was quiet the entire conversation, and Dean was thankful. The air around them was tense, so Dean threw in a comedy - hoping to thaw the ice a little. 

J and Cas may not be looking at each other, but at least Dean saw them smiling at the TV during a couple of funny parts. The idea of them never getting along hurt, but he held onto hope that they would eventually get over it. Maybe if Cas actually stuck around and Jask realized he loved Dean as much as Dean loved him, he’d lighten up. 

Dean laughed a little louder than necessary during his favorite part and scooted a little closer to Cas, happy when he wrapped an arm around his back and kissed his cheek. “Want another beer?” Cas whispered in his ear.

As tempting as that sounded, Dean truly was trying to be better. “Nah, m’okay. Do you want another one?”

“Yes. Are you sure? I’m getting up.” Cas ran his fingers through his hair lovingly and leaned in for a kiss.

He happily obliged, then shifted to give Cas space to move. Dean glanced over at Jask and Ares, who were snuggled close together and barely paying attention at all to the movie. They looked happy, close, content. Things he and Cas had been struggling with for weeks… years, even. They had their moments, but somewhere along the way they’d lost the simplicity.

Cas was back in seconds, handing Dean another beer and sipping his own. He smiled over at Ares and Jask, like maybe he was thinking something similar before he turned back toward the movie.

When it was over, Dean set down his empty beer bottle and clicked the television off. “Did you two pay any attention at all to that movie?”

Jask shook his head, kissing Ares again. “Sorry, had something better to focus on.” 

Ares chuckled and tugged on his hair. “He tends to forget we’re in public easily.” 

“I remember those days.” Cas looked down with a sad expression on his face. “Hold onto that as long as you can. Excuse me.” He got up and disappeared into the bedroom. 

As hard as he tried to stop himself, Dean’s mind wandered to April.  _ Does he have that with her? Do they go to friends’ houses and pay more attention to each other?  _ Not for the first time, Dean regretted making Cas move back in. If Cas was genuinely only doing this to get Dean to sign the papers, Dean could be doing irrevocable damage to an otherwise good relationship.  _ All cause I was too stupid to realize what I had when I had it.  _

Jask ran his fingers lightly through Ares’ hair and looked at Dean. “You guys will figure it out, one way or the other.”

Ares leaned forward slightly, “I can tell he still loves you. I personally think this was a good idea.”

“You think everything is a good idea,” Jask said, smiling. 

Dean nodded a little and leaned back against the sofa, running his hands over his thighs to dry his sweaty palms. “Hope you guys are right. I love him so much it’s fucking stupid, but I think I keep fucking it up. Maybe he’s better off if I just sign the damn papers and let him go be happy.”

“Don’t quit now.” Ares looked genuinely sad for him. “He’s here. That counts for something. He’s a cop right? He easily could have told you to fuck off and got the law involved. Instead he came... and stayed.”

Cas came out then and sat next to Dean. “I agree with Ares.” He smiled over and took Dean’s hand. “I’m here.”

Dean brought Cas’ hand up to his lips and kissed it gently, closing his eyes. There was a question in his mind begging to come out, but he knew that wasn’t the right time. “Do you think tomorrow we can play some of those communication games you were tellin’ me about?”

“Absolutely. I have two I was hoping we could try.” 

Ares spoke up again. “What kind of communication games?” 

“There are a lot of them, but I wanted to try some that would already work with things we used to do together. One is... a little awkward. We sit and basically stare at each other for five minutes without speaking and then we talk about what we saw and felt. Then there’s also a sparring exercise I’d like to try. Dean used to be my sparring partner multiple times a week before... things changed. Whoever lands a blow, or pins the other, gets to ask a question. Truth or dare style, without the dare.”

The prospect of Cas pinning him down had him fully on board with that plan - which, he immediately realized - shouldn’t have been his first reaction. He smiled lightly and kissed his hand again. “You mean to tell me I get to stare into the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen for a full five minutes and have it not be creepy? Count me in.” 


	4. Chapter 4

During breakfast, Dean was nervous to say the least. The communication games sounded like a great idea, especially if it gave them a safe platform to talk about the things they didn’t normally feel comfortable talking about - but Dean couldn’t shake the feeling he’d find some way to screw that up, too. 

It seemed like every time they made progress, Dean’s mouth or actions ruined the moment and they were pushed back.  _ I really am the problem here. I always have been. It’s not Cas’ fault he didn’t have it in him to fight for me. I wasn’t worth fightin’ for.  _

He cleaned up the dishes and turned slowly to face Cas, the apprehension clear on his face. “So, how do we do this? Which one do we start with?”

Cas walked over and pulled him into a hug. “Let’s start with the creepy staring and then we’ll discuss what we see and feel.”

Dean nodded, a little afraid of how open he’d need to be during this. But if it helped him keep Cas, he’d swallow his damn pride and let the words come out, no matter how fundamentally uncomfortable they made him. “Okay, Cas.” He kissed the side of his head, rubbed his back, and pulled back. “Where do you wanna sit?”

“I’ll set it up.” He walked over and grabbed two dining chairs, setting them down to face each other. “I’ll set a timer, and we’ll let our minds wander for five minutes and then talk about the things we thought of. Unless it’s a random thing like ‘did I put the clothes to dry’ because those thoughts wouldn’t be helpful, but speaking of, let me throw the clothes in the dryer and we’ll start.”

Grinning, Dean took his seat and fidgeted with his pajama pants.  _ Okay, here we go.  _ When Cas came back out, he sat down and set a timer on his phone, placing it next to them. Dean glanced at it nervously, then brought his gaze up to meet Cas’. 

Cas exhaled a deep breath and met his eyes. It was hard to stay quiet when all they wanted to do was make out, but after a few awkward smirks they fell into a comfortable silence. 

Dean noted every time Cas’ eyes drifted down to his lips and was sure he was even staring at his freckles at one point.  _ C’mon, Dean. Focus, I can’t tell him the only thing I learned from this is how bad I wanna get on my knees for him.  _

As the minutes ticked on, Dean felt himself wilting under the intensity of Cas’ stare. It was almost overwhelming, and he felt himself blushing as he realized Cas could see right through him. His breath caught in his throat as he peered into those giant blue oceans, and when the timer finally went off, Dean felt like he’d just been through one of Cas’ academy exercises. 

Cas sat up straight and smiled. “So... how was it for you?”

_ Be honest.  _ “It was… intense? Kinda draining. But… good.” He licked his lips, knowing this was the part where he was supposed to talk. “You wanna go first, or should I?”

“I can.” Cas cleared his throat. “I could tell when you were focused and when you were distracted, I’m pretty sure you got turned on slightly for a moment.” He chuckled. “But thank you for that. I’m thankful you did that for me, and everything about you is still absolutely breathtaking. I love every single freckle on your face. When my mind wandered, I remembered the time we went to that arcade and made out in the back alley underneath that busted light. I’ll never forget how the moonlight lit up your beautiful green eyes, and staring up at you while I sucked you off.”

That drew a genuine smile from Dean, and he struggled with how to follow that up. “I always get turned on when you look at me like that. Always.” He shifted, picking at his thumbnail. “I uh… okay. Shit. I felt weird at first, and then got a little overwhelmed. I kept… I kept thinkin’ about what was gonna happen if you really did leave and I never got to look in your eyes again. I can’t stand it.” He dropped his gaze to the floor and sucked in a breath, knowing his cheeks were on fire. “And I spent probably a good two minutes mentally kickin’ my own ass for ever lettin’ you walk out that door. And wonderin’ if you’d just be better off without me. You deserve a helluva lot more than I’ve ever given you.”

“Dean.” Cas grabbed both of his hands. “I thought about how the hell I ever managed to find the strength to leave. You should know, you gave me everything. I never had love before you. Love is something I’ve only ever shared with you.”

He looked up abruptly, his cheeks still burning. “Really? So you don’t… you don’t love her?” Dean hated the sheer hopefulness and need etched on his face, but this wasn’t a time for holding back. 

“No. I tried to convince myself maybe I could love her if we got the divorce but no, it wasn’t love. She made me happy, I’m not going to deny that. But she made me happy because she was my friend. I think you and I lost that along the way, the friendship part, and I’d like to have that back.”

Dean nodded, but couldn’t help himself. “Me too, but if you’re tellin’ me I gotta wait even longer to have you inside of me again, I’m gonna die.”

“You won’t die.” Cas chuckled. “I won’t let you. I have an idea for our date. How about we go to the same arcade I was talking about?”

_ Fuck. Pretty sure that means he’s gonna make me wait. Okay, I can wait. Been almost eight months since I’ve gotten laid, what’s another week? He doesn’t love her, he’s gonna stay. He has to stay.  _ “Sounds like a plan to me, but you know I’m gonna kick your ass at Skee-Ball again. And Air hockey.” Dean grinned, leaning forward. “Speakin’ of me kickin’ your ass, you still wanna spar first?”

“Absolutely. Let’s get changed. Do you still have the mats?”

Nodding, Dean fished them out of the hall closet and laid them down, moving the coffee table out of the way to make room. He changed into a pair of basketball shorts and kept his shirt off, knowing he always had a better chance of actually landing a blow if Cas was distracted. He came back out, noticing Cas seemed to have had the exact same idea. “Ah, shit. Can I forfeit?”

“Not a chance.” Cas grinned and stretched. Dean had almost forgotten how bendy he was. “Ready to lose?”

Dean huffed and dipped his head in a nod. “Yeah, pretty much.” He tried to loosen his posture and raised his hands in front of his face. “Rules? Just… whoever lands a hit gets to ask a question? What if we don’t wanna answer?”

“Then you say that honestly and the person can ask another? I can’t remember the rules, so we can make our own. I will try to answer everything you ask. Anything else?”

“Same. And as always, no bruises unless they’re from teeth.” Dean flashed a smirk and lunged forward, trying to catch Cas off guard. 

“Agreed.” Cas attempted to dodge but Dean caught him in a hold. “Cheater,” he chuckled, trying to get out of Dean’s grip.

Dean laughed and placed a kiss to the back of Cas’ shoulder then let him go, contemplating his first question.  _ Better start with somethin’ that won’t hurt my feelings.  _ “Favorite thing about me?”

“Physically, your freckles. Personality, how fierce you are for the things you love.” Cas came right back at Dean, and he wasn’t quite fast enough to get away. 

“Damnit. Alright, go ahead.”

“Tell me two things you like about me and one thing you don’t.”

He huffed, scratching the back of his neck. “I like how you always put other people first, in your personal life and your job. I  _ don’t _ like the fact that you dismiss me sometimes, like I’m a kid. And… I like the way you always try to see the best in people, even if they don’t deserve it.”  _ There. Compliment sandwich.  _

“Thank you.” Cas charged again but this time, Dean was ready. He blocked and countered, glancing a blow off of Cas’ stomach. 

“What was the last straw for you? The thing that made you leave?”

Cas tensed and stood taller, the saddness apparent in his eyes. “It...” he paused, struggling with his words. “It was dumb. I came home from work and you were sleeping. You probably had a long day at the garage, but you were sleeping and I took a shower and climbed into bed.” Cas paused again and sighed. “I kissed along your shoulder because I missed you and we hadn’t even touched each other in days. But you shrugged me off and said ‘tomorrow.’ You had every right, and yet all I could think about was how far apart we were, in every way.”

Dean remembered that day, and started laughing bitterly. “Ahhh, fuck, Cas. You know why I said no? You were workin’ a late shift that day, and I  _ had  _ had a long day. I ended up fuckin’ myself in that dildo you got me for Christmas a few years ago so hard my ass felt like it was on fire. And by the way, I was thinkin’ about that time we went to that Policeman’s Ball thing and I was bein’ a brat and you stuck your nightstick between my teeth and fucked me against the bathroom wall.” He shook his head, palming himself at the memory. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you, I just… shoulda waited, I guess.” 

“I understand. It wasn’t until I reflected that I realized how stupid that ‘last straw’ was. I’m sorry I didn’t express myself back then. You should be allowed to deny me, you’re human.” Cas also palmed his erection. “I really liked that night at the ball,” he licked his lips and grinned.

Dean smirked, raising his hands again. “God, I miss you fuckin’ me in your uniform.” 

Cas chuckled as he stepped forward and quickly got Dean into a headlock. “Distracted, hmm?”

That absolutely didn’t help Dean’s boner. He nodded, trying to reach behind him to squeeze Cas’ hip. “Yeah. You could say that.”

Cas flipped him on his back and hovered over him. “When did we lose it, Dean? Our flame. The flame that burned so hot for so long?”

“Fuck.” Dean was having a hard time focusing on anything but the rush of blood to his cock and the heat coursing through his veins. “You ask me, we didn’t.” He rutted up against him, moaning quietly at the friction. He tried to move, but Cas had him pinned, which only made it worse. He flushed, biting his lip. “You gonna tell me you don’t still feel it? Seems to be burnin’ pretty hot to me.”

“I feel it now. Now that we were so damn close to dousing the simmer all together. But it faded, tell me you noticed. Tell me it wasn’t all in my head that things changed.”

Dean shook his head quickly, clenching his fists under Cas’ grip. “You’re not wrong. I didn’t notice how bad it got until you were gone. Felt the loss every goddamn day.”

Cas didn’t respond with words, just with his lips, and before Dean knew it they were aggressively lapping into each other’s mouths, releasing needy moans and gripping each other tightly.

He squirmed beneath Cas, unable to move but wanting desperately to shove Cas’ shorts down. Dean broke the kiss long enough to speak. “Cas, please. Please.” He thrust up, trying to grind his length against Cas’. 

It worked, Cas growled and released his grip on Dean slightly so he could shove both of their shorts down. He rutted his cock against Dean’s and met his eyes again. “Do it,” he ordered, moving his hands back to their position to keep Dean caged, so all that Dean could move was his right hand. 

Dean whined, reaching down and fisting them both, stroking quickly as he tried in vain to thrust up. “Fuck, goddamnit, that feels good. Don't let me up.”

“You aren’t allowed to move anything but that beautiful hand.” They locked eyes for more intense eye contact, but this time felt differently than earlier, this time was pure, raw passion.

Cas knew better than anyone that Dean didn’t last long when pinned. Embarrassingly fast, Dean was coming all over his own stomach with a grunt, trying to catch Cas in another kiss. 

He kissed him just as he emptied into Dean’s fist and they lazily made out until their cocks were completely spent. Cas pulled away and smiled down at Dean. “How do you feel that game went?”

Dean huffed a sated laugh and glanced down at the absolute mess on his stomach. “Fuck. We can play  _ that  _ game anytime you want.”

“I absolutely agree.”

**~~~~**

They slept entwined in each other’s arms, and Dean woke feeling more rested than he had in ages. After the games they’d played, he felt a lot more secure in the knowledge that Cas wouldn’t be leaving when the month was up, and therefore stopped being so mopey. 

He kissed the underside of Cas’ jaw and ran a hand down his side, toying with the waistband of his boxers.

Cas hummed, but didn’t open his eyes. If it wasn’t for the small upturn of his lips, Dean would have believed he was still asleep.

They’d played this particular game enough times for Dean to know he had a greenlight, so he palmed over Cas’ crotch until he felt him start to thicken, then disappeared under the blankets and mouthed over the fabric. 

Cas squirmed slightly and bucked up against Dean’s face. “Morning, sweetheart.”

“Mmm, hi.” He reached up to pull Cas’ boxers down and wasted no time, sucking the head of his cock into his mouth and flicking his tongue. 

It didn’t take long for Cas to be fully hard and tugging on his hair. “Mmm, love your mouth, Dean.”

Dean kept going, stroking as he bobbed his head, loving the familiar taste. Cas eventually moved the blanket to get a good look at him, and Cas’ gaze shot down to meet his eyes. He looked delicious with his sleepy tousled hair and flushed cheeks. “So beautiful with my cock in your mouth.”

He smiled around Cas’ length then took him deeper, pausing when his nose was pressed against Cas’ skin to let him take over. Cas thrust up into his throat with a loud groan. He pushed Dean’s limit as he began fucking his face slowly, his cock pressing further each time until Dean’s eyes were watering and he could feel the precome slipping down his throat.

Eager for more, Dean moaned to send vibrations through Cas’ cock, and Cas tossed his head back in pleasure. “Fuck... Dean...” His hips stuttered and his grip tightened. “Gonna come down your throat, sweetheart.”

Dean reached down to grip his own length inside his boxers and stroked with a tight fist, keeping his throat open for Cas to do as he pleased.

Within a minute, Cas was calling out his name and spilling deep into his throat. After his comedown, he pulled Dean up and flipped him over with a growl, sliding Dean inside his mouth quickly while pinning him down.

It was over quickly at that point, and once Cas swallowed every drop, Dean pulled him up to kiss him. “Mornin’, angel.” 

“Good morning, Dean. Breakfast?” Cas rolled off the bed and walked to the bathroom with his ass still out.

Dean huffed with a smile. He’d have preferred staying in bed for a while to kiss every square inch of his husband’s naked body, but they had a date to get to. He followed Cas to the bathroom and smacked his ass, kissing his cheek quickly and then jumping in the shower. “Why don’t we go out for breakfast? Start our date with all you can eat pancakes?”

“That sounds amazing.” Cas brushed his teeth and then slid inside the shower with Dean. “Hi.”

He was already all soaped up, so he swiped some suds off his shoulder and rubbed them on Cas’ chest with a grin. “Couldn’t stay away, huh?”

“No. You always look amazing wet.” Cas pulled him in and kissed him under the cascading water.

Dean growled quietly against his lips and gripped Cas’ ass, pulling him closer. He smiled as he broke the kiss. “Yeah. Pretty sure the spark is still there, I felt that shit to my toes.”

“Me too,” Cas admitted with a small smile. “I feel it, Dean.” He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes. 

Hopeful for the first time in awhile, Dean pulled Cas into a hug and held him there, relaxing under the stream of hot water. Everything about Cas felt familiar and perfect, and Dean would’ve been content to stay there forever if Cas would’ve let him. “C’mon. Let’s get clean so we can go fantasize about covering each other in syrup in public.”

~~~~

As enticing as he made all you can eat pancakes sound, once Cas had his menu, he opted for french toast instead, saying he would “help Dean with his pancakes” since he’d gotten the bottomless plate, and they ordered pretty much every side of breakfast meat possible to share.

Dean winked and clicked his tongue as he hand fed Cas a piece of bacon, amused by the looks they were getting from people. In a lot of ways, it felt like it had at the beginning - no matter where they were or how many people they were surrounded by, no one mattered but them.

Cas leaned in and took a bite, holding eye contact the entire time. He picked up a sausage link and held it out for Dean, but didn’t extend his arm. “Come get it, sweetheart.”

Lust snaked down Dean’s spine and he lifted his ass off the seat, leaning forward as far as he could. The link was still just out of reach, so Dean flicked his tongue out over the tip of it and grinned triumphantly as Cas moved it forward just enough for Dean to get his lips around it. He locked eyes with Cas again and sucked slowly, not missing the way Cas’ hand gripped his fork or the low growl that vibrated his chest. The entire restaurant disappeared around them when Cas pulled the sausage out of Dean’s mouth and took a bite.

Dean sighed and sat back down, licking his bottom lip. “I wanted that, y’know. I worked for it.”

“You were a good boy for it... but you teased me. Your mouth always gets me going, Dean. You know that.” Cas picked up another and held it out for him, this time closer.

_ Yeah, we’ll just pretend I’m not hard as a fuckin’ rock under this table.  _ Dean knew his cheeks were flushed, and he had a sneaking suspicion Cas was going to make this harder than it looked, but once again he leaned forward and wrapped his mouth around it. He bit down hesitantly, taking just a small piece and not moving away as he chewed. 

“Good boy.” Cas pulled back and broke eye contact to eat. Dean didn’t miss the small smirk on his lips, or the grins on people’s faces as he glanced around the room.

It was impossible to focus on the rest of his breakfast. It took two refills of his pancakes for his boner to finally go back down to a level that made it possible for him to even look at Cas again.  _ Bet April isn’t as good for him as I am.  _ “You done, angel? Arcade opens soon.”

“Yes, I’m very full.” Cas eyed him and then leaned forward to whisper, “I missed doing those things with you.” Dean felt his foot slide in between his legs.

Nodding quickly, Dean squirmed a little in his seat. “Yeah, me too. Fuck, Cas. I was so damn hard I could barely taste my pancakes. I didn’t even know that was possible.”

“As much as the food tasted good, I would rather taste you.” He grinned and leaned forward. “But let’s go have our day date.”

He swore under his breath and grinned, dropping some cash on the table to pay for breakfast. “Ready when you are.”

They made their way out to the car, and before they made it, Cas spun Dean around and kissed him. There was no tongue, but the promise for more was apparent, even when he pulled away. “Couldn’t help it, sorry.”

“Fuck, you’re still a tease.” Dean bit his lip and tipped his head back, letting out a breath through his nose. They got into the car and made their way over to the arcade just as it opened, and Dean nudged Cas once they got their tokens. “Where to first?”

“Shooting or racing?” Cas asked with a huge smile, it had been way too long since either of them enjoyed something so simple.

“Shooting, duh. C’mon.  _ Space Pirates _ or  _ Wild Gunman?  _ I think I still hold the record on that last one.” Dean put up finger guns and clicked his tongue. “Fastest fingers in the west.”

“Fastest finger  _ guns _ maybe.” Cas chuckled and followed Dean. “You're on, sweetheart.”

Dean stuck his tongue out at Cas as he shoved a couple of tokens in and lined up his gun, waiting for the countdown. 

Cas won, but Dean blamed it on his academy training and seriously started to question if Cas used to just let him win. He kicked Cas’ ass in hoops and Skee-Ball though, so that made him feel marginally better.

He nudged Cas, grinning when he held up his tickets. “You done losin’ yet, or you ready to play Air Hockey?”

“Let’s go.” Cas looked lighter than he had all month and Dean could feel how much they needed this. They needed to have fun and forget all the bad things, even if it was just for a bit. 

They waited their turn, and when the fans turned on, Dean squatted down a little bit and pinched his tongue between his teeth. “We bettin’?”

“Sure... what are you thinking? Loser cooks dinner? Or loser cockwarms while the other cooks?” Cas arched an eyebrow and kept eye contact.

Yet again, Dean found himself thickening in his jeans in an inappropriate place. “That one. The... the second one.”  _ Fuck. Now I gotta lose on purpose... Jesus Christ. _

Cas grinned and started the game, he never was good at this game, but for some reason he’d brought his best today. It actually woke up the competitive side of Dean, and he nearly won, but Cas distracted him and snuck the last one right past him. 

“You hungry? I’m hungry. We should go.” 

Cas chuckled and nodded. “Lead the way, sweetheart.” He interlocked their fingers as they walked toward Baby and brought Dean’s hand up for a kiss. 

_ There’s no way he won’t fuck me after this, as long as I’m good. And I can be good.  _ He started driving home, then gently smacked the steering wheel. “We forgot to trade in our tickets.”

“Guess we’ll have to go back soon then, huh?” Cas shrugged. “Darn.”

The prospect of more dates with Cas had Dean grinning and putting a hand on Cas’ thigh, sliding it up a little higher than probably necessary. “You just tell me when, angel. I’ll let you kick my ass any day.”  _ Especially if you keep makin’ bets like this.  _

“You let me? That isn’t fair. I beat you fair and square, Winchester.” Cas put his hand on Dean’s thigh, causing his knees to try and come together.

Dean nodded sarcastically, knowing damn well Cas wasn’t lying. “Sure ya did. We’ll see who the real winner is at the end of the night.”

“Me. Because I have you.” Cas met his gaze and reached over to gently touch his face. “I love you... eyes on the road, sweetheart.”

It was an effort to listen when all he wanted to do was look in Cas’ eyes and make him repeat that phrase until Dean actually believed it again. He leaned into the touch and turned his head slightly to kiss Cas’ fingertips. “I love you, Cas. Always.”

Cas released a  _ mmm _ noise and then slid his pointer finger into Dean’s mouth, urging him to suck and Dean obliged a little too eagerly, clenching his legs together and trying to stay focused on the road. 

Dean sucked his finger until they were pulling into the driveway with two raging boners. Cas practically lunged on him the second Baby was in park and they heatedly made out - still acting like teenagers.

The second Dean undid Cas’ pants button, he pulled away with lust blown eyes. “Inside, now. I can’t wait any longer.” Cas rushed out of the car before explaining what that meant.

Dean scrambled inside after Cas he nearly tripped over his own feet. “Cas?”

Cas was in the kitchen, looking through the fridge. “Steaks sound good Dean? Or should we skip all this and just order take out?”

“Depends, I guess. How long would I need to cockwarm if we ordered in? The original deal was while you cooked.”

“For starters, you can take off all those clothes, and put on that red and black jockstrap I love, then you can come get on your knees.” Cas turned to face him, staring at Dean so intensely it made him blush.

Technically speaking, that didn’t answer Dean’s question, but he also couldn’t bring himself to care. He nodded once, then disappeared into the bedroom to get changed. The jockstrap felt strange, but he took a moment to admire himself in the mirror and take a deep breath. He knew he looked damn good, and hoped Cas would think so, too. 

He made his way back out to Cas and turned in a slow circle, letting him get a full view of the lines of Dean’s body, then dropped to his knees in front of Cas. “How long, Officer?” 

“How long? Do you have somewhere to be, Dean?” Cas tilted his head and stepped forward as he unbuttoned his pants.

Dean shook his head and tucked his hands behind his back. “No, Officer. I was just hopin’ it would be longer than five minutes.” He opened his mouth and stuck his tongue out, recognizing that it would be done whenever Cas said it was done.  _ Fine by me.  _

“Good.” Cas took his hard cock out but left his pants on. “Open wide, sweetheart.” He slapped along Dean’s tongue with the head and Dean stretched further, straightening his back and locking eyes with Cas.

He slid in painfully slow, reminding Dean to relax his throat and then gripped the counter with one hand and Dean’s hair with the other. “So gorgeous. You love my cock. Don’t you, Dean?”

Humming an affirmative, Dean stayed still and let his eyes flutter closed. He shifted his tongue slightly just to get more comfortable and focused on the way Cas’ length stretched his lips and tested his jaw. Dean slipped a little further into his own mind and moaned softly as his own cock thickened and pressed against the jockstrap.  _ Love all of you, Cas.  _

It seemed like Cas was struggling too by the way his hips moved every so often. “Dean... open your eyes.”

That voice sounded almost muffled, but Dean slowly forced his eyes open and tried to focus on Cas’ face. He could feel a string of saliva sliding down his chin and the urge to swallow was growing, but he refrained, knowing Cas would tell him how and when he was allowed to move at all. Dean smiled just slightly around the mass of Cas’ cock, staring up at him with hooded, lust blown eyes and flushed cheeks. 

“You’re perfect... I’ll never get over how perfect you are.” They locked eyes and neither gaze wavered. It wasn’t until a while later that the doorbell rang that Cas glanced away, but he didn’t pull out.

Dean’s hands twitched behind his back and his breathing picked up. He pointedly kept his eyes on his husband’s face, knowing that whatever Cas had planned, it was some kind of test - and there was no way in hell Dean was going to fail. 

The doorbell rang again, this time though, Cas growled and slid out his cock. “Dammit. Don’t move.” He tucked himself away and stormed toward the door.

He took the chance to flex his jaw and swallow, but didn’t dare to even move his hands to wipe his face. Dean knew that if Cas opened the front door more than a few inches, whoever was on the other side would catch a full glimpse of Dean’s side profile - complete with the strap hugging his ass and the erection threatening to split the front of it in two. 

Cas pulled the door open and handed them cash, but the delivery man instantly looked past him and huffed a nervous laugh when he saw Dean. From Cas’ body language, he wasn’t amused. “That’s mine. Don’t look at him.” He pulled the door back to block Dean from view.

Dean bit the corner of his bottom lip to try and stop his smile, but couldn’t quite manage it.  _ Damn right I’m yours, angel.  _

“Sorry, sir. Enjoy your…  _ that.”  _

The door closed a moment later and Cas walked back over, putting the bag on the counter and then finally stripped naked. “You can watch me, sweetheart.”

And he did, letting his eyes devour every inch of his husband. “Thank you, Officer.”

Cas smiled at the name and slid down his briefs. “I fucking love you in those, Dean.” He pointed at the jockstrap. “You should see how perfect your ass is.”

_ Perfect enough for you to finally fuck me?  _ Dean held steady, refusing to fuck it up now. He repeated, “Thank you, Officer,” and held his mouth open again, gripping his wrist so tightly behind his back he was likely going to bruise. 

“Do you ever miss my handcuffs?” Cas slid his length back inside with a shudder.

Dean’s hips canted forward just at the thought, and he grunted, nodding slightly as Cas stretched his mouth open again.

“Maybe I’ll bring them out later.” Dean wasn’t just cockwarming now, he was letting Cas take what he wanted and with each passing second, he wanted more. It wasn’t long before he was fucking into Dean’s throat.

His jaw hurt like hell and his knees weren’t faring much better, but he was screaming at himself in his mind to hold out just a little longer. Dean’s cock was throbbing and leaking, and he found himself moaning louder and thrusting into the air each time Cas’ length slipped past the back of his mouth. 

Cas pulled out and took a step back, his eyes devouring Dean’s state. “Look at how fucked out you are. Want some release, sweetheart?”

“C’mon, Ca - Officer,” he corrected himself quickly. “Please, fuck, I want you so goddamn bad. Please.” Dean swallowed thickly and licked his lips, scooting forward on his knees to close the distance again. “Need - need you inside of me, wanna feel you again.”  _ C’mon, angel, I’ve been good. Even in front of other people, I’ve been good. Fuck, god damnit, please don’t deny me.  _

Cas stared into his eyes and nodded. “Stand up, bend over the counter and stay still.” He turned and went into the bedroom, hopefully for the lube.

He struggled to his feet, huffing a quiet, quick laugh at the fact that he wasn’t as young as he used to be - but he was finally about to get what he wanted, and a little bit of pain wasn’t gonna stop him. He fixed the strap under the right side of his ass and stretched out for just a moment, then leaned over the counter and spread his legs to offer himself up. 

Dean didn’t even hear when Cas returned, so when he felt hands grip his hips, he flinched. “Eager for me?” Cas nipped his shoulder blade and slapped his ass softly.

“Fuck, angel. You have no damn idea.” Dean put his hands behind his back just in case Cas brought those cuffs and spread his legs further. “Need your cock so damn bad.” 

Cas huffed a deep laugh and opened the lube cap with a pop. “Are you clean?”

For the first time, Dean recoiled a little bit. “I haven’t been with anyone but you.”  _ Should be askin’ you that, not the other way around.  _ “Are uh… are you?” 

“Yes, I am. I don’t want to use a condom with my husband, tell me that’s okay.” Cas pressed the pad of his finger to Dean’s tight hole.

“Please don’t, fuck condoms.”  _ And kinda fuck you for reminding me there’s someone else. _ Dean wiggled back, trying to get Cas to slip his finger in.

Cas gripped the strap of Dean’s underwear and pushed his finger inside. “Good. I want to fill you up, Dean. It’s been so long.” He slid his finger in and out slowly, and Dean dropped his head to the cool countertop. 

Assuming Cas didn’t bring the cuffs, he brought his arms up to rest above his head and squirmed backward, letting out a soft grunt. “Too long, Cas. Way too damn long.”

“But you still open so good for me. I can’t wait to bury my cock inside of you.” Cas nudged in another finger impatiently, and Dean hissed as he rocked back to take them deeper. 

It already felt better than anything he’d done to himself since Cas left, and he was too impatient for the real thing to give a shit about being fully prepped.  _ “Cas…  _ c’mon, gimme another one.”

Cas slapped his ass, pulled him by the strap and shoved in deeper. “Stay still, Dean.” He continued his agonizingly slow pace, and Dean clenched his jaw. 

_ Been fucking months and I can’t even touch him when it finally happens.  _ He was grateful to his core that it was happening at  _ all,  _ so Dean exhaled hard and stilled his hips, moaning into the crook of his arm. “Yes, Officer.”

Once Dean was finally open to Cas’ liking, he pulled his fingers out and opened the lube again. “You get to pick where. Where do you want me to fuck you, sweetheart? Here? The couch? The bedroom?” He leaned forward and kissed the back of his neck, his hard cock pressing between his cheeks.

“Bed, please.” Dean waited until Cas moved back and then stood, rubbing a sore spot on his hip from where he’d been pressed against the counter. He made his way to their room with lube dripping down the inside of his thighs and stopped near the bed with his head bowed, hands once more behind his back, awaiting orders. 

“Lay on your back, Dean. I want to see your beautiful face.” Dean laid as told and Cas climbed on the bed to hover over him, sliding the jockstrap off Dean. He wrapped his lubed hand around Dean’s cock and stroked slowly, drawing a whine from Dean’s chest. 

Dean once again spread his legs, and clenched his fists above his head. “Can I touch you, Officer?”

“Yes.” Cas leaned down and kissed him as he lined up his cock and rutted against his hole.

He reached up instantly, fisting both hands in Cas’ hair as he met the kiss. They were so close Dean could fucking taste it on Cas’ tongue, and the heat coursing through his body had him moaning.

Cas finally breached the tight ring of muscles and sunk inside of him, groaning into Dean’s mouth. 

Dean’s breath hitched and he wrapped his legs tight around Cas’ ass, pulling him in as he gasped. One hand raked down Cas’ back while the other tugged his hair, desperate to feel every inch of him.

Once Cas was finally bottomed out, all movement but their mouths ceased as they laid together, kissing like it was the last thing they’d ever do.

_ Fucking finally.  _ Dean held Cas close until he adjusted to the stretch, then broke the kiss and slammed his eyes shut. “Fuck me, Cas. Move, please!”

Cas nipped his bottom lip and obliged, fucking him slow and deep as he stared into his eyes more intensely than when they played that creepy game. 

Dean arched with every thrust, digging his nails into Cas’ powerful back as he craned his neck to bite Cas’, sucking gently but desperately. It felt so good to have Cas inside of him again that he nearly lost it.  _ Cause I nearly lost  _ **_him._ **

Cas moved his mouth down to Dean’s neck, sucking a dark mark for the first time in nearly a year. He bit down as he sped up, angling himself for Dean’s prostate and when he finally found it, Dean fucking unraveled. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he didn’t bother touching himself, he knew he wouldn’t need to. He gasped Cas’ name and wrapped both arms around him, hugging him to his chest so tightly Cas nearly lost the angle.

After moving so he could grip Dean’s hips, Cas held him there as he split him open. “Feel so good, Dean. I’m... close... you gonna come for me, baby?”

He tried to answer, but all that came out was a gurgled whine. Cas slammed into that same, intense spot and Dean barely had time to get his hand around his length before he was coming all over his own stomach. 

“Good boy... fuck, you’re so good for me. Tell me to fill you up.” Cas continued fucking him until he was completely boneless, making it hard for him to speak. 

“Come in me, Cas. Fill me up, mark me... make me... yours again.”

“Dean... I love you.” Cas slammed inside, calling Dean’s name again as he filled up his tight channel. He leaned down and kissed all over his face and neck gently.

It was overwhelming and perfect to hear those words, and Dean couldn’t bring himself to care when twin tears raced down the sides of his face and hit the pillow. After what felt like a lifetime, he finally,  _ finally  _ had his husband back. “I love you, Cas.”

Cas sat back and wiped his face. “You okay?” He whispered, leaning down to kiss him softly again.

“Fuck,” Dean let out a relieved laugh. “I am now, I was startin’ to think the world would end before you’d fuck me.”

“I wasn’t trying to punish you. I...” Cas looked away and sighed. “I explained it so many times I don’t know how else to put it.”

Dean flinched, reaching up to touch Cas’ face. “Yeah, but it’s okay now, right?”  _ Please tell me it’s okay.  _

Cas laid down and buried his face in Dean’s neck, not responding with words. It wasn’t until his ass pushed Cas out that he finally got up and disappeared into the bathroom. 

_ Guess fucking not.  _

Dean sat up, cradling his head in his hands and digging his palms into his eyes.  _ Finally got what I wanted and I fucked it up eight seconds later. Gotta be a personal record. Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with me?  _

Cas came back a moment later with a towel and started cleaning Dean up silently. Everything about his face said he was in deep thought, which worried Dean.

“Look, just say it. Whatever it is, just fuckin’ say it.” Dean’s hand was shaking slightly as he reached down to still Cas’, not wanting him to keep up the charade of taking care of him if things were about to go south. 

Cas had the nerve to look surprised. “Say what?”

Dean scoffed and shook his head. “Whatever the hell you’re thinkin’.” 

“I’m thinking about how scared I am that we did that too soon,” he admitted. “I wasn’t holding my dick hostage, Dean. I want us to work. I want to do this the right way, and what if my inability to tell you no just ruined all the progress we made?”

“Ruined all the -“ Dean squinted at him, sitting up. “In what kinda fucked up world does havin’ sex with your husband ruin  _ anything?” _ _ I was good. I was good and he still fuckin’ regrets it.  _ He slid off the bed and put on a clean pair of sweatpants. He could feel Cas everywhere - his ass, his hip, his neck, his wrist… he was used to having bruises after sessions like that, but he wasn’t used to the shame that came along with it.  _ People fuckin’ saw me. I fuckin’ cried. Jesus Christ.  _ He kept his expression as neutral as he could, and asked in a flat voice, “You want anything? I’m gonna grab some water.”

“I’ll come with you.” Cas stood and followed Dean out to the kitchen. “I’m sorry if my honesty hurt your feelings. I haven’t had a chance to process what I’m feeling right now, I don’t believe things are ruined, I  _ fear _ they could be. There’s a difference, Dean.”

The cold air from the fridge felt good as he grabbed two bottles of water, handing one to Cas without looking at him. “No, there’s not, Cas. Either way, you still have doubts about this. About us. About  _ me.” _

“And how can I not? Things weren’t perfect for you before they went bad? Because for me, they were absolutely perfect and then one day, everything changed and I don’t know how we got there. So yes, I really don’t want to make those mistakes again. There is no round three, Dean. This isn’t some game, this is our lives.”

Dean nodded, tipping his head back as he drank just to occupy his mouth. “You keep sayin’ that, Cas… but lemme ask you somethin’. Here, you want me to  _ spar  _ with you first, or you just gonna answer me?”

Cas set his unopened water aside and raised a hand. “Ask away, Dean.”

“You gonna tell me what the difference is between sex and the other shit we’ve been doin’? Cause from where I’m sittin’, the  _ hole  _ you fuck doesn’t make that big of a difference.” Dean leaned forward against the island and exhaled as the countertop dug into his palms, bracing himself for the answer he was almost sure was coming. 

“Because sex is the last step. In most relationships, it’s when you decide if you are ready to be with someone, leave them, or be just friends. Most people decide where they stand after having sex that first time. Are you prepared to decide where we stand? Right now, today?”

Dean scoffed and nodded, pushing himself back and running a hand over his jaw. “Yeah, I am. I was ready before the sex and  _ my  _ answer didn’t change. You’re my husband, the love of my damn life, and nothin’ and no one's gonna change that for me.” 

Cas looked pained as he stared at Dean’s face and then he finally picked up his water and took a drink. 

That should have been answer enough, but Dean needed to hear him say it. “What about you, Cas? Say you had to decide right now where we stand. Would you stay, or would you go because you’re pissed off you still want me?” 

“I... I don’t know yet, Dean. That is what I’m trying to tell you.“

He felt the truth of that statement like a punch to the gut. He nodded dumbly, clearing his throat and staring at the floor with pinched brows. “Right. Course, I…” he coughed again, trying to stop his voice from cracking. “I get it. Just uh… just got one more question for you, angel.”

Cas set his water bottle aside again and nodded. “You can ask as many questions as you need, Dean.”

“Okay. Do you feel like you’ve been cheatin’ on  _ me _ with April... or on April with me?” Dean stood straight, squaring his shoulders and mentally trying to prepare himself for the worst.

Cas frowned and tilted his head. “Neither. Why would you ask that? April and I broke up for this month, Dean. I thought that was very clear.”

“How the hell would that have been clear?” Dean’s eyes widened incredulously and he took a step forward, trying not to focus on the fact that Cas was still naked. “You fuckin’ yell at me when I bring her up, and you sure as shit never told me you broke it off with her.”  _ Which means your damn hesitation wasn’t about April, it really was about me.  _ “And the fuck do you mean, ‘for this month’?”

“I couldn’t give this a shot if I had someone else, Dean. I broke up with her before I came here, and I still have a very big decision to make. I thought it was clear because I am not a cheater, Dean. I wouldn’t even kiss someone else if I was in a relationship. Do you know nothing about me?” Cas stood tall too, seemingly ignoring the fact that he was naked as well.

Dean felt a little wild, like he’d drown if he didn’t claw his way back to the surface.  _ I’d rather believe he was a cheater than admit I fucked things up so bad before that he just didn’t know if I was worth it. How the hell did I get here?  _ He wanted to apologize, to fall to his knees in front of Cas and tell him a million times that he didn’t think that way - could  _ never  _ think that way - but the words wouldn’t come. He couldn’t stop the fear of losing Cas from turning itself to anger. “Well fuck me for thinkin’ that’s why you fought this - fought  _ me  _ \- so hard every step of the damn way. When you showed up here, you were pissed off and would barely look at me. You even  _ admitted  _ you weren’t really givin’ it a shot at the beginning. Guess it’s just me, huh? Everything’s always me. I fuck everything up. Maybe we should just call this a goddamn day and I’ll let you get back to your perfect little psychologist girlfriend.” He took off for the door, but Cas followed him and snatched the keys before he could. 

“Dean! Is that what you want? Things are hard so we should just walk away? How well did it work last time? I’m trying to do things differently this time, but I can see you aren’t.” He turned on his heels and stormed into the bedroom and when Dean walked in behind him, he was sliding on his briefs. “You want your damn keys? Fine.” Cas tossed them to Dean and then grabbed some pajama pants. “Go ahead, Dean. Do what you feel. You always have.”

The air thickened and turned sour in his lungs as Dean studied the fury and pain on Cas’ face.  _ I do this shit to him every time. Every goddamn time. It’s me, it’s always been me.  _ Dean blinked, genuinely not sure if he’d ever felt lower in his life. “You’re right, Cas. Nothin’s different cause  _ I’m  _ not different. I’m only ‘good’ when I’m on my damn knees or suckin’ off a sausage link in a diner full of people.” He took a step backward toward the bedroom door and dropped his eyes, his voice thick with more traitorous, bullshit tears. “I’m not good, Cas. I’m shit. You had somethin’ good, and I ruined it.” He glanced around the room, looking for a shirt, but couldn’t really see much of anything.  _ I don’t deserve him. I didn’t then, and I sure as fuck don’t now.  _ He muttered “m’sorry,” while turning toward the door. 

“Dean, wait!” Cas attempted to follow. “You’re dropping. I can see and feel it. Don’t... leave.”

He grabbed his keys, jerking his body out of Cas’ reach. “No! Fuck, don’t… don’t touch me. I don’t need your pity, Cas. Taken enough from you as it is.” He headed for the exit without bothering to find his shoes and struggled to breathe as he made his way out to the car, desperate to put space between him and the reminder that he was gonna lose Cas -  _ again -  _ and it was entirely his fault. 

Against his wishes, Cas ran outside in his briefs and jumped in front of the driver’s side door. “Dean! Stop! Give me your keys... please.”

Dean sucked in a shuddering breath and stared at Cas’ chest, clenching his fist around his keys. “M’not drunk.”

“I don’t care. This might be worse, you...” He looked around and seemed happy enough that no one was outside. “You’re dropping. Let me help and we’ll keep talking about it all. Just please come inside.”

_ Great, now I can’t even sub right for him. _ Dean shivered from the chill in the air and handed Cas his keys. “I’ll just... sleep on the couch. Seriously, you don’t have to take care of me. M’not droppin’.”

Cas took the keys and reached out for Dean but stopped before touching him. “If that is what you want.” He turned and walked back in the house, holding the door open for Dean.

Somehow, that just made him feel even worse. Somewhere in his mess of a mind, he knew the aftercare was just as important for Cas as it was for him, but that got screwed up when they started arguing and Dean didn’t know how to snap himself out of where he was. He walked past Cas silently and eyed his bottle of whiskey, but ultimately ignored it and made his way to the bedroom to grab a blanket. 

“Go to bed, Dean. The couch is too small, if you don’t want to sleep with me, I’ll take the couch or I’ll go. But this is your house, take your bed.” Cas walked to the couch and sat down, staring at the black screen like the tv was on.

“No, Cas,” Dean rasped out, not even sure if Cas could hear him. “It’s supposed to be  _ our _ house.” He stared at the blanket in his hand and squeezed his eyes shut, then crawled alone into bed.

He had no idea how much time had passed, but he felt the bed shift a while later and then Cas’ strong arms wrap around him, pulling him flush against his cold body. Dean rolled over immediately, holding Cas close and burying his face in his chest. “M’sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Cas kissed the top of his head and squeezed tighter. “I love you,” he whispered.

Dean nodded, the air catching uncomfortably in his throat. “Love you. Just wish I’d quit fuckin’ it up.”

“I keep making mistakes too, Dean. It isn’t just you. Shh, go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Talking only seemed to get them into more trouble, and a big part of Dean wanted to simply stay asleep in Cas’ arms for the rest of time. If they woke up, they’d talk. If they talked, Dean would say something stupid. And one more stupid comment would push Cas right out the door… and this time, no amount of underhanded bribery would bring him back. 

It was just… easier to stay asleep. 


	5. Chapter 5

Dean woke up first, courtesy of yet another nightmare. At some point, Cas had rolled onto his stomach, and Dean sat there studying the rise and fall of his chest for several moments before finally getting up. 

Despite what they’d said, the conversation Dean was dreading never came. Two full days passed in awkward silence that was broken only by small talk and dinner requests. Finally, on the third day, Dean was exhausted and needed his husband badly enough that he didn’t care how uncomfortable the conversation would be - he’d have it if he had to. 

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” Cas walked over and plopped on the couch next to him.

Words were stupid, stupid things… and Dean couldn’t seem to muster any of the right ones. He huffed in irritation at himself and laid down with his head in Cas’ lap, hoping he wouldn’t need to say anything at all. 

Cas moved slightly and started playing with his hair as he stared down at him. “I’m sorry these last few days have been tense.”

_ Yeah, and now we’re nearly outta damn time.  _ “Me too, Cas. But that’s what happens, right? You can’t just fix somethin’ broken overnight.” 

“No, I suppose not. If only.” He continued to stroke his head softly. “Please talk to me. I promise to try my hardest to see your side and not take it wrong. I want to understand what you feel.”

And Dean wanted to, badly. But he wasn’t sure what he felt anymore, let alone how to put it into words. “I just feel like shit, Cas. I love you, and I know I love you, I just… keep fuckin’ it up and I don’t even mean to.”

“I know. I feel it, I can feel you want this and I’m sorry if you don’t feel that back from me. I do want this. I’m just scared... and I’m tired of being scared. But I love you too, I... I know that I love you.”

Dean rubbed his nose against the base of Cas’ stomach and curled in closer, not caring how needy of a movement that was. He had four days...  _ four days _ to try and convince Cas to stay. No matter what, Dean needed to shove down his damn insecurities and embarrassment and show Cas what he really meant to him before it was too late. “Just tell me what you need from me, Cas. Tell me how to convince you this is still worth it.”

“I just need us to talk more. We need to communicate better... would you be willing to try one last thing with me?”

He’d try a hundred more things if he knew it would work. “Course, Cas.” Dean tilted his head back to look up and meet Cas’ eyes. “What is it?”

“I’d like to sit back to back and talk. We can still feel the physical touch we crave, but the fact that we can’t see emotions on the other’s face might help us learn to use words in the way we mean them. I don’t know if it will help, but I’d like to try.”

Dean actually didn’t hate the idea - it would probably be a lot easier to talk about his feelings if he could pretend no one was actually listening. He nodded, smiling just a little at the comment Cas made about physical touch. He really did crave it - five minutes with his head in Cas’ lap felt better than he’d have thought possible. “Sure. We can try it. You wanna do it now?”

“Yeah, sure. Would you prefer chairs back to back or on the floor? How would you be more comfortable?”

“Floor. Wanna actually be able to feel you.” Dean closed his eyes for a brief moment and reluctantly got up, taking a second to stretch before sitting down on the living room floor with his legs outstretched. 

Cas leaned down and kissed his head, then sat down with their backs flush. “Okay. I want us both to keep an open mind here and try hard not to get angry or annoyed. If we feel those emotions, let’s express them. And be completely honest. I think we need to remember that we are both entitled to our own feelings.”

This was sounding an awful lot like a shitty way to spend an afternoon, but Dean would play as many of Cas’ little games as needed to win him back for good. “Got it. So… what do we do? Ask questions, ramble? Somethin’ else?”

“Anything and everything. Can I ask you something to start?”

“Shoot.”

“Why do you believe I am the one?”

Dean shifted, noting every centimeter of contact between their shoulder blades. The question caught him off guard, but it was something he’d thought about a million times. “Cause you make even the shittiest days better. You’re selfless and kind and funny even though you don’t mean to be.” His cheeks burned red, but not being able to see Cas actually did help. “You’re commanding and helpful and patient… you’re everything I’m not. I know I took you for granted when I had you… but when you were gone? Bein’ with someone else never even crossed my mind.”

Cas moved slightly, but didn’t pull away, it felt almost as if he was trying to be closer. “Thank you. I... know you didn’t want to take me for granted, Dean. I know things changed, but I know you never meant to hurt me... and I never meant to hurt you, but me just leaving? That hurt you. And I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it did. But you were right. I pulled away, I wasn’t givin’ you a damn reason to stay. I don’t even know why you’re still here now. Again…” Dean pushed his palms flat against the carpet at his sides and dug his fingers in. “I’m not givin’ you much of a reason to stay.”

“You are. During this month, you reminded me of all the reasons I love you. Ask me something... anything.” Dean felt his head turn to the side but he stayed put.

Dean’s mind immediately jumped to the one question he’d never gotten around to asking out loud. “Why’d you really come here? Be honest. When I told you I wanted you to move back in, you basically told me to fuck off.”

Cas huffed a small laugh at Dean’s choice of words and then cleared his throat. “I missed you. I went home that night and couldn’t shake the idea of living with you again. I regretted leaving every single day, and knew it was just me running away without truly trying to fix anything, and I knew we deserved more than that. So... I came. Trying to right my wrong.”

“So it wasn’t cause I told you that was the only way I’d sign the papers?” Hope kindled in a forgotten corner of Dean’s chest, and he turned his head to the side to listen closer. 

“No. That didn’t mean anything. I could easily dispute that in court, sweetheart.” Cas chuckled. “I wanted to try again, and I didn’t do a very good job. I’m sorry.”

He nodded unseen, moving his arms back slightly to feel more of Cas. Dean clenched his jaw, holding off on his next question. “Your turn.”

It took him a while to speak, but when he did, he caught Dean by surprise again. “Did you ever regret falling for me?”

“Not for a damn minute. The only thing I regretted was waiting until you were bleeding out to tell you.” He laughed quietly, almost bitterly - rephrasing the same question. “How many times did  _ you  _ regret falling for  _ me?” _

“I never regretted it. I loved you long before you told me you felt the same. I never thought I’d be on your radar, Dean. I was Sir Jorah Mormont level friendzoned.”

“Pffft.” Dean scoffed with a smile. “Did you just Thrones me? That also makes me the crazy bitch in this scenario, you know that, right?” 

“Yes, I absolutely know that, and I stand by my statement.” Cas chuckled. “Poor Jorah was very, very friendzoned. But to get back on the subject before we debate Game of Thrones, I loved you a very long time and never once regretted you. I regretted certain ways we handled situations, but never you.”

That made sense to Dean - even the Daenarys comparison. “Yeah, we coulda handled a lotta things better. But it’s my turn again, since I basically stole your question last time.” He took a deep breath and tipped his head back against Cas’. “You said a few days ago that you’ve still got a tough decision on your hands. Can I ask between what? I thought I knew, but I’m startin’ to get the feeling that I’m an idiot. I’m actually Jon Snow here, not Dany - I know nothing.”

Cas laughed and Dean felt his head drop to his chest. “I think we’re both having a lot of Jon Snow moments, Dean. And I... I would prefer not to say, if that is okay with you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

_ Too fuckin’ late.  _ Dean leaned forward until only the smalls of their backs were touching and all humor drained from his voice. “Yeah, course. You don’t have to answer. But I think that means you gotta ask two.”

“Um... okay.” Cas moved, his body searching for more Dean. “First question, are you still angry with me for leaving?”

He contemplated that for a couple of minutes, reminding himself that Cas said to be honest and they were allowed to feel however they felt. “Yeah. I am. But… not as mad as I am at myself for lettin’ you. You mighta left, but I sure as shit didn’t try to stop you.”

“And why didn’t you?” Dean felt his head turn to the side again.

He licked his lip and closed his eyes. “Cause, Cas. Much like Dany never deserved Jorah… I never deserved you. When you decided you had enough, I let you go cause I figured you’d be better off. Just didn’t realize I was too damn selfish to follow through to home plate.” Dean paused, letting Cas process that. “But that still doesn’t count as your second, it was an extension of the first.”

“Okay.” Cas exhaled slowly. “Dean... why do you feel you don’t deserve my love?”

There wasn’t a second’s hesitation in his answer. “Cause I never earned it. Or, if I did… I stopped tryin’ to keep it. You said it yourself, April was better. __ She talked to you, communicated. Probably listened to you talk about the shit you care about with more than a passing interest. She made the effort. And you deserve effort, Cas. You’re the best human being I’ve ever met, and I’m… me. I’m selfish and crass and impatient. I take shit for granted all the damn time. And that included you.”

“Well, how about you stop feeling that way so someone can love you, Dean. How can you accept love if you don’t accept the fact that you’re  _ worthy  _ of love?”

_ Cause I’m fuckin’ broken, Cas. Aren’t you listening?  _ The fact that Cas didn’t deny his comments about April and said ‘someone’ instead of ‘I’ didn’t escape him, but with only a couple of days left, he didn’t know what else to do. His chest tightened, and he realized he didn’t think he could handle any more questions. “Can we be done, Cas? Just for now? I need a break.”

“Yes.” Cas stood up and walked toward the room without looking back. 

As with everything else, Dean felt the loss immediately. He laid back, flat on the ground, and stared up at the ceiling with his arms splayed out next to him. He stayed there for a few minutes and then pushed himself to his feet, walking into the bedroom. “I’m tired. Nap with me?”

“Okay, Dean.” Cas walked out of the bathroom, still dabbing his face with a towel and climbed into bed. “Can I hold you?”

He followed quickly, nodding and dipping down to kiss the corner of Cas’ mouth gently before settling down next to him. They shifted together until Dean could feel him across almost every inch of his body, and it sent a reluctant warmth through his bones. “C’mon, angel. I’d never say no to this.”

**~~~~**

Dean woke up with a fear in his chest that had nothing to do with nightmares. This was something worse, because it was his reality. He looked over at Cas and hitched a breath.  _ Last day I get to wake up to this. Maybe ever.  _

Reaching over, Dean ran his fingertips lightly over Cas’ jaw and hummed quietly. Cas stirred slightly, turning his face into Dean’s touch and nuzzling into it. His hands reached out, seemingly of their own accord, and pulled Dean in closer. “Morning, sweetheart.”

His heart nearly broke at the sleepy, raspy affection in Cas’ voice. Dean flattened himself against Cas and kissed the bottom of his chin, then his neck. “Mornin’, angel.” 

“Mmm... more.” Cas’ hands roamed gently down Dean’s back to cup his ass as his lips upturned and he bared his neck.

Dean might be scared to death, but he wasn’t an idiot. If Cas was offering, Dean would take whatever the hell he could get. He shifted to fully straddle Cas, licking a line up his neck and biting down as he rolled his hips. “Tell me what you want,  _ Officer.” _

Cas’ fingers danced around his thighs and hips, “mmm... ride me, sweetheart. I miss you riding me so bad it hurts.” His eyes were still closed, making Dean nervous, but he hoped the pet name was something only they shared, and Cas was awake enough to know who he was talking to.

“You got it, boss.” Dean’s cock twitched and thickened just thinking about it as he leaned over, fumbling with the drawer next to the bed to get the lube. He righted himself, slicking his own fingers and sliding his length against Cas’ stomach as he started fingering himself, quietly moaning Cas’ name. 

Cas spread his cheeks for him with his bottom lip between his teeth. His eyes finally opened and he watched Dean like he was the best thing he’d ever seen. “So beautiful.”

The praise made his entire body blush and he knew it. Dean could feel the heat spreading throughout his limbs and slid another finger into himself, rocking back down on it as he bit his lip.  _ C’mon, Dean. Give him a reason to stay… last chance.  _

He moved almost too quickly, and definitely wasn’t nearly as stretched out as he would’ve been if he’d let Cas open him up - but part of him did that on purpose. If this was going to be the last time Cas ever fucked him, he wanted to feel it for as long as possible. Dean groaned as he pulled his fingers out, then slicked Cas’ cock, squeezing until Cas was rolling his hips up. 

“Dean... I need you.” Cas released his ass and pulled him down into a heated kiss, rutting up into him without any rhyme or rhythm.

Letting out a whine, Dean met the kiss and reached behind him to grip Cas’ cock again and line it up. Cas thrust up and pressed in, knocking the breath out of Dean’s lungs and making it hard to focus. He held his cheek against Cas’ and fisted one hand in Cas’ hair as he bottomed out.  _ Fuck fuck fuck -  _ “Cas! So damn full.” 

The pain from not being fully prepped was delicious, and the sounds coming out of Cas were even better. Dean sucked a light bruise on his neck and then pushed himself up to a sitting position, sucking in a breath at the change in angle. He glided his hips forward experimentally, slowly, taking every inch of Cas until he felt like he was actually being split open. 

Cas stared up with eyes so blown with lust the beautiful blue that haunted Dean’s dreams was hardly visible. He wrapped his large hand around Dean’s cock and stroked slowly, keeping pace with his hip movements.

It was enough to spur Dean on, and he shifted himself so he could fuck himself on Cas’ cock and his fist. Dean became a mess quickly; sweaty, flushed, and punching out a series of breathy moans. He lifted up and slammed himself down a few times, then swatted Cas’ hand away. “Don’t need it, gonna c— fuck.” 

“Gonna come on my cock, baby? Come for me sweetheart.” Cas’ bit his lip and watched Dean intently, his hands on his hips with a bruising grip.

Dean bit his bottom lip and tipped his head back, grunting every time his ass smacked against Cas’ body until he was coming hard, gasping Cas’ name over and over until he was empty. His movements became erratic, but Dean kept going, desperate to feel Cas come inside of him even though every muscle in his body was shaking. “Fuck, fill me up, angel. Please!”

“Dean!” Cas called and slammed up into him, filling him up as he thrust harder and harder, as though Cas wanted his come deep inside him.

He was a boneless, grunting mess by the time Cas finally stilled. It was better than he could’ve hoped for, but it was over way too damn quick considering the fact that it might be the last time ever. Dean leaned down, kissing Cas gently and whispering against his lips, “Please don’t forget I love you.”

“I could never.” Cas wrapped his arms around him and released a shaky breath. “I love you too, Dean.” He sniffled, but didn’t let Dean move out of his grip to see his face.

_ Fuck. Please don’t be cryin’ because you’re leavin’. Fucking  _ **_please._ ** Dean buried his face in Cas’ neck and planted a kiss there, sliding both of his arms underneath Cas so he was suctioned to him like a damn starfish. He bit back all of the stupid things that were threatening to spill out of his mouth and tried to relax. 

He could feel when Cas had calmed down enough to loosen his grip, but he still fought the urge to look at him.  _ What if this is the last time we’re ever this close? _

Eventually though, nature won out and Dean had to move. He cleaned up quickly and met Cas out in the kitchen. “Folgers got it wrong, coffee’s the  _ second  _ best part of wakin’ up.”

Cas’ smile was small, but it was something. “I agree. Are you sore?” He walked over and rubbed Dean’s ass softly.

“Yeah,” Dean nodded. “But I wanted it that way. Y’know… just… in case.” He turned slightly to catch Cas’ eye and kissed him quickly, determined to make the day as normal as possible.  _ Maybe if I just don’t remind him, he won’t leave.  _

Cas kissed back and didn’t comment on the slip. “Let me take care of you today. Will you take a bath after coffee?”

Under normal circumstances, Dean would’ve laughed at the idea. But if this was Cas’ way of saying goodbye, of giving him one last good day… Dean would do whatever the hell Cas asked. He nodded, a little uncertain. “Yeah, long as you come with me.”

“Yes, of course...” Cas cupped his chin. “Thank you.” He pressed their lips together and then walked over to the couch as Dean fixed his coffee and took a sip. 

He found himself watching Cas, all of his subtle little movements and curves of his body. He was still breathtaking in the purest of forms, and because of that, Dean was finding it hard to get enough oxygen. When they finished their coffee, Dean cleared his throat and nodded to the bathroom door. “Should I…?”

“Yes, I’ll go get it ready.” Cas kissed his forehead and walked to the oversized bath to start the water, and Dean stripped right there in the living room before heading in naked. 

Cas had put bubbles by that point and looked up at Dean in awe. “I don’t know how I ever got you, Dean. You’re gorgeous from head to toe.”

He stepped in gingerly, keeping his eyes on the water instead of Cas. “You got me cause you’re everything I coulda ever asked for and then some. And Cas…” Dean sank into the tub slow enough that he barely disturbed the water. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Cas blushed and slid out of his clothes. “Thank you, Dean.” He climbed inside and pulled Dean against his chest.

Dean relaxed against him and closed his eyes, letting his hands drop under the suds to rest on Cas’ thighs. “Want me to cook tonight, or should we go somewhere?”

“Let’s cook and stay home. In our comfiest pajamas.” Cas kissed his head four times and then laid his head back.

He nodded a little, relaxing into the water and tracing little shapes over the inside of Cas’ thigh. Dean wanted to simply come out and ask if Cas was staying, it was burning on his tongue and dying to come out - but he could see Cas’ negative reaction to that question in his mind as clearly as if it were actually happening.  _ Nah. For once, I’m gonna shut my damn pie hole.  _ He turned his head and smiled softly. “Kiss me, angel.” 

Cas hummed and pressed their lips together gently. He pulled away, smiled, and then kissed again, this time with a little more heat as he slid his tongue inside Dean’s mouth.

Dean’s cock thickened in the water until the tip was peeking out through the bubbles. He sighed against Cas’ lips and squeezed his thigh, craning his neck to deepen the kiss. 

Their eyes were closed, but he felt Cas’ hand slide over to grip the head of his cock loosely and play with the bubbles around it. Dean’s hand slid up to the back of Cas’ head and he tugged his hair gently, keeping his hips still and only taking what he was offered. 

He broke the kiss but stayed close. “Feels good, angel.”

“You always feel good, sweetheart.” Cas smiled and kissed him again. “Let me suck you off and then we’ll go back to relaxing. Stand up for me, sweetheart.”

Standing was awkward, and the water rushing down his body tickled a little bit. Dean turned slowly to face Cas, looking around for something to grip onto but finding nothing.  _ Shit. Yeah, let’s end this month with an ICU trip. _

“You can hang onto my hair.” Cas grinned and stroked Dean lazily, removing all the bubbles and then slid him down his throat.

By the time Dean was pulling Cas’ hair and coming with a shaky moan, he had a really, really stupid idea. Cas pulled off with a smirk and Dean carefully got to his knees, scooting back in the tub and running his hand over the surface of the water to clear the bubbles. As he thought, Cas was hard as a rock, so Dean sucked in a breath and dove under, licking a line up his shaft. 

He couldn’t hear well, but he was sure Cas growled above the water and then he bucked up into Dean’s mouth as his hand gripped his hair.

Dean immediately regretted the decision, water flooded his nose and he was uncomfortable as hell - but he was determined to give Cas something to remember. He sucked hard, only coming up for air when he absolutely needed to. But Dean was getting a little desperate, he pressed the pad of his finger to the spot behind Cas’ balls that felt a little like prostate play and took him all the way in, grinding his face against Cas’ pelvis and flexing his throat out of pure survival instinct.

Cas’ fist tightened in his hair as he spilled down his throat and lifted him off. “That was... different. Are you okay?” He touched his face softly.

“Different?” Dean gasped, gripping the side of the tub. “I about friggin drown suckin’ you off and the best you come up with is  _ different?” _

Cas chuckled. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way, Dean. I enjoyed it, but I was still worried about you. That had to be uncomfortable. Thank you.”

Grumbling, Dean turned around and relaxed against Cas again as his breathing started to settle. “I know better than to trust my own judgement when my dick is anywhere near you, but here we are.” He grinned, laughing quietly. “Shit, my nose is burning. Pretty sure I snorted bubble bath.”

Cas reached around and squeezed his nose playfully. “You’re very talented, Dean. You can add that to your resume.”

The only resume where that kind of skill set would be useful would be for dating, and he wouldn’t need to date if Cas was sticking around. His stomach dropped uncomfortably and he shifted slightly, sitting up fully again and starting to clean himself without responding. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Cas asked as he reached out to take over with the washcloth. “It was a joke, I know you’d never leave the garage, and if you did,  _ that _ wouldn’t be on your resume.”

Dean shook his head and gallic shrugged, seeing no reason to argue about it. Cas seemed to understand that if there  _ was  _ something else behind Dean’s silence, that wasn’t the time to talk about it.

The rest of the day went by faster than should’ve been allowed by nature, and even though they were up late, Cas eventually announced it was time for bed. 

Panic spiked through Dean and he held out a hand to stop his husband, desperate to stretch things out just a few more minutes. “No, wait. Can we just… can you just sit for a minute?”

“Of course.” Cas sat down on the couch and held out his arms. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

“Nah.” Dean climbed onto Cas’ lap and flicked his eyes between those oceans of blue. “Think I’ve said pretty much everything I know how to say, y’know? I just…” He reached up, brushing his thumb gently over the curve of Cas’ jaw and smiled sadly. “Just wanna remember this, y’know? Remember you, everything about you.”  _ Just in case.  _

He studied everything; the way Cas’ nostrils flared out, the bags under his eyes. The creases in his lips that never seemed to have enough moisture. The soft way his tongue peeked out to wet those lips. Dean’s fingers tiptoed over Cas’ crows feet found themselves tangling in the soft, short waves of hair. Cas smelled amazing, and Dean carefully laid himself down and nestled against Cas’ neck. 

Every inch of them that touched felt alive, hot, like somehow Dean’s body knew it might be the last time. He clamped his eyes shut and tried to commit it all to memory as Cas’ arms wrapped tightly around him, like he, too, was afraid that if he let go, all would be lost. 

_ This  _ would be lost. 

_ They _ would be lost. 

It wasn’t clear how long Cas allowed Dean to stay in the safety of his arms, but eventually, they were both too exhausted to stay awake. They made their way to the bedroom, exchanging sleepy, loaded kisses until they were collapsing on the bed and doing their best to get so close they were practically one. 

Dean used the fear gripping his chest to fight sleep for as long as he could, instead choosing to mumble quietly to a dozed-off Cas. “I know it’s time. I know you’re leavin’ in the morning, and I still don’t know if you’re comin’ back or not. I’m scared to death, Cas. I’m so fuckin’ scared that you’ll leave and figure out that I ain’t worth it. But I love you with everything I got, and if that isn’t enough… then I hope you find a way to be happy.” He placed one, final kiss to Cas’ forehead, and let his exhaustion drag him under. 

When he woke up in the morning, every trace of his husband was gone from the house, except for one, single note placed delicately on Cas’ pillow. Dean picked it up like it was a bomb, reading the three words that did absolutely nothing to stem the tears budding in his eyes. 

**_I love you._ **

**~~~~**

_ Okay. Don’t panic. Maybe he’s just… out for coffee. Or going home to get his shit. He loves me, things have been getting better. He’ll be back… he has to come back. _

Dean went about his morning like everything was fine, despite the budding pit of despair in his gut. He waited until after he’d had breakfast, mowed the grass, and cooked enough lunch for both of them just to end up overeating when Cas still didn’t show to start actually panicking. 

_ No. He’s coming back, damnit. He has to, I’ll just… call him to clear things up.  _ Dean chewed his lip to the point it was actually sore and then dialed his husband, staring up at the ceiling and praying to a god he still didn’t believe in that he’d answer. 

“Dean, this isn’t a good time.”

_ Are you fucking kidding me?  _ “What does that even mean, ‘not a good time’? You leave a note that says ‘I love you’ and then disappear without a word. Look, just tell me you’re comin’ back.”

Cas was silent for a moment, and Dean could hear someone else in the background. Someone  _ female.  _ Cas’ voice sounded strained and almost annoyed when he finally responded. “As I stated, Dean. This isn’t a good time, I’ll call you later.”

“Cas, wait - is that Ap-” the line went dead and Dean stared at the home screen on his phone, the apps almost mocking him.  _ He left me and went straight back to her. Didn’t even give it a fucking day. Jesus Christ… did this not mean anything to him?  _

After that, things got decidedly worse. Dean went back to work the next day and had to tell Bobby that his month long vacation was for nothing. His voice was thick and it took damn near everything in him not to lose his shit as he tried to explain what happened, but the truth was, Dean didn’t have a clue. 

He’d played all of Cas’ games, he’d used his words, tried not to overreact… Dean thought he’d been attentive and caring and a decent husband for the first time in his life, but maybe he’d been wrong. 

The rest of the week was a blur. Dean did his job to the best of his ability and then went home each night and tried to drink himself to death, but never quite succeeded. He ignored calls from everyone, Jask, Ares -  _ how’d that asshole get my number anyway? Damnit, Jask. _ His family, too, not that they spoke a whole lot, anyway. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to them, more like every time his phone rang and it  _ wasn’t _ Cas, his heart broke a little more.

By that weekend, Jask and Ares had come to the conclusion that Dean shouldn’t be left alone, and honestly, it wasn’t a bad call. Dean was drunk by noon, with every intention of being passed out by dinner time. 

Jask was so pissed at him when they arrived that  _ Ares  _ was the one to throw Dean in the shower, which was a little inappropriate and a lot offensive. “Get offa me, I’m fine. Can’t a man have a drink on a Saturday in the comfort of his own home?”

“A drink? Sure. A bottle? No,” Ares deadpanned. “Just let me help, please. You’re bigger than me and this is hard.”

Dean felt like he was about to throw up that entire bottle right into the drain, and standing was suddenly hard thanks to the fact that the walls wouldn’t stand still. “Yeah, whatever. Hands off the merch, though. I know I’m bigger than Jask, but -”  _ fuck, here it co-  _

He slipped as he vomited, his knee smacking painfully against the tub floor. 

“Ugh.” Ares stood there awkwardly, like he was unsure of how to help. “Feel any better?” He moved the water nozzle and helped wash the mess down.

“Yeah,” Dean coughed. “Right as rain.” He stood shakily, grabbing the detachable shower head back from Ares and pointing it directly into his mouth with his tongue hanging out.

“Want me to grab your toothbrush?” Ares watched with a look Dean hated to his core - pity.

“No.” Dean put the shower head back where it belonged and closed the curtain. “I want you to get the hell outta my bathroom, I’ll be done in a bit.”

“Fine.” Ares turned without a look back and stormed off. He vaguely heard him yell something to Jask, but the water muffled his words.

_ Let’s pretend that’s not going in the top ten most embarrassing moments of my fucking life.  _ Dean slid down slowly, letting the cool water sober him up a little bit.  _ This kinda shit is exactly why Cas doesn’t wanna come back. I took two steps forward and about eighty back.  _

The water turned cold way too soon, so Dean hastily cleaned himself up and got out, drying off and thoroughly brushing his teeth. Since he wasn’t sure what the hell Ares had done with his clothes, Dean walked out naked and wet. “Couldn’t even leave me a goddamn towel?”

“Sorry. I forgot when you yelled at me.” Ares crossed his arms and pointedly looked away.

Jask scoffed and walked over with the towel Ares had draped over the couch. “We aren’t leaving, so might as well get used to us. Put your dick away, my baby doesn’t wanna see that.”

“You’re in  _ my  _ house, I’ll have my dick out if I want to.” He realized immediately how childish and stupid that was, and snatched the towel to wrap around his waist. “Gimme five minutes. Put on some damn coffee if you’re not gonna leave.” Dean made his way to his room and dressed quickly but comfortably, then waited until he could hear the sputtering of the coffee pot finishing up before he headed back out there. 

Ares was standing next to the coffee maker pouring a cup for Dean while Jask stood braced against the counter. “D... talk to us.”

“Bout what? I tried, he left. End of story.” Dean leaned against the counter and took a slow sip, hating how it tasted thanks to the toothpaste. “I’m still goin’ to work and doing my damn job, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“Cas left, so you just think no one else loves you? We do. Bobby does. Sam. We  _ all _ care about you and are worried, ya dick.” Jask plopped up on the countertop. “We just wanna help.”

The insinuation that he needed help at all pissed him off. “I’m fine. So I’ve had a few drinks this week. I’ll get over it, Jask.”

His best friend gave him a look that suggested he saw right through him. “You mean like you got over it last time?”

_ Fuck.  _ “Look, I gave this shit everything I had. I’ve never tried so hard in my goddamn life, and it still wasn’t good enough. I still wasn’t good enough. Forgive me for takin’ a few days to be fuckin’ sad about it.”

“You’re allowed to be sad,” Ares piped up, holding out a hand for Dean. “You should be able to have a few days, regardless of what everyone thinks and says. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Have you talked to him?”

The validation was almost even worse. “Nah. Not since the day he left. I called, and I could hear April in the background. He hung up on me.” Dean stared down at his cup, ignoring Ares’ outstretched hand. “Said it wasn’t a good time, but he never called me back… and I’m done begging.”

“Didn’t he specifically say you didn’t stop him the last time? What if it was a test?” 

“Then fuck that guy!” Jask hopped off the counter.

Dean, for once, was of a mind to agree with Jaskier. “If it  _ is  _ a test, that’s kinda fucked up. He knew how bad I was struggling those last couple of days.” But the more he thought about it, the more Ares’ words made sense. “Should I try callin’ him again?”

“Yeah, I mean. What’s the worst that can happen? He tells you he can’t do this and you're sad, or you sit in limbo and you're sad. Maybe this will give closure or something? I don’t know. If it  _ is _ a test, yes, that is fucked up... but people do crazy things when they’re hurt.”

_ I’m fucking hurt, and yet I try to do somethin’ pretty on par for my general personality and I get thrown an intervention.  _ “Yeah, guess you’re right.” Dean fished his phone off of the coffee table and walked into the living room, dialing Cas’ number. 

His friends stayed in the kitchen. They were close enough to hear, but far enough to give space and it would have to be enough. To his surprise, Cas answered on the second ring. “Hello, Dean.”

Hearing Cas’ voice was bittersweet. On one hand, it hurt like hell, but on the other it was smoothing out some of the rougher parts of Dean. “Hey, Cas. Sorry to bug you, I uh... wanted to tell you that you forgot somethin’ here.”

“Did I? I’m sure it’s fine. H-How are you?” Cas asked in a hesitant voice.

Dean let the ghost of a heartbroken smile play across his lips.  _ Me, you ass. You forgot  _ **_me._ ** _ _ “I’m gonna be honest, Cas. Not great. How are you?”

“Not great. Been really busy trying to sort things back at work. Sorry I haven’t had a chance to call.”

“So what happens now? You just… go back to April like this month never happened?” Dean was proud of the quietness in his voice, he’d been expecting anger. 

“What? I didn’t go back to April, Dean. That relationship was over the moment I chose to go back to you. I don’t know what happens now, I felt this time apart was necessary for us after basically quarantining together. We have to be sure. I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to express that and felt it was best if I just left while I figured it out.”

Dean wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse. He would absolutely still be in limbo, but at least it wasn’t a ‘no’. “I’m sure now, Cas. As sure as I’ve ever been.”

“Even now?” Cas asked, and Dean couldn’t pinpoint the emotions. “Even after everything that got us here, you’d still choose me?”

There was only one answer to that question. “Course I would. You’re the love of my damn life, Cas. I don’t care what we go through or who else comes along. I’d rather have you.”

Cas got quiet for longer than Dean was comfortable with but he waited patiently. “Thank you. Dean, I’m actually on duty. Can I give you a call back? I... I’ll call.”

His heart sank, knowing Cas wouldn’t. “Course. Be safe, okay? I love you.”

“I love you too, Dean. Please take care.”  _ Click.  _

Ares walked over and sat on the couch, watching Dean with a sad expression. Dean clutched his phone and did his best to ignore both him and Jask. 

“I’m fine, okay? I’m fine. Maybe for once in my damn life, I should just trust him.”

“Want to order pizza and watch some old movies, D?” Jask walked over and sat next to Ares, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

He nodded mutely, honestly not really caring what happened. Without Cas, the whole damn world seemed grey. He didn’t want to be awake, didn’t want to go to sleep. Dean didn’t want to do anything other than get in his Impala and drive to wherever Cas was. 

But Cas was right. Time apart after being stuck together for a month would tell them both what they truly wanted. Dean already knew, but if this was what Cas needed… Dean would deal.

It took less than an hour for Dean to fall asleep on the couch, and he woke up to Jask and Ares gently telling him to go to bed. They half carried him there, and his last thought before letting sleep take him again was that Cas wasn’t the only one Dean had been taking for granted. 

One way or the other, when Dean woke up… he was going to do whatever he had to in order to be better every day. 

For everyone. 

**~~~~**

For the second time in six months, Dean stood in front of a mirror in the fanciest restaurant he’d ever set foot inside of, nervously shucking back his hair in an effort to make it look a little less unkempt. Yet again, he would have allowed at least a half an hour to make himself look presentable - but this was short notice; and when the husband that you’ve been busting your ass to reconcile with calls out of the blue and asks you to dinner... you simply can’t say no. 

You get your ass off your couch, put on your best jeans, and hightail it to wherever the hell he wants you to go without asking questions or stopping to primp.  _ He always liked me messy, anyway.  _

Determined not to be late, Dean had gotten to the restaurant a full hour early. This time, he was prepared for the fact that the hostesses weren’t even seating people yet, and went over on his own to wait by the bar. 

“Just a water, please.” Whiskey was tempting, but he’d quit drinking entirely in the three months since their quarantine experiment and wasn’t about to screw it up, no matter how sharp the edge was. 

When the bartender handed him the glass, he sipped it slowly, thinking back on all the progress they’d made in the last couple of months. Dean still wasn’t sure what to expect, but they’d talked frequently and never went to sleep without saying ’I love you’.

In Dean’s mind, it was already better than the last few years of their marriage. Cas hadn’t been wrong, somewhere along the way, they’d lost the simple things like that.  _ Not anymore.  _ Dean was  _ convinced  _ that Cas brought him there to get back together, and Dean would make sure they never took the simple things for granted again. 

He checked his watch periodically and drank so much water he had to pee twice before he finally started coming to the conclusion that Cas wasn’t coming. Couples flitted their way in and out of the restaurant, stomachs and hearts full, while Dean continued to sit alone. He knew the moment it started raining, because it could be heard echoing off the roof and the patrons started coming in with flushed faces and large umbrellas.  _ Awesome. Now I get to do a walk of shame out of here soaking wet… and I just had Baby’s interior cleaned.  _

“Would you like another water?” 

The bartender’s words snapped Dean out of his inner grumblings and he shook his head, throwing down some cash to tip him for putting up with him all night. “Nah. I uh… don’t think I’ll be here much longer.” He checked his phone to see no new messages, and decided to try calling just once. 

It went straight to voicemail. 

Hopelessness threatened to drag him under, and Dean made a beeline for the door before he could lose his shit in a public place. He felt the rain smacking his cheeks and considered running to the car, but if he was being honest with himself, the rain felt good. Fitting, almost.  _ This is like every sad fuckin’ movie ever. ‘Cept in the movies, the guy always stops the girl before she gets to the car, or the plane, or whatever. This shit ain’t the movies.  _

He was so far in his own mind that he barely heard someone calling his name. He was just about to open the door to the Impala when the word registered to him, and he turned quickly, knowing that voice anywhere. 

The rain made it hard to see much of anything, but the reflective strips on Cas’ uniform shone out like beacons in the middle of a storm. “Cas?!”  _ Maybe it  _ **_is_ ** _ the movies.  _

“Dean!” Cas ran up and stopped in front of him. “You’re all wet.” He held his hand over Dean’s face to block the rain. “I’m sorry I’m late. I didn’t expect to get held up at the station and my damn phone died. Are you leaving?”

Between the pounding of the rain and his own heart, Dean was surprised he could hear anything at all. “Guess that depends, Cas. You here to tell me you’re comin’ home, or you here to get me to sign those papers?” 

Cas frowned and retracted his hand to reach in his jacket pocket. He pulled out a thick folded stack and the sound of rain slapping against the papers echoed in Dean’s ears as he unfolded them.

Panic and pain settled deep within Dean and tears welled in his eyes. “Cas, you can’t… you can’t be serious.”  _ Please don’t make me sign them. Fuck, I’ve tried so goddamn hard.  _

Cas met his eyes and shook his head. “No, Dean. Wait...” He pulled out a lighter and tried over and over to get a spark. “Goddammit. This was supposed to be poetic.”

Dean would’ve laughed if he wasn’t still so fucking terrified. “Cas! Water and fire don’t mix, just… what are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” Cas slid the lighter in his pocket and began shredding the papers as fast as he could. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left you.”

Letting out something he’d never admit was a sob, Dean watched the tattered remains of his divorce papers fall to the ground in soggy, pathetic heaps, and then launched himself at Cas. “Oh, thank god.” He pulled him in, kissing him messily, knowing it wasn’t physically possible to get as close to Cas as he wanted to be in that moment.

Cas kissed back with the same intensity, moving to press Dean against the Impala and kicking his boot to the side to slide his leg between Dean’s. 

Cas’ growl could be heard over the rain, and Dean realized he wasn’t the only one who needed more. They weren’t going to make it home. 

Even without the downpour, that measly lighter’s flame would’ve been no match for the inferno between them, and Dean desperately reached for the buttons on Cas’ uniform. “Off. Fuck, I need you.”

“Need you, too. Come here.” Cas took a step back and grabbed Dean’s hand, pulling him toward the alleyway. “I just littered those papers, and now I’m going to fuck you against this wall. Guess I’m done being a cop.” 

It was the Policeman’s Ball all over again, but this time they were outside and drenched to the bone. When Dean’s back hit the wall, his hands dipped down to Cas’ pants and he started working on his zipper. “Not done. Just pretend you’re arresting me if anyone comes over.” 

“No... today was my last day. I quit. But I still have my handcuffs.” Cas flipped Dean around and pressed his chest to his back while he reached around to unbuckle Dean’s pants.

Sheer lust had Dean’s dick nearly bursting out of his jeans by the time Cas was shoving them down to his thighs. Getting pinned to  _ anything _ by Cas was hotter than hell, but adding in the public setting, the uniform, and the prospect of cuffs was too damn much.  _ And he quit?  _ “Wait, so… you’ll be safe? You really quit?”

“Yes. Unless the bees try to kill me, but we’ll talk about that later.” Cas was fumbling around behind him and then suddenly a slick finger was pressing against Dean’s hole. “I almost didn’t bring lube, but I was hoping...”

_ Bees? What… Cain?  _ Dean shook his head quickly, not wanting to think about that at the moment. He spread his legs further and braced his hands on the wall on either side of his head, rocking back on Cas’ finger. “M’all yours, Cas. Fuck, anywhere, you know that.”

“Mmm... mine.” Cas shoved his finger in more aggressively and bit down on his neck. “I’ve missed you so much. I didn’t even jack off without you.”

Dean barked a breathy laugh that was probably too loud for their surroundings. “Shit, I haven’t either. So damn hard for you right now.” He moaned as Cas opened him up further and reached around with his other hand to stroke Dean’s leaking cock. 

“I might have to make you come before I even fuck you, hm, sweetheart?”

The shivers racing down his spine had little to do with the cool rain and everything to do with Cas owning every inch of him. Dean let out a needy, desperate moan and dragged his nails down the brick wall as he pushed back, now taking three of Cas’ thick, perfect fingers. “Ahh, shit, yeah! Should I still call you Officer,  _ Officer?” _

Cas gripped the base of his cock tightly and rutted against him with a grunt. “Yes.” He started stroking again, sucking on the side of Dean’s neck while scissoring his tight hole.

It was clear quickly that Dean wouldn’t be lasting very long. He kept his palms flat against the wall and rolled his hips, getting louder by the second. “Ah, fuu- can I come, Officer?”

Cas didn’t answer for several seconds as he ran his fingers along Dean’s prostate. “Yes... come, sweetheart.” He bit down on Dean’s shoulder and continued stroking.

Just those few moments had Dean teetering right on the edge, but the painful pleasure exploding under his skin had him painting those bricks white, the evidence almost immediately washed away as his knees threatened to buckle. 

“Good boy.” Cas stroked a couple more times and then pulled out his fingers. Dean could hear him lubing up that thick, beautiful cock seconds before he was pushing the head inside. “Oh, fuck... Dean.” He pressed inside until he was completely bottomed out and then began fidgeting behind him. 

Suddenly, Cas gripped Dean’s hands and pinned them behind his back. “You have the right to remain silent...” He felt the cool metal of Cas’ cuffs against his wrists just before he heard the clicking. “But I would prefer if you didn’t.” He pushed Dean over further and started fucking into him while gripping the handcuffs, and Dean wouldn’t have been able to remain silent if someone paid him in pie. 

It felt better than anything ever had in his recallable memory, and the constant assault on his prostate had Dean coming a second time before Cas was even close to finishing. His body was buzzing like fire and electricity were trying to bond in his veins, and after one particularly powerful thrust, Dean moaned so loudly someone actually walked around the corner. 

Cas stopped his hips and turned towards the noise of the intruder’s footsteps. “Police business! Walk away, civilian.” 

His voice was so commanding, whoever it was didn’t stand a damn chance, and they left much quicker than they came. 

Cas began fucking him relentlessly as he chased his own release. “You almost got us in trouble.” Dean heard the snap of Cas’ baton opening and then it was being shoved between his teeth. “Keep it down, baby. I need to fill this beautiful ass up.”

Dean was a goner. His cock was uselessly trying to harden for a third time, bouncing and smacking against his thigh with each hard, punishing thrust. His lips strained around the baton and he bit down more fiercely to stifle his grunts, but it didn’t do much good. The world started to get a little hazy as Cas split him open over and over again, and Dean splayed his cuffed hands over his own ass to spread himself further. 

“Dean!” Cas called as he slammed inside and emptied with a growl. He pumped a few more times after he moved the nightstick and laid his head against Dean’s shoulder. “I love you. I always have and I always will.”

Nothing was real other than Cas. Dean’s entire body was shaking from the rain and the intensity of what they’d just done - but Cas’ words grounded him and spread warmth through his bones. “Yeah? That mean you’re c-coming home?”

“Yes, I had a lot to take care of. I’m sorry it took so long, but everything is settled and belongings are in storage.” Cas uncuffed him and started fixing Dean’s pants. “I’d love to come home... if you’ll have me.”

Dean turned quickly and pulled Cas into a kiss, pouring a lifetime’s worth of love and promise into it. “I told you, Castiel. There will never be anyone else for me.” He kissed him again, then hugged him as tightly as he could while the rain continued to fall. “Now come on. Let’s go home… seems like we’ve got a lot to talk about.” But for once, that prospect didn’t make him nervous. 

Ups or downs, bad times or good, it didn’t matter. There was nothing scarier to Dean than facing the world without Cas… and now, he didn’t have to. 

**Author's Note:**

> Have you wondered at all how Cas felt during all this? Check it out here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27877537/chapters/68258021


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